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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
Tryingatleast · 26/10/2025 23:17

Op maybe this is a one off or the draw that broke the camels back but honestly you sound like someone who’s been married forty years and has been knocked down- not someone about to get married! Judy be very sure the way things are now aren’t going to be your life

ReallyShortAttentionSpa · 26/10/2025 23:22

Sounds like he’s teeing you up to be a nanny with a Fanny OP. I’d give some serious thought as to whether you want to sign up for this. In my bitter experience it will only get worse.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2025 00:20

I'm sorry you're so invested in DSS.

You clearly have a lovely relationship with him, and I'm sure you'll miss him when you dump his dad

Why did his last relationship break up, btw?

ClairDeLaLune · 27/10/2025 00:24

Do Not Marry This Man.

He's already being nasty and sulky with you at a time when you should be in the (pre-) honeymoon period. 🚩 He’s treating you as unpaid childcare. 🚩 Run.

Trendyname · 27/10/2025 00:53

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

His son is only 4, he is your long term partner, he also dated women with children. What is the timeline? Did he leave DSS’s mum while she was pregnant?

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 01:36

He sounds deranged and a terrible example to his son?

SorryNotSorry00 · 27/10/2025 01:44

I’m glad to see that you have got good advice in this thread already OP. This man is a manipulative user and despite whatever good points he may have, you have been shown exactly how marriage will be with this man. Do you plan on having kids yourself? Have you and him discussed this?

If he is like this with his expectations of you with HIS son imagine what hell be like with your shared children? Whether you have children together or continue as a family of three I can tell you’ll be a married single mother with this man. I know it seems daunting but for now postpone the wedding at least. Don’t let him fob you off with promises that things will be different. You deserve better.

ocelot3 · 27/10/2025 06:45

OP my concern is that your last post reads as primarily focusing on your disappointment and wanting to meet what ‘he wants of you’ …for him to think well of you. You are keen to please him and be what he wants, in this space before you marry him and have the ‘romantic dream’. Sadly that is niave and foolish. He is clearly not someone you want to have controlling your life. Odds are he also knows well that he can control you by criticising you to make you do what he wants. This happened to me and I realised just before the wedding that, in the pit of my stomach, things were not ok. Stupidly I went through with the wedding, really because I felt it was too late and embarrassing to change my mind about something so public. Don’t be me. I’ve lived to regret it and it has had a major impact on my life. Those pre-wedding weeks when he showed just some of his true colours don’t compare with how awful things became afterwards. Just put the brakes on now and voice your decision to friends or family before you mess up your life with a bad decision.

Heronwatcher · 27/10/2025 06:58

Don’t marry this person. He’s using you for childcare, cooking and sex. And he sounds like a moody twat.

Plus, assert some boundaries. This isn’t the 1950s. “You need to mind DSS”, “sorry, I have plans this morning, if you want me to help out you need to agree it with me in good time”, “I’m extremely hungry” “oh are you, kitchen’s that way, knock yourself out. Did you not have a good breakfast?”.

Honestly I am nice to my partner but that’s because he’s respectful to me and he wouldn’t dream of talking to me like that. We’re not married. IMO that’s relevant.

Also this faux-work rings warning bells- tell me he’s not living with you and/ or you’re financially supporting him and his child too?

HappyToSmile · 27/10/2025 07:08

I think you need to stop being so available. Maybe then he will get it, but u doubt it (he will likely just call you unreasonable). But maybe try it just to see how bad his attitude is. Next time he's "working", say he will need to sort DS as youve already made plans

autienotnaughty · 27/10/2025 07:16

Your dp isn’t very kind to you and hurts your feelings without care. Why do you put up with this? The likelihood is it will get worse not better.

Original poster
tokoyo · 27/10/2025 07:24

I have spoken to my brother this morning (he has a 2 year old so was up at 5am!) and he has said he will come and see me once DN is at nursery. He is shocked at DPs behaviour and has called him a “chancer”. Hopefully DP is out when my brother comes because I wouldn’t like to see that interaction.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/10/2025 07:30

@tokoyo

You say this is a long term relationship but how long is that?

His child is only 4 so within the space of 4 years he’s split with the mother of his child, been in relationships with other women that he said he helped raise their children and now he’s with you?

I feel that your view on long term isn’t actually long term and you’ve rushed this and he’s just got to the stage where his mask is slipping and the real him Is starting to show.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2025 07:34

Why wouldn’t you like to see that interaction? Do you think your partner would kick off? Does he have an anger problem to go alongside his other marvellous traits?

ocelot3 · 27/10/2025 07:36

tokoyo · 27/10/2025 07:24

I have spoken to my brother this morning (he has a 2 year old so was up at 5am!) and he has said he will come and see me once DN is at nursery. He is shocked at DPs behaviour and has called him a “chancer”. Hopefully DP is out when my brother comes because I wouldn’t like to see that interaction.

