Page 8 | My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

Granso · 2025-10-26T14:13:36+00:00

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him). Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2. Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc. If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices. Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them. I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years. I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life. AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Digdongdoo · 26/10/2025 19:37

If you were accepting of her boyfriend, why wouldn't you have gone to the wedding?
She'd been in a relationship with a foreigner for 2 years. The prospect of marriage or emigration must have entered your head as possibilities.
Did she hide the wedding, or was it planned at short notice to accommodate unforgiving migration laws?

Original poster

Granso · 26/10/2025 19:40

Digdongdoo · 26/10/2025 19:37

If you were accepting of her boyfriend, why wouldn't you have gone to the wedding?
She'd been in a relationship with a foreigner for 2 years. The prospect of marriage or emigration must have entered your head as possibilities.
Did she hide the wedding, or was it planned at short notice to accommodate unforgiving migration laws?

They had been planning it for 9 months before.

OP posts:

Digdongdoo · 26/10/2025 19:42

Granso · 26/10/2025 19:40

They had been planning it for 9 months before.

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So why do you suppose they hide it then?

ClickClickety · 26/10/2025 19:45

OP, I wish you best of luck with the move. Do you and DH have hobbies/active social life? I think you should make a plan that they have the house to themselves at least one night a week, so perhaps a cinema trip or dinner out. Go out for a few hours at the weekends as well so they can have some space and give you a breather from toddler tantrums.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2025 20:13

StewkeyBlue · 26/10/2025 19:15

Fair enough! Bang to rights.

Not paying enough attention,

Would have been much less alarmed about Dc moving to Lebanon… and would personally have felt much happier about travelling there myself.

But my thoughts remain the same.

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<looks around> we’re still on MN right? You being all like reasonable and shit. And politely answering. Very strange. Fair play!

I have a Yemeni friend who totally matter-of-fact told me about her brother being kidnapped. I’d feel very differently about Yemen.

ForeverPombear · 26/10/2025 20:31

Has she ever told you the reason why she hid it from you? I think you two need a frank chat and you need to listen to her without judgement

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 26/10/2025 20:43

Granso · 26/10/2025 14:20

I disapproved and she was only 21, she had just finished her own degree, had so many opportunities waiting for her, and gave it up to live in a country riddled with instability, have children young etc.
I just didn’t think it was a smart choice.

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You know it is possible to not agree with your child’s choices but to still be there to support them even if you think what they’re doing is stupid. Surely that’s when they need your support the most. Seems crazy that you’ve barely even seen your grandkids on FaceTime.

this may not have been what you would have chosen for her, but it’s what she chose and you should have respected that. I hope that you can now rebuild your relationship.

Linenpickle · 26/10/2025 21:05

Could you buy them all welcome gifts - pyjamas, toiletries, books, toys for kids, nice lip balm for dd, some clothes, Lenonese foods?

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2025 21:25

You say that you were only ever accepting of her boyfriend (now husband) in your last post, but earlier in the thread you said that you alleged that he had been grooming her.

That doesn't sound very accepting to me and could well be why she was covert about the wedding until the last minute. She knew that there would be some drama and you did provide it. You fucked up big time. Now you need to learn from it and show that you have learned from it.

It's a massive learning curve for you. Don't make any of these ridiculous mistakes again and seize the opportunity you now somehow seem to have with both hands. Don't waste it. It probably won't come along again.

AleaEim · 26/10/2025 22:11

Granso · 26/10/2025 19:34

I totally understand I made an inexcusable mistake with DD. I own that wholly and completely. However every self righteous person saying that has clearly never been in a situation where their 21 year old, bright child just finished university, who had always dreamed of living in Italy or France. Tells you they are moving to Lebanon, a country which as beautiful it is, with a loving warm culture etc. is known for its political instability and corruption. Then she tells you she is getting married in 2 weeks. You question why did she hide the wedding when we were only ever accepting of her boyfriend, he joined us for dinner and holidays and played golf with my husband. Why did she feel the need to hide that, why tell us last minute, why move to Lebanon at all.
As a mother my instincts were protective and I feared that she wasn’t fully in control of the decision.
I can see now I was wrong but at the time it was a blur, it was manic and it was totally unexpected.
I tried to reach out and maintain contact, perhaps not as hard as I could have and I will live to regret that but DD had made her choice to go no contact which I respected as I understood that I did not react in the way she wanted or needed me to. Whether that was from fear or shock or poor mothering is not relevant to the reality that I did let her down.
So yes tell me exactly what you would have done, then live it and if you respond better than I did then I’m glad you were able to make more rational decisions in a high pressure situation.

