My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

So why couldn't you have met up with them in Greece or Cyprus?

You are coming across so badly here that I want to think it's a reverse, though I doubt it really.

I just can't understand how, with free messaging and phone calls, you haven't kept in touch with her throughout those years. Were you menopausal at the time and not seeing straight?

It seems they are in contact as now they need you

@Granso maybe consider getting this thread deleted just incase she sees it. If I was a new mum moving countries, I’d be all over mumsnet.

That's incredibly unfair. It's her daughter - she's always needed her mum.

Well, I wish you all the best, OP, but I think you’re absolutely mad to have them living with you.

That’s pretty horrific that you said that in the first place, and even worse that you haven’t apologised after all this time.

Op it sounds like sending money was your way to have a distant relationship. Now your dd is due home it seems to be about money again. I don’t think all living together is wise considering what has happened. You didn’t even attend her wedding. I think you need to be more honest with dd some frank conversations are needed. If she needs your money I would offer it from the off. Then you both know where you stand. Could you help them rent a place nearby? Then build your relationship with them all gradually? As all under one roof could go very wrong.

@WatchingTheDetective has she? Didn't seem like it when she was abroad.

Thr op has said they weren't invited to Greece or Cyprus.

'Menopausal and not seeing straight', what an awfully ageist thing to say!

We see folk on here all the time recommending 'going NC' if someone looks at them the wrong way so difficult family relationships are not a new thing.

The op wants to make amends. That is surely a start.

You've been given a very lucky chance now to try and make good, to begin repairing the damage that your bigoted and racist behaviour unnecessarily caused.

Seize it with both hands. Don't try in any way to justify your past behaviour. Admit that you were very, very wrong. Tell her that you love her unconditionally, that you accept the decisions she made and that you can see that they were obviously right for her. Admit that you should have been much more accepting and supportive, should have gone to her wedding, shouldn't have made the ridiculous and baseless allegation that her now DH was grooming her.

I think you probably owe similar apologies to her husband too. Make them full and proper apologies, not non-apologies. No "I'm sorry but ......." Just be contrite and mean it. Actions too will speak louder than words.

I think/hope you have learnt a lesson here. Like not to be so judgemental and racist in the future, and to be more open and supportive of your children's adult choices.

Well, I too would have been deeply disconcerted, pretty horrified really, had they gone straight into parenthood from Uni in a country as dangerous as Yemen.

But that would have prompted me to do all I could to remain close.

OP, they went to all those places on holiday: you couldn’t have met her in Greece???

But I very much hope you can now come to a reconciliation.

I would start by writing to her before she arrives. Say you are proud of her for raising 3 children and you regret not keeping in close touch. Sure, tell her you were worried about her safety but you were wrong in the way you behaved and you apologise unconditionally.

Tell her you are delighted she is common back and you know she will be making big adjustments and you hope that she will feel able to let you know how she feels and what support she needs.

And FFS stop making nasty insinuations in your mind about his she is involved in some manipulative plot to get your money. Keep up that sort of attitude and you are setting yourself up to fail.

Why are you being quite so honest on here OP, you are sounding really unpleasant? The picture you paint of yourself is too bad to be a reverse even.

'OP, they went to all those places on holiday: you couldn’t have met her in Greece???'

They weren't invited. You can't just pitch up on someone's holiday. The dd was visiting her db.

Daughters need their mums. Especially when they are new young mothers themselves.

Of course she needs her mother. She's needed her for years but her mum has behaved appallingly (as she admits) and been mostly absent, not even going to the wedding even when her own DH (DD's Dad) did go.

OP is now extremely fortunate in that she has a chance to start trying to rebuild and improve things. She should seize it with both hands rather than being dissuaded by comments such as this.

Wrong country, which is interesting.

When, at 23, I moved 200 miles away with my then-boyfriend, now-DH, my mum acted like I had been kidnapped. There was no sudden wedding and moving to a war-torn country. We were close enough that she could come and stay. Nothing to stop us talking on the phone etc.

15 years later, she still sometimes talks about it as if my DH “took me away”. He is also only a couple of years older than me, and there is absolutely no reason I can see for her to assume I wasn’t fully making my own decision about my own life. It was like she couldn’t accept it that I was “leaving her”.

I sympathise with your past behaviour. You clearly regret it and the people judging you for it have almost certainly not experienced anything remotely similar.

So basically you shunned your daughter for marrying an Arab?

They get off that plane and you all forget everything! You open your arms and your heart and accept them all flaws included and never look back.

Fair enough! Bang to rights.

Not paying enough attention,

Would have been much less alarmed about Dc moving to Lebanon… and would personally have felt much happier about travelling there myself.

But my thoughts remain the same.

I know you mean well, but it isn't going to be quite that simple, and I'm not sure that it's helpful to pretend that it will be. I'm sure that they will eventually be able to put the past behind them, but the OP needs to be prepared for a somewhat rocky road ahead.

No way in this case
no way

DD was non contact with us from 2018 until June 2020 when she told us about their first baby, we sent cards, I messaged her, DH messaged her all to no reply. We then spoke to her again just a few weeks later around the time of the port explosion as I knew they didn’t live massively far from the port and I was terrified.
I continued to message, send cards and presents, and again in August 2021 when they had their 2nd baby I messaged and received no reply at all.
This continued until July 2023, by which point I can’t quite recall if it was already an advisory against all travel or if it was very close to that point. All of our time that we have been reconnected it has been FCDO do not travel. You cannot just travel to a country with an active terrorist group and active airstrikes from neighbours. You will not get travel insurance with any ease (especially not considering my DH and I both have health issues as it is). It would be utterly reckless. Of course I’d have loved to go and see her but it’s not as simple as oh I’ll hope on a plane. They also haven’t been on holiday since early 2024 which we weren’t invited on nor was DS, this was their trip to the UAE.

When someone is no contact any number of Mumsnet threads will tell you not to force yourself on them or disrespect their choice. And if a country is under a do not travel from the FCDO then the choice is much removed from your own hands!

You say 21 year old as if that’s a child, but refer to the 23 year old boyfriend as a man? What is the difference???

The more you talk, the more I’m absolutely gobsmacked your DD is even willing to have a relationship with you at all.

I totally understand I made an inexcusable mistake with DD. I own that wholly and completely. However every self righteous person saying that has clearly never been in a situation where their 21 year old, bright child just finished university, who had always dreamed of living in Italy or France. Tells you they are moving to Lebanon, a country which as beautiful it is, with a loving warm culture etc. is known for its political instability and corruption. Then she tells you she is getting married in 2 weeks. You question why did she hide the wedding when we were only ever accepting of her boyfriend, he joined us for dinner and holidays and played golf with my husband. Why did she feel the need to hide that, why tell us last minute, why move to Lebanon at all.
As a mother my instincts were protective and I feared that she wasn’t fully in control of the decision.
I can see now I was wrong but at the time it was a blur, it was manic and it was totally unexpected.
I tried to reach out and maintain contact, perhaps not as hard as I could have and I will live to regret that but DD had made her choice to go no contact which I respected as I understood that I did not react in the way she wanted or needed me to. Whether that was from fear or shock or poor mothering is not relevant to the reality that I did let her down.
So yes tell me exactly what you would have done, then live it and if you respond better than I did then I’m glad you were able to make more rational decisions in a high pressure situation.