AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

That sounds very positive, and he's obviously controlling the issue.

Going against the grain, but I rather think you've left it too late, OP. I don't think I'd be waiting any longer.

Yes, at length. He is working with his therapist to ensure that he has good systems and a solid support network in place for when the stress of a baby comes. He is taking this very seriously, which I find reassuring.

He also follows his medication treatment very carefully, which provides a good foundation for his lifestyle efforts.

Well I come from a family of women who were very fertile well into their 40s, so I do hope I took after them. If it is too late, then I guess that's it, and we will change our life plans.

Honestly at your ages I would just go for it - if you can go the distance together then you will , doing a year settling in period won’t make any difference to how your relationship will change once baby comes, you will make it or you won’t.

My concern would be the only 6 months spent living together. That’s not that long so it’s easy to still be on best behaviour. Knowing him for 4 years is crucial, but still doesn’t tell you how he is to live with if you’re only sleeping over at this stage. I’d try to get longer actually spending time living in the same space and making sure that I don’t sweep any red flags under the carpet during that time.

Omg at your age no way would i be waiting 18 months to start trying for a baby. You must be mad.

As long as you don't ignore signs that things might not be right in order to crack on and have a baby, and you hold this relationship to the standards you normally would, I don't see a problem.

Don't ADHD meds affect sperm?

I'd probably go faster with regards the moving in together. Because I think it's important to ideally have have a good period of time living together before deciding to try for a baby. That bit I wouldn't rush, there's no going back once a baby is on the way and a young child often puts significant pressure on even strong, established relationships. Make sure you are compatible with the mundane aspects of life - housework, bills, food shopping. Have you seen how they cope when life is difficult? - when under pressure/stress, redundancy, family illness, workload etc. Have you spoken about how finances would work if you're on mat leave etc? Some big conversations to be had. FWIW I'm not of the 'you need marriage for protection' mindset - but that's because I did other things for my 'protection' - career, both of us going down to 4 days rather than one of us going part time and the other full time etc.

Overall, enjoy your time as a couple first. You'll never get that back in the same way again.

If possible, I would do the moving in asap. If you see a future together there is not much point waiting until the spring. That way you’ll have a year together before trying for a baby. It will give you a much better indication of whether you are compatible as parents.
Also, I would make a conscious effort to discuss parenting in specific ways. IE how much maternity leave you will take, who will do night wake ups, will you have more children etc. There may not be time for these to crop up in conversation naturally.

If you are both on board, I’d look to move in sooner and just get cracking. I didn’t have the same timeline as you as I had been living with my husband for around 5 years and married for 2, but we got to my 38th birthday with him still dithering and I felt the panic set in. I just ran out of patience and told my husband it had to be now or never. I got pregnant immediately and we aren’t having a second so it’s all worked out, but I know a lot of people right now who are really struggling to have a baby. If you have fertility problems you are probably going to have them at any point regardless of your age, but if you are 30 you have more time to do something about it than if you are 40.

@elsamayy In terms of age to have the baby, you may well be fine. I wanted to share my story though as it isn’t always straightforward. Like you women in my family have had babies late. Mum, aunts, multiple cousins all having babies in late 30s and early 40s seemingly without issue. I therefore always thought my fertility would probably be ok at that age - and it was, but we found out that my husband’s wasn’t.

We actually started trying when I was 30 and I’ve just had my first baby at nearly 40 after many, many rounds of IVF. The cushion of years in terms of my fertility that we have had between starting trying, finding there was an issue, waiting a year to get onto IVF list, and having enough time to have multiple attempts (plus Covid delaying things) are, I believe, what has allowed us to have a baby. So, what I would say is that if you’re sure you are happy in your relationship, and definitely want a baby, then I would caution against waiting any longer than your planned timeline in case there are unforeseen issues. It’s difficult, obviously, when you’re trying to make such big decisions on a relatively short timeline.

