Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Difficult age but you’re too hands on. They need freedom. What you are doing is lovely but I’ve been 10 and my mum did the parenting , and we’d go to town for of together etc, but I was allowed to play independently and freely with my friends, I had sleepovers and enjoyed the freedom their parents gave us, aside from cooking we decided what to do. They are not toddlers or even young young children anymore. We choose our own films, within reason, played in parks, walked to shops together. Played outside on bikes. It’s normal at that age

10 is not too young for a walk on their own.

I think you have made some really valid points @latetothefisting. We encourage young people not to just go along with things to please someone else (esp an adult), yet we also feel they are rude for speaking up.

at 10 I agree you havnt quite mastered social norms and you @MySef possibly haven't either.
You felt you were being kind where as guest felt overbearing so which is right which is wrong?
You didn’t take the hint to leave them alone so friend and DD probs think you were rude, you think they were rude for scoffing at your ‘planned’ and organised fun,

I don’t think anyone is necessarily very right or very wrong. @MySef lesson learned for next time (if there is a next time), back off and let them just be.

I think the girls tried to convey back off but you just didn’t pick up cues. It’s really hard to deal with if someone is completely missing the cues. I had a Guide age 10 whose mum treats her like she’s a small child and it’s really hard to deal with for me as an adult. I tend to go for a firm X is fine with her friends pick up at 9pm type approach but this mum was totally oblivious and it’s excruciating.

10 is definitely not too young for a walk on their own. Kids walk to/from school alone at younger than that

They’re too old to be coddled like that and I bet it did feel very babyish! You have been really unfair on your daughter and probably embarrassed her. You should have taken the hint early doors and let them go and play (alone!!) upstairs. Keep the planned activities for just you and your daughter. YABVU. Plan another sleepover and leave them alone! Although I’d be surprised if the friend wants to come again tbh.

The friend is super rude. If that was my child he would have been asked to step out and gotten a solid peace of mind of how appropriate those whispers about me in my presence were. So, in your shoes I would put sanctions for her accepting that behaviour towards her mum.

As a separate thought, it looks like you put an effort without asking your daughter what they would like to do. Perhaps for the future check with her and let her do the organising.

Oh dear. I'm sorry, but I cringed reading your OP, and again when you said they're 10. You massively micromanaged them, when they'd been looking forward to just hanging out.

10 year old don't have the communication skills and social confidence to say 'sorry mum, but we'd rather just hang out on my room' when they can see that you've gone to that amount of trouble.

Your going to have to grovel and own your mistake, if your DD is ever going to have a friend round again.

Was really thoughtful of you to arrange all that but at 10 I would let them be x

You meant well but it's probably best to leave kids that age alone.

if the kids were 6 this would be fine but at 10 you need to ask them if they would like to do these things or if they have other plans.

Grovel 🤣🤣 to a 10 year old?

Pumpkin carving..if they wanted to yes id sort it.

Board game?! With you involved ? Unusual at that age sorry unless its a sort of family night maybe.

I have an 11 year old daughter and for the past couple of years id have expected them to be in their room drawing playing chatting or watching their favourite tv programmes.

By 10 my son was even more independent and would have been aghast at this.

It sounds like you were expecting them to sit with you the whole time ? And.if its safe for them where you live personally I always encourage little bits of independence like a walk round the block or to the park

friend sounds rude
but why didnt your dd ask if they could go for a walk on their own?

Sorry OP but I also think YABU.

My memories of even being 6 or 7 at friends houses are all of us playing with toys in each other's rooms. I've no doubt in hindsight that parents will have been listening and popping their heads in to check on us but had they sat on the floor next to us with the assumption they'd be helping build our lego structure I'd have been quite taken aback.

I think for ten years old this was way too involved, even though the thought behind it was nice. Having craft/game ideas there as a backup in case they get bored would have been lovely but your OP sounds like you expected to be part of the sleepover with them and I do think that's a bit much.

I do agree that they were rude to whisper and pull faces but I'm also not convinced that your DD could have just said "sorry mum but actually we want to just go upstairs" and you'd have been fine with it.

I'm baffled as to why you continued with the planned activities and I can't imagine how awkward the pumpkin carving/board game/film was when they were so clearly not up for it. Why not just let them do what they wanted to do? Yes they were rude but it's almost like they were being forced to do activities as punishment.

I think you'd be better with low pressure options like "I'm going to carve some pumpkins tonight so feel free to join me if you want to" or "Me and your dad were thinking of playing Monopoly after dinner and you're welcome to join"

I also think that had you left them to it, they'd have been more keen to join for some of the stuff. After being alone in DDs room for a couple of hours, I imagine that you shouting up "do you girls want a hot chocolate and marshmallows?" would have had them running downstairs and that pancakes in the morning would have been welcomed. It's reasonable not to allow them to go for a walk alone, but I wonder if at that point they just felt like they wanted a bit of peace and time alone.

I think 10 year olds are more grown up than people often think. By that age I was talking to friends about which boyband members we fancied and giggling about school gossip. Obviously it was nothing exciting and we were still just children, (we were still rollerblading and watching Pokemon) but I was old enough to feel like I wanted to talk to my friends alone.

I think YABU to be “seething”.

You’re expecting a pair of 10 year olds to have the emotional intelligence to placate you, when you as an adult didn’t have the emotional intelligence to “read the room”.

You basically kept pushing something until they had to be rude to get you to listen.

What a massive overreaction to 10yo girls being 10yo girls.

Sanctions? FFS 😂

Exactly…My kids walked to school alone (school encouraged this), from year 5, and they go to the shops with their friends for snacks etc and to the park alone too (my youngest is 11 but has been doing this for a couple of years)

You were too much (in the nicest way) but they were both rude AF which there is no excuse for.

Im not sure its rude of a 10 year old to be trying to say can we go and play now. Sounds totally age appropriate to me

When my 10 year old has friends round, I provide food and leave them to it.

Im not sure its rude of a 10 year old to be trying to say can we go and play now. Sounds totally age appropriate to me

You go to a sleepover to hang out with your pal, not her mum. Sorry OP

Slight derail but the obsession with hot chocolate and marshmallows baffles me, it’s basically a trope. I used to assist with forest schools and the organisers always made a big fuss over making this with storm kettles. Almost every child left most of it undrunk.

I think the point is that people are trying to make, it's not really rude when you're being forced to "play along" with you're parents sleepover itinerary. I would act the same. I would expect my daughter to act the same if I told her she could have a friend over but then didn't leave her alone and forced her to do what I wanted to do.