AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

I was 30 when I got together with dh, I knew previously of him too, friends is various circles. Got engaged after a year, married the following year and then dd born the year after.
You’re slightly older than I was, so it’s wise to crack on.

Don’t listen to all the noise from your friends, and do what feels right for you.

I’m 36 and had my first baby in august, a couple of days after Mine and my boyfriends three year anniversary. We’d been together just under two and a half years before I got pregnant. A part of me feels sad that we only had three years together before having a baby. We’d done a few European city breaks but never had a beach/sunny holiday together or a more long haul “Holiday off a lifetime” type holiday. All this said though, I’m glad we had our baby when we did, and we can still do all those things together in the future!

Going somewhat against the grain and seeing as you would like to have a Dc and your partner has ADHD - have you considered what it would be like to raise kids with it? Have you had conversations about that? How does your partner feel about raising kids with ADHD? And I say that as some who is Nd and has Nd children.

For similar reasons I'd also be wary of being confident re planning how much time would be lost to paid employment. Not just ND, childhood illness etc are unpredictable and can have a huge impact on earnings. The main reason I'd always advise marriage pre kids. Given your ages I'd move in together asap to properly road test the relationship then get on with marriage and TTC if all good.

100% this!!

For me what stands out is the confidence that your partner has a mental health plan. This is really great and I hope you both have a network of support and a village to help if a baby comes along.

A baby changes everything so if you know you are in it together now, why not move in sooner and see how you go at that? I definitely got to know my DH in a different way when we first lived together. If he had been messy or had terrible habits I’m not sure we would have lasted lol.

Good luck!

Seeing as you’ve known eachother for a long time and with time not being on your side with your ages - I would say 18m isn’t rushed at all.
I would advise to get married though if you’re going to have kids, this could happen when you’re pregnant and be low key though

I met my husband at 27, we got together at 28 and married around a year later when I was 29. Had my DCs 30, 32 and 34.

We've been married for 15 years and counting.

My husband is 13 years old so we didn't feel we had time to wait although I would have loved to have had some more time married without kids. But in our circumstances I have no regrets.

We belong to the same faith community and a lot of mutual friends knew us both for longer which possibly made a bit of a difference too.

I never had a single wobble about it all at the time and never have since.

You have known each other for 4 years, so I don't think it's rushed. Also both your ages are a factor to move things along. It could take a year to get pregnant, there might be complications. I would start sooner than later. A quick wedding might also be good. You don't even have to tell many people and have a big wedding, good to do if you are less financially secure than he is. If you are more secure then I wouldnt even bother with a wedding.
We were together 18 months before we started trying, it wasn't actively trying with a calendar etc, but I came off the pill with a view that it mighy happen. It took a year for me to get pregnant.
We didnt know each other before we started dating, but it felt right and DH was 40. I was 32. Here we are 20 years later.
I have some friends that left it too late, wanted everything to be perfectly in order before they had a child and by then it was too late and they regret it.
I didn't want to get to that point so I just took a chance that things would work out.

I also had in the back of my mind, if the relationship didn't work out, would this man still be a good dad to the child and would I be OK on my own If I had to be I was fine with both of these, so to me it wasn't a risk either way.

So if you're already 37 (not sure when you'll be 38) that means if you try end of next year,/ then say it takes 6 months ish to conceive you'll basically be 40 having your first (not factoring in possible ttc problems , miscarriage etc). Which is completely do-able and not at all out the normal but it's quite scary when you count backwards how quickly time catches up. If you wanted a second even if you had one soon after your first you'd probably be looking at 42 earliest but probably 43. So in short at your age it's probably important to just do it rather than wait until the socially acceptable time frame has elapsed. Hope that helps :-)

Re: getting married, while we are both in good financial positions, I am the higher earner by a fair bit, and I also have more savings/ investments, so I am not sure the usual recommendations regarding marriage for protection still apply to our case. The plan is for him to go part-time for a while as his role is more flexible than me (individual contributor vs management)

Why wait to move in together? That will require some adjustment anyway and will tell you a great deal about whether you want to make a future with him.

