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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
samqueens · 26/10/2025 19:26

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.

Nothing to do with being a stepparent (clearly you’d be a great one). Everything to do with the fact that your partner is completely disrespectful to you.

Have you ever asked his ex why they split up? Might be instructive… If DSS is only 4 it sounds as though she booted him out pretty quickly. It’s amazing what you learn about a man once you have a child with them. Try and learn from her (and your current) experience, so you don’t have to go through parenthood first hand with this man.

ShoveItUpYourArseMargaret · 26/10/2025 19:27

Be very careful. Why did he split up from DSS's mum?

Frillysweetpea · 26/10/2025 19:29

None of this is your responsibility. If he can't see this he is not husband material...end of.

Pleasealexa · 26/10/2025 19:31

samqueens · 26/10/2025 19:26

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.

Nothing to do with being a stepparent (clearly you’d be a great one). Everything to do with the fact that your partner is completely disrespectful to you.

Have you ever asked his ex why they split up? Might be instructive… If DSS is only 4 it sounds as though she booted him out pretty quickly. It’s amazing what you learn about a man once you have a child with them. Try and learn from her (and your current) experience, so you don’t have to go through parenthood first hand with this man.

Op, please read this and try to take it on board. Woken don't walk away from men easily, especially when there are children.

How long have you been together? Typically the cracks show after 2 years OR when there is a commitment.

BluntPlumHam · 26/10/2025 19:32

Yeah OP he’s not interested in you but just shacking up with another woman to carry his responsibilities that he’s unable to discharge. If you’re wondering why his first marriage/relationship didn’t work out then you know why. His only time with his child and this is how he chooses to spend it is a massive red flag.

This is a glimpse into the future. You’re free childcare, cleaner and cook. It will only be infinitely worse if you have kids with this guy.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 26/10/2025 19:32

Do not marry this man…..as a PP said , call it off for a year or more and give him chance to appreciate you or give you the freedom to be with someone who appreciates you….he is a tosser and totally gaslighting / guilting you into parenting his son…he just wants free childcare and if his business takes off it will get more and more……you sound like a lovely stepmum but you partner is royally taking the piss out of your kindness….ive been a stepmum for over 18 years and never ever once has my DH behaved like this…..he would honestly, hand on my heart, have had the absolute bollocking of his life….take care and think VERY carefully about your life moving forward xx

WearyCat · 26/10/2025 19:33

When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Willing to bet that it’s when you remind your “partner” that the child is actually his, and that sometimes parents do need to parent their kids themselves, rather than outsource it 100% of the time.

I don’t like the sound of this man, @tokoyo . Sorry. It really sounds as if he wants a wife to do the domestic and parenting work, so he can do what he wants. His son may be lovely, son’s mum too if you two get on- why isn’t he with his son’s mother, why did that relationship fail? I would be really wary of proceeding with this now.

Dustyblindsblue · 26/10/2025 19:34

Men often assume that women are always keen to do childcare. They don’t see it as work or a thing of value. Don’t marry this man.

notatinydancer · 26/10/2025 19:34

No no no. You’re his unpaid childcare.
Are you planning on having children ? Because if so , you’re very lucky you have seen what he will be like. You’ll end up looking after 2 kids.

Terrytheweasel · 26/10/2025 19:36

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

In front of your step son?

Terrytheweasel · 26/10/2025 19:37

WearyCat · 26/10/2025 19:33

When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Willing to bet that it’s when you remind your “partner” that the child is actually his, and that sometimes parents do need to parent their kids themselves, rather than outsource it 100% of the time.

I don’t like the sound of this man, @tokoyo . Sorry. It really sounds as if he wants a wife to do the domestic and parenting work, so he can do what he wants. His son may be lovely, son’s mum too if you two get on- why isn’t he with his son’s mother, why did that relationship fail? I would be really wary of proceeding with this now.

I agree - why are they not together? A decent man does not walk away from his family easily.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 26/10/2025 19:38

Poodleville · 26/10/2025 15:55

I agree with the red flag comments.
Also, shower when he got back, that plus his foulness towards you made me think of an affair! Maybe a bit of a reach. In any caae, his behaviour towards you is bad enough on its own.

Crossed my mind too x

Tiswa · 26/10/2025 19:38

No only with an awful partner and parent

Helloyellowbluemoon · 26/10/2025 19:39

I can see why his ex left him easily based on what you have put. I wouldn’t personally call him a great dad. You are now his free nanny that happens to keep his d**k happy. Red flags 🚩. Been there done that won’t do it again.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/10/2025 19:45

Moveoverdarlin · 26/10/2025 15:04

Mmmm go careful he isn’t marrying you for your childcare services. This would piss me off. He’s got his son for the weekend and has palmed him off on you and not even said thanks.

Yes, this.

I would think very carefully about the marriage if I were you.

And don't have a baby with him, because when you split up, his next girlfriend will be looking after them.

Happyjoe · 26/10/2025 19:48

He's not shown you any respect on this occasion. I hope he normally does a lot better as at is stands he doesn't sound like good partner material.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2025 19:49

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Don't marry him. He's lined you up as the unpaid nanny.

NormaSears · 26/10/2025 19:50

@Anusername , did you even read the OP's posts?

Butterflyarms · 26/10/2025 19:52

It would be very interesting to hear from the ex wife why they are no longer together. Because he sounds like a nasty layabout.

Pinkypleasepurple · 26/10/2025 19:55

This guy - your finance - is a tosser.
red flags.
🚩
Run.

if he is treating you like this already then it’s a terrible insight to your future..
Im a step parent . No disrespect but you’re confusing the step parent part . You’re saying a man child who is now worthy . He sounds horrid .

RogerR4bbit · 26/10/2025 19:56

You’ve listed everything you do for your DSS, and bearing in mind he doesn’t even live with you full time, it makes me wonder what on earth his Dad does for the kid? Very little I presume 🤷‍♀️

I’d seriously worried about marrying a man who used me in this way.

Saharafordessert · 26/10/2025 19:59

Please be careful moving forward OP.
I really feel for you, you sound like a great step mum and it seems your DP is walking all over you and massively taking you for granted. It actually makes me sad, you don’t deserve this!

Tonkerbea · 26/10/2025 20:00

Yeah, don't marry him. There's better men out there.

At the very least don't have children with him, or you'll be tied to the ungrateful man child forever.

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/10/2025 20:04

Why doesn’t his dad wash his school uniform? The problem isn’t that you don’t treat him like your own, it’s that you don’t expect to be default parent. I bet your dp would grump if you had random plans all next weekend, because that’s his prerogative.

Sunflower10S · 26/10/2025 20:09

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

As someone who got into a relationship with a man with a daughter, this is how it started for me. Then slowly over time it became every weekend all weekend apart from 2-3 hours after he had finished with his friends. So so many times when we went away it was ALL on me including making sure she was safe because he would fall asleep all the time...

It doesn't get better unless you put your foot down now.