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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend grabbed my child

279 replies

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:16

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 27/10/2025 00:19

I’d let this go. She said she realizes she shouldn’t have done it and apologized to your DC. People make errors in judgment and don’t always think things through. I’m assuming your DC wasn’t hurt, just startled? It’s up to you, but if it’s generally been a good friendship and you felt the apology and explanation were authentic, I’d let this go and move on.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 27/10/2025 00:21

Well she's apologised so why wouldn't you now let it go?

Dazzlemered · 27/10/2025 00:23

Wow you were very calm. I’m glad you took your DC away to comfort them but I think I would have left. It’s important to teach our DC that it’s not ok for anyone especially an adult to put hands on them.

Yes she’s apologised and so she bloody should.

IMTHECRAZYOLDLADY · 27/10/2025 00:23

I think id rethink my friendship with "Louise"

Lavender14 · 27/10/2025 00:25

I agree with pps. She apologised to you and your dc, recognised that she actually just overstepped and took accountability.

I think you let this go and watch how she behaves moving forwards. I do think when you spend a lot of time with kids who's parents you're very close to it can be easy to unintentionally overstep and treat them like your own. But obviously this can cause issues when your response would be different to theirs.

I'd have been annoyed as well but it sounds like you handled it as well as you could have. If it happened again then I'd see less of her.

MustbeLoveontheBrain · 27/10/2025 00:27

Unless she has a habit of doing things like this I would let it go. She apologised straight away.
I think she was wrong about the sharing, her child should have been made to wait (for a while at least) until your child had finished with toy, which would have been a good lesson for them. Your DC should have been given a 5 minute warning that they needed to share the toy not made to give it up straight away.
Life doesn't work like that, you don't force someone into giving you something because you are crying/want something. It was bad parenting on her part.
Give it a few days and see how you feel and if you want to stay friends with her

Original poster
friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

OP posts:
Original poster
friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:33

@Dazzlemered
I have felt bad all evening for being ‘too’ calm. Because I was really annoyed and I perhaps should have told the friend infront of DC so she could see I was protecting her.
I did speak to DC when we got home. I asked her what was her favourite parts of the day and the worst parts. The worst part she said “when Louise broke my arm and hurt me. But she did say sorry for breaking my arm”

OP posts:
MustbeLoveontheBrain · 27/10/2025 00:39

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

That sort of parenting would drive me mad. I'm guessing her DC will become more and more spoilt and unpleasant to be around as they get older. I wouldn't like her acting like her child is more important than mine. I suppose you can either ignore and put up, talk to her about it or end the friendship.

IMTHECRAZYOLDLADY · 27/10/2025 00:40

Honestly, for the sake of your child, stop being friends with this woman.

cmasbnnny · 27/10/2025 00:40

Aww bless your child who seems to be aware what happened wasn't right judging by her comments.

If it was me I wouldn't be too happy and I probably wouldn't see her again.

I don't like her comment either "If she upsets my kids I'm going to have to do something" like wtf the child is 3 not 13 chill the f out.
She sounds quite aggressive.

Dazzlemered · 27/10/2025 00:42

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:33

@Dazzlemered
I have felt bad all evening for being ‘too’ calm. Because I was really annoyed and I perhaps should have told the friend infront of DC so she could see I was protecting her.
I did speak to DC when we got home. I asked her what was her favourite parts of the day and the worst parts. The worst part she said “when Louise broke my arm and hurt me. But she did say sorry for breaking my arm”

Oh bless her. Hopefully she forget about it now.
Don’t feel bad, you protected your DC which is the most important thing.

Allswellthatendswelll · 27/10/2025 00:44

She's wrong about sharing. Sharing isn't giving a toy away immediately just because her child wants it.

If you still want to be friends that's fine you just need to hold more boundaries.

Trallers · 27/10/2025 00:46

Staying calm is ok. As for what to do next, you dont have to decide in a hurry, it's ok to mull over what you want to do. I'd be more in the camp of putting off meeting her for a while, then stopping replying, but I'm a coward! I would certainly tell my DD that we won't be seeing Louse for a while/again because it's not on that she hurt her.