Have a couples' fertility MOT

Is he planning to go part time to care for the hypothetical child? If so he would be well advised to get married first

Agree with pp the moving in part is when you'll really know if this is a goer in terms of long term/having kids together - I dont think you can really truly know someone enough without living with them 24/7 as people can hide/mask/be anything until then (not even maliciously just naturally!).

+1

To me it’s frankly lunatic that you’re making plans to have a baby with someone you barely know.

We have been knowing each other for 4 years..? We were close friends before getting together. How is that "barely knowing"?

Ask yourself if you’d be ok with being a lone parent if this relationship doesn’t work long term? Time is not on your side if having a baby is something you definitely want, so it might be your best bet to get on with it. I know this sounds cynical but if you wait another 2-3 years you may start to really struggle to get pregnant, and if it’s something you want, and you’re ok with going it alone if it comes to it, then do it.

Move in together sooner. That's how you really get the measure of someone. Maybe rent out one of your places rather than sell it at first, so if the relationship doesn't work you have somewhere to move back to - but I think this is the crucial bit. Move in soon, live with him for 6 months and if it's all good then just get on with having a baby. Your fertility isn't guaranteed.

I would also keep an open mind as to what happens once the baby is here. Yes, your partner might want to go part time or not. I actually don't know of many men who go part time while the mum is full time. Not saying it doesnt happen, but it can be unusual. Also, with sleepless night, ADHD and little kids, dont underestimate how difficult it could be.

I think maybe your friends aren't so much thinking '18 months in is too early to start trying for a baby' but more 'She's only been with this man for six months and it's all become very intense very quickly'.

They're probably just concerned that you're making huge plans with someone you've only been dating for a few months. For all they know, he might be love-bombing you or you might both just be massively carried away in the honeymoon phase, talking about babies when you haven't actually lived together yet.

I realise you've known him for four years as a friend, which is good. But equally, if you were a mate of mine, I might also be thinking 'She's known him for four years but it's only know that she's in her late 30s and desperate for a baby that she's started seeing him as boyfriend material'. I think they're maybe thinking that you could be kidding yourself about whether this relationship has legs simply because you're 37 and want to have children before it's too late.

I'm not saying that's true of you - obviously I don't know you, so I've no idea! Hopefully you're blissfully in love and always secretly wanted to be with your boyfriend but your love was unrequited for four years for some reason. But I see a hell of a lot of threads on Mumsnet from women who very, very obviously settled for a man who wasn't right for them in their late 30s because they wanted a baby and are now stuck with a man they don't really want to be with and miserable because they haven't been able to mould him into their dream man. So maybe that's why your friends are just trying to suggest you proceed with a bit of caution.

Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out exactly as you'd hoped and that you and your boyfriend will be really happy together and have the family you both want - I'm sure that's probably the case and I'm delighted for you if so! But I think your friends are probably just a little wary, and I can understand why because they're looking in on your relationship from the outside and things can look different to other people from the way they look to you and your boyfriend.

I don't think there's anyting wrong with your timeline. I'm a slightly older mum, and have met friends who had babies in similar circumstances to you - in some cases, much less time in a relationship before the baby came but every single one I can think of all seem to be very happy several years down the line.

Nobody knows what's going to happen in their own life, never mind someone elses, so make decisions that feel good to you.

What I would caution you to do is forget about how easily your relatives feel pregnant because that's the bit I'd be worried about more than how long you've been together. I have a big family of women, and our bodies are all so very different. Nothing is a given.

We started trying for a baby ~ two years after we became a couple (had been friends about six months longer than that). I was only 26, we now have a ten year old and are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary! If it feels right then trust your gut.

It’s fine! Many couples have a baby within a few years. It’s not unusual in the slightest.

It seems quick, but good friends of ours were together for 15 years, married and had a baby 12 months ago… they’ve just announced their divorce. A long past isn’t always a good predictor of a happy future.

My first thought was 18 months! Too late!
My best friend went through the menopause at 45 and another friend was your age (she was devastated because she’d been trying for a baby).
We all know first time Mums at 45 but there’s no guarantee, and in, at least 2 of the cases I know, they’d been trying for years.
Do not take fertility for granted.