Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

I think some people are being a bit harsh it's hard being a mum and suddenly them being independent and not needing you as much. Children are growing up so much quicker compared to when we were younger, my 10 year old niece is the same.

Whispering whatever they were whispering about the mum in her presence, and accepting that by the daughter of the said mum was absolutely rude. Wouldn't have crossed my mind at 10 yrs, 15 yrs, or 30 yrs old. It's basic manners and respect.

At 10 she’s old enough to plan what she wants to do with her friend on a sleepover.

The whispering was rude but from the activities you organised j was imagining this was 7 year olds. By 10 they are perfectly capable of deciding what they want to do and watch and are getting a bit beyond organsied activities with mum supervising

At ten leave them to it unless asked for anything, they can pick a film if they want. Going for a walk by themselves depends where you live really and how much they are each allowed to do normally, the other mum might not be pleased if her DD isn't allowed to wander about by herself or with just another girl her age.

No, what was rude was the OP imposing her wants and desires on her DD and her friend, and not taking hints to leave them be.

I dont think your dd friend did anything wrong here. You micro managed every aspect of the sleepover, what activities they did, what movie they did even down to wanting to go with them on a walk staying downstairs with you all.

They arent babies they are 10 years old and in year 6. My dd regularly has sleepovers they are in her bedroom watching tv make up etc in the summer the pool is out. I speak to them if ive made them food but I dont over involved myself.

Wrt whispering - it really does depend as a nervous or anxious child might whisper because they don’t know how to get themselves out of the uncomfortable situation and wha to speak with the person they know etc

at that age the girl could be very shy and find the interaction with Mum really hard and not expected at all.

she may not be shy at all but doesn’t know how to deal with the situation in an acceptable manner.

The whole point of a sleepover (in my opinion) is that they entertain each other. When my DD was this age and had sleepovers, they stayed in her room the majority of the time. If they wanted any input from me they'd let me know. I was only there to provide the snacks basically.

as they are ten, you were giving them babyish things. You need to realise your dd has grown up.

I think you need to work on your self esteem if you think 10 year olds not wanting to hang out with you on a playdate is hurtful

I promise you will not survive the brutal teen years unless you learn to detach and let them grow in independence.

They are 10, they want to go upstairs and chat/do whatever 10 year olds do, not play little games with a mum.

And ‘The Twits’?? Seriously??

Also.agree the friend may have been anxious..not understanding why they weren't being left alone and just wanted to play as she normally does..independently of an adult.

I disagree, not that it's hard being a mum. It is. It's hard being a parent in general. Mentally. Physically. Your relationship. And it's hard to know whether you're doing the right thing sometimes. But as an adult, you should have learnt to identify when you are the one causing a problem. If my daughter seems annoyed at something I've done or said, I will ask her what is wrong. If she's got a friend over I wouldn't find a way to get her alone, just for 2 minutes and put right whatever I did, if indeed it was me that caused the problem. I absolutely wouldn't not just carry on as I was expecting suddenly everything to be ok. It's not that OP is a bad person or parent. I just think that she seems a bit out of touch with what a 10 year old needs. Or doesn't need.

It’s rude but theyre also at that stage where theyre desperate to be cool.

Just let them get on with it op!

I would have a few healthy snacks and a chocolate muffin or something and the makings of a pasta dish, and just let them have control over how they want to structure their time within reason. Get on with your own stuff!

As for activities, maybe have a few ideas for activities up your sleeve if the friends aren’t gelling or when there’s a moment they get bored, or leave out a few “suggestions ” eg a racket or board game or a few new art materials, but otherwise leave them alone.

Or leave out the ingredients to make their own pancakes at ten!

DD is 24 and an Accountant with a Mazda

Team DH here.

Awww… I feel for you.

Sounds like the friend is rude, and more independent than your daughter.

I find that by 10, the parents are just the money, the chauffeur and the security team. So it’s up to them to plan what they want to do and you facilitate that.

Making the hot chocolate themselves at 10yrs old is probably more fun than drinking it.

But a side chat with your daughter later - about helpful communication and how their attitude made you feel - would be useful as side whispering is bitchy no matter who is saying it.

DH is right, you had good intentions but sleepovers are generally about hanging out with friends - you sound over involved in making sure they had (your idea of) a good time. Fed and watered, and home in one piece is your remit. Children. especially that age, need to learn to entertain themselves without being 'entertained'.

Not grovel, but sit down and have a mature talk about how your daughter is growing up and you recognise that. Oh, and that the friend was rude. But this is the sort of thing that at ten your daughter should be starting to negotiate; social situations and when to go along, when to say 'no, actually...'.

The most I did with my daughter and her friend was make dinner, provide snacks and take them to the park. The rest of the time leave them to it!

I’m sorry OP but I agree with the others who have said you need to leave them to it. I have a just turned 11 year old and on sleepovers I will provide food (or give them money to go to the chip shop) and will provide stuff like baking supplies if they want to do things but they can watch movies in her room etc. They never want to sit with the family.

One of your ideas eg pancakes would have been fine if your daughter wanted that it’s the fact there was so much planned and you were joining in.
I always did Mickey waffles for breakfast and they went down a treat but I’d set the table with strawberries and Nutella and juice and let them get on and just be in background. I wouldn’t sit at table with them. My dc is at uni now but her friends always loved coming. It’s that line between making it nice for them
and overstepping.

I used to let them get on with it at that age but have a couple of things up my sleeve for if the "We're bored" came (not often). I certainly didn't have a full itinerary planned.