AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

As PP have said, moving in together will be the solidifying factor here. I would definitely do this as soon as possible.
Has he been around children before? Going part time to look aftet the baby might not end up happening, or you might want to also cut hours.
You need to live together to get the measure of if hes up to the job of semi house husband.
In short you need to be open minded that things might change and if youre ok with sort of figuring it out as you go and he is of a similar disposition then that bodes well for future harmony.
Dh lost his job shortly after our first was born, he was the higher earner then and all of a sudden I was the higher earner. If you have a whatever happens we will figure it out mentality, it really helps.
The friends I have that have left it too late were of a very fixed mindset of how they expected their relationship and finances and work situation to be before and after they had kids, and then time passed them by while they waited for it to all align.

@elsamayy

I do appreciate this sounds "trite" but when you find "the one" a relationship is not as measured and transactional as you've outlined.

You may well see it as caution or careful planning but from what you've intimated, you are definitely disadvantaged in this scenario.

A baby would certainly not be conducive for a person with consistent mental health struggles. Have you really thought this through Elsa? He would be at home as a full-time caregiver. No-one can possibly explain to you just how difficult having a new born is and the effects on a relationship.

I do think you are rushing somewhat, you seem giddy with your precise planning.

How deep is your love, really?

My mum got pregnant really easily, had her first at 36 and me, her second at 38. I started ttc at 29 and never got pregnant. There are no guarantees. I wish you all the best but are you able to envisage a life with him even if you didn’t have children? Or would you feel differently about the relationship?

"He would be at home as a full-time caregiver"

Where did you get this from? Neither of us is planning to stop working. He plans to go down to 4 days a week for a while, which in his line of work is quite doable (unlike mine).

I love the man, and I wouldn't consider all this otherwise. We fell in love a long time ago but for a while a relationship wasn't possible because we worked together. He is definitely the one for me, of that I am sure.

Having children was never a big priority for me and I would be very happy without children as well. I think we'd have a wonderful life either way.

I think that sounds fine, because you've already known each other four years. I might be inclined to move in together sooner, if you can. Or at least go on some holidays together and see how he is in a different environment. Definitely spend weekends 'living' at one or other's house.

I wouldn't speed up the baby timeline, because you do NOT want to get stuck co-parenting with someone who it turns out you can't stand, or you don't want your child to end up like. The father of your child is the most important decision you'll make in your life. Many women have later babies, 37/38 is not that old. My friend just had her first at 42, and is planning another asap. My nan had my uncle aged 38, in the 1950s. If it turns out you do have fertility problems that's something you'll have to deal with at the time, but rushing into having a baby with someone turns out to be a complete nightmare has the potential to ruin your life.

Good to hear! All the best.

I met my partner when I was 35 and he was 34. We moved in together after roughly 6 months and started trying for a baby 6 months later. It took us a while to get pregnant and we are due our first in January which will be just over 3 years together. None of it has felt rushed, if anything it has felt nothing but right.
only you will know what feels right for your relationship.

This is a really odd response. Better to be measured than careless. Lots of mothers have mental health struggles too... I was fuuucking mental for a few years, and I put off conceiving because the medication I was on wasn't compatible with pregnancy. I had lots of counselling and worked on getting better, and then I was able to come off the medication and have a baby. It sounds like this guy has also resolved his struggles. Having a baby is hard, I think I found it harder than many of my friends did because I'm prone to severe anxiety, but it's not insurmountable.

You make it sound like people with mental health problems shouldn't have children...

How did the depressive episode present itself?

Drinking?
Drugs?
Violence?
Paranoia, coercive control of an ex?
Compulsory admission to hospital?

Your timeline is similar to mine. We moved in after 7 months into a rented house (less committing then buying) and started trying straightaway. It took us 8 months to get pregnant and baby arrived close to our two year anniversary of meeting.

i was nearly 37 when we met. I knew what we had was good. We were happy neither wanted to wait.

there will be people who say there is no risks and everyone has babies after 40 and it all worked out ok. I don’t want to scare you but firstly it took us 8 long months of trying. We wanted to have a second child and then had two miscarriages before having my last at age 41.

so no I don’t think it’s rushed

I think this is a big positive, much more so than if you were pinning everything on having a baby. I hope everything works out for you beautifully, whatever the future holds.

I think your friends' misgivings are understandable from the perspective of an outsider, but that obviously doesn't mean they're necessarily correct!

apologies, I did, indeed, misread

"The plan is for him to go part-time 4 days a week"

May I ask why you're waiting another ~six months before moving in together
if "He is definitely the one for me, of that I am sure"

Logistics?

At your age you need to be rushing frankly if you want to have a chance of success. Crack on. But think carefully, if your relationship didn't pan out, would you regret having had a baby with this guy or would you be glad you had one while you still could even if you end up single?

Agree with your last sentence especially, and I find that view very problematic too.

@LavenderBlue19

"You make it sound like people with mental health problems shouldn't have children..."

I definitely do not think that, at all

Not rushed, but rather presumptive. I'd move forward with intent, but take each step as it comes. I don't think it matters you've known each other for 4 years. The thick of a relationship and all that brings with it is what matters most.

Yes, logistics. Potential job changes for us both on the horizon that could impact locations. We should have good clarity about our job situations early next year, hence thinking of a Spring move.

Why not just move in together now? What is the reasoning of holding off til next spring?

edit - cross posted with your respons

I think only you two can know how comfortable you feel with the timeline.

I had DS1, just turned 23, having been in the relationship for 2 years. We lived together and had done for over a year. We split up when DS1 was 3 months old.

5 years later, had DS2. Again after a 2 year relationship (we got married 8 months before DS was born) and 17 years later we’re still together.

Because you ‘know’ someone entirely differently when you’re in a sexual/romantic relationship with them.

You know someone entirely differently when you’re actively planning to build a life together, cohabit and/or marry, commit to never having sex with someone other than them, subsume your finances as a household and make a whole new human being together.

None of that is friendship territory, even close friendship territory.

You simply do not know this person at all yet as a romantic/sexual partner or as a potential father to your future child, and you’re risking making a rush decision because you think that having known him as a fruend previously lets you skip some stages.

I also once started a romantic relationship with a longtime friend. At six months it was lovely. I ended it just before we hit a year, as incompatibilities emerged as we started moving towards the mechanics of merging our lives. He was a great friend. He would have been a lousy longtime partner. I’ve seen this more than once in other friends, too.

If you are determined to go ahead with this, don’t let the previous years of friendship be an excuse for rushing things.

+2

Haven’t rtft but my partner and I moved in after 5 months together, and we are still together 20 years and 4 kids later. If you know it’s right, you know. And you haven’t got time on your side, so I say go for it sooner than 18 months!

Okay, here's a question for you:

Would you rather
a) have a baby together knowing you may well become a single parent, but also it's now or never.
b) risk not having children.

If the answer's a, then just get on with it, the sooner the better. Don't bother waiting the 18 months, your age is against you, especially if you want a second.

If the answers b, then take your time, and lengthen it if you need to. It may mean you miss the boat and don't have children though.