Op you’re getting a hard time here and you’re remaining so calm. I would go ballistic if my child did what your dd did. I bet she regrets it all now, time will tell but I bet she just wants to come home now to a stable country and live a good life with freedom. Welcome her with open arms but I suspect there’s a lot more to this, why on earth did she get married so suddenly at that age? All v strange. You were right to be suspicious.

Clutchball · 26/10/2025 22:30

AleaEim · 26/10/2025 22:11

Op you’re getting a hard time here and you’re remaining so calm. I would go ballistic if my child did what your dd did. I bet she regrets it all now, time will tell but I bet she just wants to come home now to a stable country and live a good life with freedom. Welcome her with open arms but I suspect there’s a lot more to this, why on earth did she get married so suddenly at that age? All v strange. You were right to be suspicious.

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Op you’re getting a hard time here and you’re remaining so calm.

Posters that are relentless with this actively try to get someone to lose their calm so they can say ‘see, we were right!’ It’s so transparent.

Original poster

Granso · 26/10/2025 22:54

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2025 21:25

You say that you were only ever accepting of her boyfriend (now husband) in your last post, but earlier in the thread you said that you alleged that he had been grooming her.

That doesn't sound very accepting to me and could well be why she was covert about the wedding until the last minute. She knew that there would be some drama and you did provide it. You fucked up big time. Now you need to learn from it and show that you have learned from it.

It's a massive learning curve for you. Don't make any of these ridiculous mistakes again and seize the opportunity you now somehow seem to have with both hands. Don't waste it. It probably won't come along again.

Not that you are actually entitled to a run down of what happened, but to clarify. My DD started dating her now husband 2 years before they married and left the country. She was 19 at this point and I think think almost all parents it never occurred to me she may marry him so quickly, it never occurred to me my daughter who dreamed of living in Europe, and travelling the world, and chasing success, who would marry at 21, move to unstable children and become a mother at that point in her life.
Maybe others would expect that but in my mind it was either a relationship that would die out with age or they’d make it a few more years and marry later, have children later etc.
We never said a bad word against him.
As to why DD hid the wedding planning I imagine it’s because most parents of 21 year olds aren’t going to be over the moon when their child tells them I’m getting married and moving abroad and giving up my career prospects to have a family. Because really it’s not what we want for our children, we want them to live and see the world and achieve everything they have ever imagined. I’d guess she was expecting an element of push back and felt it would be easier to wait until we couldn’t change her mind.

I then responded poorly, I felt the decision was reckless and out of character and I feared that she was being groomed. I couldn’t process in the small window of time I had that this was something she truly wanted and less so could I be a witness to it. Maybe you’d have thought different, but I was terrified, it was unexpected I did not have much time to process it and yes I told her that I was concerned she was being groomed, I told her she didn’t have to do this etc. This offended DD, and upon reflection rightly so. But I didn’t have the benefit then of knowing 8 years down the line they would still be together, I didn’t have the foresight to know it would be okay, and like any mother I worried.
This fractured our relationship, we both struggled to speak to each other but I maintained a link, I sent presents and cards and I text her all to no reply which I respected as she was an adult and while I had my concerns I could not go barging into a life she did not want me in.
The continued for many years until 2023 when she had her 3rd child, I messaged her congratulations and gradually we got closer, it wasn’t automatic, it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. We didn’t jump straight to FaceTimes and visits as ultimately she was a different person to the one who left . She left a young woman, with no responsibilities and was now a mother to 3 gorgeous little girls, caring for her in laws, living in an economic and political crisis, dealing with the fear of that situation and being conflicted as to if returning without her husband was worth it. She felt it wasn’t and stayed by his side and for every part of her I don’t recognise I do recognise that part of her, her unwavering devotion to love.
Now they are coming back I can’t tell you the exact package offered or their full plan, but she called me she said she knew it was a lot to ask but could they live with us until they found somewhere near by as they wanted to get the girls into good schools. I of course said yes, as my children have always been welcome in my home.

