Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

Um… why are you marrying him. He’s unemployed. He talks to you like shit. He’s got standards you aren’t meeting (saying you don’t treat his kid like yours) which is making you feel like it’s a you problem. He wants to marry you to look after his kid. Does he do anything around the house? Are you a good earner? Are you buying a house together?

What are his redeeming qualities? There must be some, since you're marrying him.

Big red flags are waving. Your step-son isn't your responsibility, he's the responsibility of your partner. Yes, your partner and step-son come as a package, you can't have one without the other. Your partner clearly is expecting you do be doing a high proportion of the 'parenting' when your step-son is staying. Is the business your partner is setting up, likely to mean he's going to need to work when your step-son stays over at weekends or evenings?! If so, then he will be expecting you to look after his son, and likely all day. Are you planning on having children with your partner? You will end up parenting both your own child and your step-son. You need to have a conversation with your partner, about how you see your role in your step-son's life and how involved you want to be. I definitely wouldn't be marrying your partner, until you were satisfied, he is abiding by your boundaries. If you're not careful you will be nothing more than a glorified unpaid nanny.

I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…...

Good grief, you're doing more for him than his unemployed dad is doing.

Don't ever marry someone you have doubts about.

If you're not 100% delighted about every aspect of your future together, just don't. It'd be a terrible decision that you will always regret.

Major red flags

he wants you to treat his son as your own so that he doesn’t have to do childcare

his weekend/time with DS should be that. His time

dss is 4

how long ago did they break up ?

his long have you been a couple ?

the phase nanny with a fanny could be used here

Op there is a saying - if you find you are on the wrong train , get off at the first opportunity, the longer you travel in the wrong direction the more it will cost you to come back . And this of course applies to life not trains . Don’t marry him cancel the wedding go off and have the life you deserve

This. He is an arsehole. He could have viewed the premises anytime, not on his parenting time. Sounds like he doesn’t actually want the hard work of parenting.

How long was he single before you started dating him? How old was the child?

In my case, yes….we’re now getting divorced and he’s stopped me seeing DSC.

I wouldn’t do it again because of the dad, not the kids

Do not proceed with the wedding unless he changes his attitude. Even if you had shared DC, a parent going out should check the other parent is OK for childcare. He shouldn't assume you are available and willing to look after his son. He should thank you for your help when he gets home.

This. Don’t marry him.

DO NOT marry him.

Ummmm.... I'd be rethinking marrying this guy

Oh behave!

It’s not your responsibility and tbh when you have your own child it is highly unlikely you will feel the same about them and dss. You of course can’t know that because you don’t have your own.
He’s trying to guilt you into not only doing his job for him but making you think it’s your responsibility and you are a bad person if you don’t. You aren’t!! Your only job as a step parent is making the child feel welcome, and not getting in the way of them having a relationship with their actual parent. Everything else is a bonus.
I would seriously be considering if you want to marry this guy, and if you do you need clear boundaries.

Yanbu and its not normal. What an ungrateful swine.

So he's currently unemployed/not earning? cocklodger

He disappeared and then had a shower when he got back (affair red flags)

And he regularly uses you as childcare already.

Red flags are waving madly.

Marrying this man could well ruin your life. He’s moody, immature, and rude. He doesn’t love or like you- he likes that he has you and that you do things for him, that’s it.

You could be with someone who is your equal, who enhances your life and you theirs. You could be with someone who respects you and who loves you. This will never never be you fiancé.

This isn’t anything to do with your stepson, this is to do with the emotional abuse from your fiancé and the bright red flags waving that your life will take a massive downturn if you get married.

Do you actually think that this is the ‘life of a stepparent’? Do you actually think this is how all dads are with new partners? Or is this a cry for help and an eagerness for permission to leave, to be told this isn’t normal and you deserve better?

LTB

Aw I feel sorry for his son, not even showing him 5 minutes of attention when he gets in to see his drawing. I get you want to come in, have a shower, get some food and unwind. But you can't just ignore your family! He didn't even try to make a slight effort, tired or ill, that's just being a parent, you're present even when times don't suit you! Sounds like he came in, ignored everyone and showed no appreciation. Be careful he's not taking you for granted.
Even if you were the biological mum, I think it's only respectful to take over and show a bit of thanks to one another! It can be exhausting looking after a young child all day, a bit of acknowledgement doesn't go a miss!

@tokoyo the answer is yes . This is your life unless you put a stop to it . Although I wouldn’t be marrying the dos respectful pig .
Sounds like he has you where he wants you.

Taking you for granted and not even trying, suppose he thinks it’s to close to the wedding for you to back out now .

I am a mum and have been a step parent and I tell you this . I wouldn’t have anyone deciding what I do with my time if I was you .

I genuinely think this man isn’t for you and you deserve better .

Could there be another woman if he came back later than he said, showered and was in a mood that he took out on you?

Even if that's not the case, he sees you as a childcare slave. Run away.

Many women in your situation have to tolerate this behaviour because they have children together and don't want to break up the home.
You are not in this position.
You are still free to walk away.
Don't ask him to change or try and negotiate with him. He's shown u who he is. Very kind of him actually. Saved u years of hurt.
Please love your life and sanity enough to get rid of him. He's awful.

No no nooooooo you're looking at years of misery here. Postpond the wedding.
Please....

Is he having a really bad day or is he often like this? If he is like this frequently you need (I mean this nicely) to get a back bone and speak up for yourself. If my partner came home with that attitude after I’d dedicated my
day to caring for his child I’d say excuse me?! He should be making you a cuppa and some lunch, saying thanks, and asking what you’d like to do with the rest of your day. The way you have described him here he does not sound like a man you should want to marry….