Do you have the resources to get some basic fertility checks now, e.g. partner’s sperm count, your ovarian reserve? This may give a better idea of whether you have time to play with.

As many others have said, I would consider moving in together sooner - it’s a proper test of a relationship and will give a much more realistic impression of building and sharing a life together.

I would also strongly suggest that you have wide-ranging conversations about what raising a family together will really look like - don’t just focus on pay rates and who will take time off work in the short term. Plenty of couples come unstuck when the reality of sleepless nights, financial inequity, childcare choices, household chores, parenting styles etc, all hit home. If you enjoy living together and share values and expectations about parenting together, crack on in trying for a family asap. If you plan to have more than one child you really don’t have any time to lose.

I’d move in together asap. I moved my partner in at 37 after 3-4 months. There was minimal risk, he moved into my flat (he was a lodger elsewhere) made no payment towards mortgage (as I had paid it off) and I could have asked him to leave if it didn’t work out. He’s still here 15 years later.

so as marriage and babies are riskier things I’d get the minimal risk thing done asap.

(and yes if I wanted a baby anyway I’d probably see not many downsides of it potentially not working out later on with the dad as that can happen after a year or 10 years)

OP I mean this in the kindest possible way ( as someone who had primary and now secondary infertility)- a year or two make a huge difference in that age (I am your age now), I am so grateful that I had my one and only at age 31. First I had to have treatment for a hormonal problem, then my DH was diagnosed with low sperm count. If a family is your priority and you are safe and secure in this relationship I would start ASAP and do the wedding and everything else after. You might of course have absolutely no problems at all conceiving and I am not trying to scare you. But things can always go wrong in a relationship no matter how long you've been together and if a family is your priority I would not hang around.

At your age (sorry!), your choices seem to be:

• do this with a man you know well in a sensible timeline to minimise pregnancy risks
• choose to go it alone with artificial insemination rather than risk a "bad" partner

I'd be wanting to have a frank talk with my partner in your circumstances about "how do we ensure we're the best co parents we can be in the event of marriage breakdown". I insisted we talked about this with my husband, even though we'd been together 15y when we had a baby.

Move in ASAP. I think time spent actually living together will be much more valuable in terms of seeing the REAL person, compared to extending the dating phase.

Agree!

I agree with people saying it’s realistic given you’ll be close to 40, I don’t think it’s rushed at all. Personally I waited 4+ years with both partners (and still ended up a single mother the first time round!) however I’m in my 20s so it was different. I think 18 months is fine especially since you’ve known him a few years already too.

If you're sure I'd bring the ttc forward by 6 months to coincide with the moving in.

Why wait?

When you say your mum & sister both had babies at 40-was that first babies?

Yes first babies! Literally both pregnant at first attempt, but again I know that does not guarantee anything in regards to my own fertility. My mum also then had me at 43, again easy conception and pregnancy.

Im more concerned that you dont want to get married or you're apathetic to that. Please look into the reasons why it is better for a family and specifically the woman why you should get married or legal partnership and its not to show the world love, not to have a party, but reasons that you’ll only find out about if you're in that situation and then its too late. Like next of kin and inheritance. Especially if he has health issues.
Infertility is rarely genetic BTW. Thats why it hurts so much because you try for years and seemingly your entire family gets pregnant on the first try. 18 months is rushed, but you dont have a huge amount of time if it goes wrong.

That's all well and good, but how do you know about the quality of your DP's sperm.

It's mad that we only talk about women's age, when the quality of male sperm also reduces drastically with age. Not necessarily affecting becoming pregnant, but a higher chance of having genetic issues that can cause miscarriage or birth defects.

I would move in sooner, because that's a crucial relationship test and you may find you have issues you need to work through. Don't waste another 6 months. This doesn't shorten or lengthen the timeframe for trying for a baby necessarily, but gives you more than 6-9 months to work through any problems living together.

That's the bit I think is too short - it's not the 18 months from meeting that is an issue, but only living together for 6 months before trying that I think is risky.