OP posts:

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 26/10/2025 23:19

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2025 21:25

You say that you were only ever accepting of her boyfriend (now husband) in your last post, but earlier in the thread you said that you alleged that he had been grooming her.

That doesn't sound very accepting to me and could well be why she was covert about the wedding until the last minute. She knew that there would be some drama and you did provide it. You fucked up big time. Now you need to learn from it and show that you have learned from it.

It's a massive learning curve for you. Don't make any of these ridiculous mistakes again and seize the opportunity you now somehow seem to have with both hands. Don't waste it. It probably won't come along again.

Dear god. “You fucked up big time”. Do hush with your ott nonsense. So unhelpful and utterly ridiculous.

Topseyt123 · 27/10/2025 02:50

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 26/10/2025 23:19

Dear god. “You fucked up big time”. Do hush with your ott nonsense. So unhelpful and utterly ridiculous.

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It's neither unhelpful nor ridiculous. Nor is it OTT. OP herself has admitted that her behaviour was inexcusable, or did you miss that? She accused the then boyfriend of grooming and didn't even go to the wedding although her DH did.

She's also indicated that she now wants to build bridges and most of us are encouraging that, including me. Big fuck ups need a lot of work to repair. No point pretending otherwise but she now has that chance and must take it. Nothing at all wrong with saying that. It's what the thread is all about.

Topseyt123 · 27/10/2025 02:58

Granso · 26/10/2025 22:54

Not that you are actually entitled to a run down of what happened, but to clarify. My DD started dating her now husband 2 years before they married and left the country. She was 19 at this point and I think think almost all parents it never occurred to me she may marry him so quickly, it never occurred to me my daughter who dreamed of living in Europe, and travelling the world, and chasing success, who would marry at 21, move to unstable children and become a mother at that point in her life.
Maybe others would expect that but in my mind it was either a relationship that would die out with age or they’d make it a few more years and marry later, have children later etc.
We never said a bad word against him.
As to why DD hid the wedding planning I imagine it’s because most parents of 21 year olds aren’t going to be over the moon when their child tells them I’m getting married and moving abroad and giving up my career prospects to have a family. Because really it’s not what we want for our children, we want them to live and see the world and achieve everything they have ever imagined. I’d guess she was expecting an element of push back and felt it would be easier to wait until we couldn’t change her mind.

I then responded poorly, I felt the decision was reckless and out of character and I feared that she was being groomed. I couldn’t process in the small window of time I had that this was something she truly wanted and less so could I be a witness to it. Maybe you’d have thought different, but I was terrified, it was unexpected I did not have much time to process it and yes I told her that I was concerned she was being groomed, I told her she didn’t have to do this etc. This offended DD, and upon reflection rightly so. But I didn’t have the benefit then of knowing 8 years down the line they would still be together, I didn’t have the foresight to know it would be okay, and like any mother I worried.
This fractured our relationship, we both struggled to speak to each other but I maintained a link, I sent presents and cards and I text her all to no reply which I respected as she was an adult and while I had my concerns I could not go barging into a life she did not want me in.
The continued for many years until 2023 when she had her 3rd child, I messaged her congratulations and gradually we got closer, it wasn’t automatic, it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. We didn’t jump straight to FaceTimes and visits as ultimately she was a different person to the one who left . She left a young woman, with no responsibilities and was now a mother to 3 gorgeous little girls, caring for her in laws, living in an economic and political crisis, dealing with the fear of that situation and being conflicted as to if returning without her husband was worth it. She felt it wasn’t and stayed by his side and for every part of her I don’t recognise I do recognise that part of her, her unwavering devotion to love.
Now they are coming back I can’t tell you the exact package offered or their full plan, but she called me she said she knew it was a lot to ask but could they live with us until they found somewhere near by as they wanted to get the girls into good schools. I of course said yes, as my children have always been welcome in my home.