Tiswa · 27/10/2025 00:50

I agree there is taking turns on communal equipment - so anything in a park/soft play is sharing/taking turns BUT there is an expectation about how long that turn is - a slide etc is one turn then wait a swing or a toy is a 2-3 minutes at least playing before passing over

Biscuits etc is one each no matter what happens

Louise needs to parent her child. I think would clearly tell her

  1. she NEVER touches or grabs your child again.
  2. yiur child will eat all their own snack and not share
  3. you accept taking turns but it has to be even and fair

and if those aren’t followed again drop her

TheSilentSister · 27/10/2025 01:00

I was on the fence until your DC said she didn't like it when Louise 'broke' her arm. Your DC is aware that another adult hurt her, poor child. Plus the food sharing stuff, just not on. I'd give her a wide berth and let her 'reflect' on her behaviour before seeing her again or not.

FairKoala · 27/10/2025 01:00

I would be distancing myself from someone like this.

Problem I have found with people apologizing is that if you accept their apology and keep them in your life it gives them the go ahead to do worse because they think that have got away with bad behaviour once and you didn’t do anything so that means you won’t do anything if they do anything bad again and again

It might sound harsh but where friendships are concerned there are no 2nd chances. I would never be able to look at a woman who did this to my child and I would feel that I would be betraying my child by seeing them again

Protect yourself and your dc and stay away

AutumnCosy2025 · 27/10/2025 01:03

Lavender14 · 27/10/2025 00:25

I agree with pps. She apologised to you and your dc, recognised that she actually just overstepped and took accountability.

I think you let this go and watch how she behaves moving forwards. I do think when you spend a lot of time with kids who's parents you're very close to it can be easy to unintentionally overstep and treat them like your own. But obviously this can cause issues when your response would be different to theirs.

I'd have been annoyed as well but it sounds like you handled it as well as you could have. If it happened again then I'd see less of her.

Exactly this.

Whose toy was it?

Silvers11 · 27/10/2025 01:03

Out of curiosity, whose toy was it?

PlumRed · 27/10/2025 01:11

That is not okay at all. I would have left and certainly would not have stayed calm. It's your child's toy and she should be allowed to decide whether she wants to share it or not.

My child is coming up to 3 and doesn't like sharing. That is absolutely fine with me and I will tell her that's okay as it's her toy/book and she doesnt have to share if she doesnt want to.

TheSlantedOwl · 27/10/2025 01:15

She must have really hurt your child for her to use that phrase ‘break my arm’.

She was wrong. She gets to parent her own child and teach about sharing. She doesn’t get to manhandle anyone.

Eenameenadeeka · 27/10/2025 01:28

Who did the toy belong to?? Did your child take it from hers initially?
Maybe since you've been friends a long time, you can continue your friendship separate from the children. I wouldn't be okay with a friend hurting my child, but taking the toy off the child depends if your child had taken the toy (you didn't say that so I'm guessing not) or if it was her child's.

Threesacrow · 27/10/2025 01:31

You've dealt with this well, talked about it with DC and let her know that your friend was wrong. Your friend knows she acted badly and apologised to your daughter. I would want to wait until I felt calm and then talk it through with your friend, all of it, including how her DC knows she can get her own way by making a fuss. She needs to know this and, if you are going to pick up on your longterm friendship, you should tell her and let her know if she oversteps in the future. She does deserve a second chance, and a friend to honestly help her sort out her behaviour to her own and other children.

Katflapkit · 27/10/2025 01:32

Were you friends before kids? If so, could you possibly arrange a couple of meet ups without kids, at least until the air was cleared. Or leave your child at home? Saying, they had the sniffles, didn't want to come etc.

Otherwise you are going to have to police the playdates better. If biscuits are shared then say 'one each'. If her child starts asking for your child's biscuit tell her 'No, you have eaten your biscuit'. Absolutely do not let your friend take food/items from your child'

ilovepixie · 27/10/2025 01:32

Why do children have to share toys? Do adults share their stuff like phones and so on! No they don’t!