Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

You had some really nice ideas but they are 10...at the age of no longer wanting to be treated as a small child even though they are one.

You should have just let them at it.

That said, I don't disagree that the friend seems like a spoilt brat even if she is right.

An 8 year old and 10 year old are worlds apart. At 10 and year 6, kids really think they are quite grown up. Op choosing all of this stuff for them is overbearing and helicoptering. You may just about get away with this stuff with a child 2 years younger but no way at 10. It will have been excruciatingly embarrassing for her dd.

My DD had her first sleepover with a friend here at age 10. I asked her before hand to check with friend what they would like for dinner. I provided pizzas for dinner and gave them popcorn and sweets for the evening and left them to, definitely didn’t interfere at all

I was talking to one of my daughters very much adult friends recently, she said she always remembers loving coming to sleepovers at ours because I left a tray of snacks outside the bedroom door !

Oh bless. I have a 10 y o. If having a friend over I will generally make sure that we have the right kind of food and treats in but broadly leave them to it.

OP you're getting such a hard time on here and honestly some needlessly cruel comments.
If this was DD's 1st sleepover I get it, you were wanting to make it fun. I suspect the friend is the dominant one and yeah I do think she was very rude, she could have just inwardly rolled her eyes.
Lesson learned for you, you'll know to be more hands off next time

She’s not mad. She just made the wrong call.

My 10 year old absolutely would because she’s much kinder than I am and would like to see her friend (my 8 year old is less kind and probably wouldn’t)

I think my 10 year old would want to be left alone with her friend too. Probably supervised with pumpkin carving but I certainly wouldn't sit and watch a film with them or insist on going for a walk together.

Oh I hate the ‘she was just being kind’

it’s not kind to railroad people into doing something because you think it’s what they should want to do

(not aimed at OP but just the whole concept around ‘kindness’ being used as a get out clause )

When DS 9 has sleepovers I barely see the boys. I am in the sitting room/kitchen getting on with housework or reading. I am present but the boys just go around the house and garden playing with different toys etc. I don't organise any activities. I stick pizzas in for food but the boys can eat them wherever they like. If they want to watch a film they can pick from any of our streaming services but I will just check it before they start to make sure it is ok.

Just because you put in effort it doesn’t mean people will like it. Obviously as an adult you learn to hide your emotions and thank people for something you weren’t interested in because you recognise they made an effort.

At their age I wouldn’t imagine my ideal sleepover as doing activities with my friend’s parent. I think it was nice to line up activities but maybe just ones they could be left to do on their own or ones they actually said they’d like to do.

Yep, and it's always aimed at girls/women too.

We don't owe anyone our "kindness".

If you daughter hasn’t had or been to a sleepover before then that will be the reason you were like this.

More likely the reason her daughter hasn't been to or had a sleepover before is because her mother is like this. Surely she's had friends round to play before and they'll all know. To get to 10 without a sleepover is unusual, but it's easy to see why she's not had them or why kids might not want to come.

Plot twist: DD is 19

Pumpkins and hot choc were lovely ideas.

Well yes if that's what they wanted & had asked for.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

So Op why didn't you just leave it?

Why did you think you had to "entertain" them constantly? Yes friend was rude but the pair of them clearly just wanted to sit and chat alone, without you!

Yes they are rude and unappreciative, h

It sounds like your version of a lovely 'Hallmark film' sleepover. Did you ask your DD what she and her friend wanted to do? At 10 it may just be a pizza and swapping tik toks

Maybe arrange a grown up girlie sleepover for your friends.

I do think YABU. Give them pizza and leave them alone. Job done.

I think you should have paid attention to what they were saying, if they said the twits was babyish why not let them choose something else?

DD , 9, had a friend round yesterday. I left them to it and made suggestions when they said they were bored (which involved turfing them out in the garden!). They spent 80% of their time alone.

I understand you being hurt but sounds like your maybe overbearing and it's organised fun that's based on what you want and think .
How old are they ?
I do think friends daughter is rude to be so obvious with her disdain and disrespect in your home ,I wouldn't be happy if my child did that in someone else's home

I think at 10 I would probably leave them to their own devices! I never laid on activities for sleepovers, just provided snacks and let them get on with playing/xbox/watching a movie. When they have a friend over, they generally don't want mum breathing down their necks 😂

Did you ask DD what she'd like to do when you planned the sleepover?

So year 6? Def too old for constant planning - and The Twits? Just no!
At 10 too young for a walk on their own (didn't do this until summer before secondary) unless no roads to cross - but they were probably desperate for space.

I agree with the friend even at my grand old age. I don't want to do everything as a group.
You say you may as well not exist. Wait until they are 14. It's even worse.

Way too over-involved and directive.

Fine if they had begged to do pumpkin carving.
A 10 year old with a friend for a sleepover doesn’t want to play board games involving their parent
Film: you needed to ask them what they wanted to watch. And if they would like snacks / drinks , and if so what. And not sit with them. What is this big deal ‘hot chocolate and popcorn’ fantasy? They might prefer other stuff.

The friend was rude but this would all have been quite embarrassing for your Dd. Or maybe I am projecting, my Dc would have been mortified.

We want things to be lovely and happy gif our kids but be careful not to infantilise them.

They're not babies anymore, they're growing up. Leave them alone to do their own thing. Her friend probably won't ever darken your door again. Your husband is right.