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I understand all of that, and I am glad you have admitted your mistakes. Now to rebuild bridges properly and make good. I am sure you will.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 05:56

at least your husband went to the wedding.

I would hazard a guess your daughter is a regular on the stately homes thread

Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/10/2025 06:07

God, go and polish your halos, you self righteous people @Topseyt123 @Weekendwatch watch you don’t trip over your pitchforks on the way. Worst of Mumsnet.

Good luck @Granso - you have been so reflective and honest. It sounds like it was an intense time and as you say - who knows how they would act? I hope it all works out well. 💞

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/10/2025 06:08

I think you will just have to be open, and sensitive - ask her how she wants to approach Christmas, and adjust your usual approach if she doesn’t think it will work for her family. Be welcoming, offer support but not opinions with the dc unless asked. Offer eg would you like me to take them to the park?It’s wonderful to get another chance like this to know your dd and your granddaughters :)

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/10/2025 06:10

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 05:56

at least your husband went to the wedding.

I would hazard a guess your daughter is a regular on the stately homes thread

Not really, the parents/family discussed on that thread don’t seem at all self aware, very different to the op, but you go ahead and shit on posters who have acknowledged their faults if it makes you happier.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 06:10

Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/10/2025 06:07

God, go and polish your halos, you self righteous people @Topseyt123 @Weekendwatch watch you don’t trip over your pitchforks on the way. Worst of Mumsnet.

Good luck @Granso - you have been so reflective and honest. It sounds like it was an intense time and as you say - who knows how they would act? I hope it all works out well. 💞

Oh calm down drama llama 😆

The OP was so very concerned for her young adult daughter than she decided to have absolutely nothing to do with her for many years. Even her husband made it out for the wedding whilst the OP stewed at home.

and even now the OP thinks it’s a possibility her daughter has contacted her to get money from her.

RiceBubbless · 27/10/2025 06:13

DON'T, DON'T DON'T compare her girls with you son's boys. Don't respond to every story about her girls with one about the boys. Get to know the girls and don't show favoritism for the grandkids you know well. My MIL did this when we moved to her town and always talked about her other grandchild achievements. We want you to be interested in our kids !! Also drove a wedge between cousins as my kids could see the favoritism.

Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/10/2025 06:18

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 06:10

Oh calm down drama llama 😆

The OP was so very concerned for her young adult daughter than she decided to have absolutely nothing to do with her for many years. Even her husband made it out for the wedding whilst the OP stewed at home.

and even now the OP thinks it’s a possibility her daughter has contacted her to get money from her.

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No you calm down. Reread your comment - was it necessary? I would hazard a guess your daughter is a regular on the stately homes thread

The OP has calmly and politely replied to everyone on this thread. Why did you feel the need to rattle that off? Maybe consider there’s a real human at the other end ? The day I type something mean spirited like that will be the day I’ll think I need to do something else with my time.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 06:19

Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/10/2025 06:18

No you calm down. Reread your comment - was it necessary? I would hazard a guess your daughter is a regular on the stately homes thread

The OP has calmly and politely replied to everyone on this thread. Why did you feel the need to rattle that off? Maybe consider there’s a real human at the other end ? The day I type something mean spirited like that will be the day I’ll think I need to do something else with my time.

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Yup

and I’d bet on it

her own mother didn’t turn up to her wedding.

stately homes regular for sure

Twinkylightsg · 27/10/2025 06:19

You keep saying life in Lebanon has been hard for her. Are these your assumptions or have you spoken to her about it ? As you seem estranged it is hard to tell.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 06:20

Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/10/2025 06:18

No you calm down. Reread your comment - was it necessary? I would hazard a guess your daughter is a regular on the stately homes thread

The OP has calmly and politely replied to everyone on this thread. Why did you feel the need to rattle that off? Maybe consider there’s a real human at the other end ? The day I type something mean spirited like that will be the day I’ll think I need to do something else with my time.

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God, go and polish your halos, you self righteous people watch you don’t trip over your pitchforks on the way.

Lovely 😆