This is good - well done in making a positive step for yourself and for speaking the truth to someone close to you before it’s too late. (And if he is angry about you seeing your brother and wanting to interfere in that relationship, you have all the information you need… though I think you have that already.) Surely you want to speak to your brother first without him listening and interfering in your perspective - maybe go out for a walk with your brother or to get a coffee? (I presume you are not obliged to be in the house to do the childcare…)

TerribleGardener · 27/10/2025 07:40

My DH and I share 2 children. When the kids were that small we would have battled on through illness to look after them or thanked the other one for solo parenting while we rested (even though they were ours equally) It's just the lack of consideration for you that is so off, it's so easy to show a bit of gratitude unless he doesn't actually appreciate your time and effort at all, does this apply to other things you do?

NormaSears · 27/10/2025 07:41

@tokoyo , "...“for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him”
He wasn't in the slightest bit sorry. He was taking you for granted.

and then slammed the door"
He's an arsehole.

“I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”.
He SOMETIMES treats his OWN child like his own.

(One or two of us said that he might have been with another woman that morning. As far-fetched as that might seem, men do this sort of thing.)

WeWillAllGoTogether · 27/10/2025 08:04

Oh @tokoyo you already sound so worn down and passive and worried about displeasing your "D"P, scrabbling around for his approval in doing "enough" for his child, fearful of your own brother's visit upsetting him. And this is before you are married, when you have only been in a relationship for [how long? can't be more than a couple of years!] and should be in the most honeymoon of honeymoon periods. If it's like this now, it is only going to get worse after you are married.

Do you really really really really want this to be the rest of your life?

It may be socially embarrassing and may cost money to cancel the wedding, but for goodness sake just RUN.

NotARealWookiie · 27/10/2025 08:07

It’s sounds like you’re on eggshells trying to please him and he’s got you feeling like this is your fault or you’ve done something wrong. This is unhealthy.

He’s not one of these men who insists on 50/50 custody, depriving the mother of time with their child, so that they don’t have to pay child maintenance and then palms them off onto someone else is he? You aren’t his housekeeper and nanny.

You do sound like a lovely step mum and person though. Do you want children? Because he’s showing you the dad he is…

Glad your brother is coming round, I hope he’s sensible.

jeaux90 · 27/10/2025 08:17

Well he’s got himself a support human right? Is it your house?

Whyherewego · 27/10/2025 08:26

WeWillAllGoTogether · 27/10/2025 08:04

Oh @tokoyo you already sound so worn down and passive and worried about displeasing your "D"P, scrabbling around for his approval in doing "enough" for his child, fearful of your own brother's visit upsetting him. And this is before you are married, when you have only been in a relationship for [how long? can't be more than a couple of years!] and should be in the most honeymoon of honeymoon periods. If it's like this now, it is only going to get worse after you are married.

Do you really really really really want this to be the rest of your life?

It may be socially embarrassing and may cost money to cancel the wedding, but for goodness sake just RUN.

Seriously. This.

You cannot marry this man when you are worried about his reactions on things like this.

Fwiw Yes I'd expect a bit of gratitude if I looked after the kids all morning whilst my DP was at work on a Sat (even if they were my own!!). Even if he was unwell he can still be pleasant and civil.

Rosiedayss · 27/10/2025 09:04

tokoyo · 27/10/2025 07:24

I have spoken to my brother this morning (he has a 2 year old so was up at 5am!) and he has said he will come and see me once DN is at nursery. He is shocked at DPs behaviour and has called him a “chancer”. Hopefully DP is out when my brother comes because I wouldn’t like to see that interaction.

Have a bag packed and leave with your brother.

He's not a chancer.
He's a lazy, abusive, using loser, who is a shit father who has found a mug to be his skiving aupair.

evertriedeverfailed · 27/10/2025 09:11

OP, it's hard enough when they're good guys. And no, you won't fix him or train him through the love of a good woman.

No5ChalksRoad · 27/10/2025 09:18

Rosiedayss · 27/10/2025 09:04

Have a bag packed and leave with your brother.

He's not a chancer.
He's a lazy, abusive, using loser, who is a shit father who has found a mug to be his skiving aupair.

Edited
Show quote history

This, read it over and over to yourself. Put yourself first.

Sartre · 27/10/2025 09:19

If it was a one off because he had a hard day and was feeling sick, I wouldn’t give the benefit of doubt but the fact this is a regular occurrence tells you all you need to know. This isn’t someone you should be marrying and having your own children with, this treatment will only worsen.

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