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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 26/10/2025 20:15

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

You seem very good-natured, OP, and your heart is most definitely in the right place.
His, however is most definitely not.
He is demonstrating what he thinks of you, and what he expects your role to be (and what he thinks of women, too)

Please don't marry him. He will not change. Things will get worse. You will regret it.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Hedgehogbrown · 26/10/2025 20:15

evertriedeverfailed · 26/10/2025 17:50

OP, I think the concern is that your partner has set himself up as the person who decides whether what you are doing is enough. But why does he get to decide?

Yes, why are you putting up with this?

ThisTaupeZebra · 26/10/2025 20:15

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

The thing is, I am married to my son's father, as per the traditional arrangement. And if he had to bugger off until 2pm on a Sunday last minute, he absolutely would say thank you, or make it up to me/offer to take something off my plate in return at some point in the immediate future.

So that is what 'treating them like your own' looks like.

And your partner's claim he can't quite put his finger on what it is you aren't doing is just time-stalling bullshit.

This wouldn't be acceptable if your step-son were a shared biological son, and he knows it and is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Lavender14 · 26/10/2025 20:17

Arlanymor · 26/10/2025 15:06

He said he felt unwell, sounds like he is letting it affect his behaviour. Is he usually fine? I assume so or you wouldn't be with him...

Edited

"sounds like he is letting it affect his behaviour"

This is key. It's one thing to come home feeling unwell and starving etc or to be stressed etc. It's not OK to come home and take that out on everyone around you. I don't think that's unique to your situation as a stepparent, I think it's your situation with a man who takes you for granted and isn't accountable for himself.

Red flag.

Hedgehogbrown · 26/10/2025 20:18

Also if you have kids with him then break up (because he does fuck all to help you) will you be comfortable with sending your kids to him when he will probably leave all the care to his new girlfriend and not bother with them? You have seen what he is like.

TakenewNn · 26/10/2025 20:18

yes, this is the life he is offering. Do yiu really want it?

Lavender14 · 26/10/2025 20:19

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

And this just sounds abusive. It sounds like he's gaslighting you op.

Pumpkinatmidnight · 26/10/2025 20:20

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

Run while you still can.

Mrsnothingthanks · 26/10/2025 20:21

How often does he have his son, OP?

AngryBookworm · 26/10/2025 20:23

A grown man who can't be civil to his partner (presumably in front of his son?) and won't even interact with his child because he's 'hungry' - that's a huge red flag. Come on mate, you've been out of the house for a few hours, not doing a 12-hour shift in A&E. Have a sandwich and buck up! In all seriousness - he has an attitude problem as a partner and probably as a parent too. I feel for his ex to be honest. Can you LTB but stay friends with the ex?

Ocelotfeet27 · 26/10/2025 20:28

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is OK, and if he's already behaving like this he will only get worse once you're trapped in a marriage. If it were me I would sit him down and say - marriage means we are supposed to work as a team, a partnership, respecting one another. It is not respectful to just tell me you expect me to look after your son rather than asking me. It is not respectful to shout rudely at me that you're 'sorry' I had to look after DSS. It is not respectful to not say thank you. It is also not respectful to your son to leave him with me all day and then be rude and grumpy when you get back. Both DSS and I deserve better and I am telling you now that I expect to see an immediate change in your behaviour. If I do not feel treated with respect, I will be forced to cancel the wedding.' And mean it.

Have the conversation tomorrow after he's slept and can't say he's tired and hungry. If he says - you're right, I'm very sorry, I was a dick' and promises to change, I'd give him another chance. If he argues and tries to defend himself - the wedding would be cancelled.

OneAmberFinch · 26/10/2025 20:32

aniseedisgross · 26/10/2025 17:52

@OneAmberFinchwell not every couple with kids can stay together; I’d have died if I stayed with ExH. It would be rubbish if I wasn’t able to find a nice dh that I now have due to an ExH turning abusive once we had Dc.

I'm glad you escaped your situation and were able to find happiness. I'm not opposed in general.

However I think this shouldn't stop us pointing out to single women without children "hey, that guy you just started dating who has a 1yo child? you should treat that as a massive red flag and not just see it as a standard part of modern dating"

(Not sure exactly how old OP's DSS was but she says they're in a LTR and he's only 4)

Because what does it say about this man?

Either he abandoned the mother of his child during a very vulnerable period of her life

Or she left him, despite being in such a period, because staying with him seemed like a worse option

(Okay there's a small chance his vicious ex really did just spitefully leave him and he's brokenhearted - in which case, give him a few years to heal...)

Rattai · 26/10/2025 20:34

Please don't marry this man. Run away
Find someone who loves you not just wants a free babysitter

Orphlids · 26/10/2025 20:34

I’ve been in my DSS’s life since he was 18 months old and he’s now an adult. I have never provided childcare for him. He was not my child, not my responsibility, and I had no interest in taking on the role of caregiver. He has two perfectly able parents. By maintaining my stance, I was able to determine that my DP was not perusing a relationship with me because he saw an opportunity for free childcare.

If I’d given up my time to look after someone else’s child, I’d expect some acknowledgment and gratitude. He sounds like a shit dad. Try refusing to provide the parenting he can’t be bothered with, and see if he still wants to be with you. An essential experiment before your life-long commitment.

nolongersurprised · 26/10/2025 20:36

He thinks women are responsible for child care, OP. He wants you to do even more of it - you’re not doing “enough” - and be grateful for it.

he is not the prize. Run while you can

LadeOde · 26/10/2025 20:38

@OP Do not marry this man.

BustyLaRoux · 26/10/2025 20:40

Please don’t marry this man. You sound lovely.

Foxxtrot · 26/10/2025 20:42

I think you should thank him. He gave you a good peek into the future with him and how domestic roles esp in relation to childcare are going to look like. It's up to you what you make of this.
But from the updates, this was not a one off. I would cut my losses and move on (I know easier said that some but you are in a position to stop this whole run away train now before getting on, use it).

lalalala1234321 · 26/10/2025 20:45

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

I would NOT marry someone like this

run for the hills!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Plainjanespaghetti · 26/10/2025 20:47

I haven't read the whole thread but...
I'd be very wary of a parent who plans to marry on Xmas Eve. Imo it shows a lack of consideration for his child.
Every Xmas eve will be a dilemma between spending it with DC or celebrating a wedding anniversary 🤷🏼‍♀️

Francine84 · 26/10/2025 20:50

With respect OP it can’t be that long-term a relationship if he has a 4 year old son with another woman.

I would seriously reconsider your future with this man, it sounds like he has very little respect for you and expects you to do his share of the childcare for his son. Please think about whether you want to put up with this, let alone have children of your own with him.

ArtesianWater · 26/10/2025 20:51

This is not a stepparent problem, it's a partner problem.

Mookie81 · 26/10/2025 20:54

Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 15:35

So actually it’s a massive issue that you’ve known about for ages and still planning on that Christmas Eve wedding

limited sympathy

Completely agree, so dumb! Why are women so bloody desperate for a man they'll put up with this shit?!
He's not even employed; setting up a business my arse.

Coaster99 · 26/10/2025 21:00

Are You the Nanny with the Fanny he’s obvs been looking for

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2025 21:00

With respect OP it can’t be that long-term a relationship if he has a 4 year old son with another woman.

This.

Can you imagine having a child with this chancer? You'll split up with him in a year or so and then he'll get some other gullible girlfriend to look after them at the weekends so he doesn't have to.

Call off the wedding now, before it's too late.