Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Sounds like you were trying to be nice but surely you must know your daughter doesn’t usually like this kind of organized fun? Or is it her friend making her act like this? I’d have a chat and explain you were trying to make it nice but in future leave them to it!

OP you do know this wasn’t your sleepover right?

I only ask because you organised the whole evening and morning, didn’t ask your daughter or the friend what they wanted to do, over involved yourself in their time and are now angry because they wanted to gwt away from your smothering.

Take a step back and look at this from your daughters point of view not your adult hurt feelings. YABVU.

Did you ask your daughter at all what she wanted to do?

Your poor daughter. This would have been mortifying for her and now her friend won't want to come round again.

Did you actually ask your daughter in advance what she wanted to do?

At that age you provide food/activities but keep well out their way unless they ask for input.

Definitely don't watch a film with them

That’s not fair.

Even my ten year old would recognise someone trying to be kind.

Mine are 21 and 17.5 now, but at 10, I left them to it! I provided a few snacks and drinks, ordered pizza or we went to Macdonalds and that was it. If they wanted more, they went to the local shop ( independently). I never got involved at all ( unless a kid wanted to go home because they had eaten too many sweets and were sick!)

You got way too involved there OP.

They are 10. You totally overstepped. That age want to be on their own

mini blondes is 8 and sleepovers are usually in her bedroom and they sing - dance - do make up - babies - colouring - movie night and snacks

but on their own

Jesus, how mortifying for your poor daughter. She's ten, not four! Way too old for all the childish stuff you organised, and in front of her friend too.

Seriously, it's way past time to land the helicopter.

How mortifying gor your daughter, you are really out of touch.
Your job is to fill the fridge, order pizza and leave them be, in return you get peace and quiet.

I would recognise someone trying to be kind, but I also wouldn't want to go back and sleepover somewhere like OP describes.

This.

I think with this stuff you've got to play it by ear, know when to back off and when to join in. My daughter is nearly ten, and her friends are all different. We had one round last week who, much to my surprise wanted me joining in. As she said, card games and board games are better with three! I felt very honoured 😂

What were you thinking @MySef?
Ten year olds don’t want to hang out with their mates mum and be made to carve pumpkins, play a board game and be made to watch a kids move with you and have performative hot chocolate and marshmallows. Seriously, what were you thinking? You’ve really embarrassed your daughter and need to learn to back off and let them play with their friend alone.

You do actually owe your kid an apology and a promise to let her do things her own way with her friend next time.

Oh no you were way too much and far too involved! What you organised sounds lovely and for 5/6 year olds you would definitely be involved but not 10. You are only needed to either set up an activity or provide snacks/drinks etc. maybe veto any movie you think is tin old for them or wouldn’t be sure if their parents would approve. Definitely don’t choose a film and watch with them.

If you daughter hasn’t had or been to a sleepover before then that will be the reason you were like this. Most kids (not all) will have been going to and hosting sleepovers for a number of years.

At 10 they just want to be left alone to chat, watch films/tv shows on their own in their room, eat snacks, stay up late, make videos on their phones etc. at 10 my kids and their friends would still sometimes make up dances and want to show me or create ‘movies’ on their phones then put them on the tv to show me for example!

My youngest (of 3) is 11 (oldest 20 so I’ve been doing sleepovers forever), and she has some friends coming over to sleep on Friday for Halloween and we are doing pumpkin carving but I won’t supervise (in fact we are doing a completion where I’m judging the best without knowing who’s pumpkin it is so I’m not ‘allowed’ to watch or help).

you got too involved. You should have taken the hint.

The girl was a big rude but she is 10 and probs wasn’t sure how to express her annoyance and probably hoped you would get the hint to leave them alone.

I know my DDs wouldn’t be keen to come back to your house if you insisted on being involved the whole time. Who wants a sleepover with their friends mother?

At 10 I think they have been rude. Pumpkins and hot choc were lovely ideas. Depends what board game you choose but essentially that sounds like an appropriate activity. They could choose their own film. My DD is 8 and isn’t keen on trying the twits either.

they were rude though and ungrateful

I suppose they are rude but that kind of organised fun would have been my idea of hell at that age.

All of our sleepovers were basically about hanging out with friends, gossiping, eating junk food and watching films, in the host’s bedroom. We don’t want to mixing with the whole family or to be forced into organised activities.

Yes, but your kid wouldn’t be volunteering to go back for another sleepover at the mad mother’s house, would she?

Oh dear OP - you were hosting a sleepover, not having your own play date 😂

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

DH is right. You shouldn’t have been so involved. I think your poor DD is in for a ribbing when they go back to school and the friend tells everyone how you were ever present. Your DD is in for some embarrassment I’m afraid.
It hits you like a truck when the realisation that your DC are embarrassed by your very presence lands, but that’s just a stage they all go through when striking out for independence.

Just plain rude. You were trying to give them something interesting to do while keeping them out of mischief. They are 10 and need guidance at that age. You need to explain to your daughter that her friend's behaviour was unacceptable. Well done for trying x

9-12 is a funny stage - your daughter might have absolutely loved doing those things if it was just you and her, but with a friend round will have wanted to be more grown up even if that's the kind of thing she'd normally really enjoy. So yeah, you maybe went a bit too much all-in with the activities, and next time you will know to step back, but I think some of these responses are a bit mean: you only wanted them to have a nice time! This is a phase where you're both transitioning, and sometimes it's two steps forward and one back with them maturing!

What do you mean, out of touch? Out of touch with your dd - does she usually like all the things you suggested? Out of touch with what 10 year olds do? Would you have liked all the above at 10 y.o, or would your mother have let you get on with things?

You sound over invested and a bit suffocating, yes. Fine to suggest any of those things, if they didn't express interest then leave them to do whatever. Really weird to choose a film for them rather than letting them choose themselves - does your dd never get to pick what she watches?

Friend was a bit rude but tbh if you haven't mastered social norms at whatever age you are - 30s/40s? then it's a bit much to expect it of a ten year old!

I thought it was a good thing that kids today are encouraged to speak up if they find a situation 'weird' or awkward which she clearly did - at 10 she probably struggles to distinguish between 'friends creepy uncle not leaving me alone' type of uncomfortable and 'friend's overbearing mother not leaving us alone' uncomfortable, and how to react appropriately in those different situations. To an adult those are two very different scenarios, to a kid they only know what is normal to them and what isn't.

I think at this age the most input into what they are doing that I would expect is for them to come and eat dinner at the table. After about age 7/8 they don't need adult-directed activities and will want to do things together rather than with a parent. At 10, they are plenty old enough to go for a walk themselves with an agreement about where they are and when they will be back.

Is there a reason why your daughter hasn't had a sleepover before, @MySef ? Because I think if maybe you had built up to this slowly, these sorts of expectations might have evolved naturally over time.

Having said that, yes they were rude. But they probably didn't know how to say 'can you back off a bit, Mum' in a polite way.

I think your choice of film was too childish for 10 year olds. You were over invested in providing activities for two girls who probably just wanted to chill in your daughter's bedroom, giggle, chat and come up with their own plans. Yes, have activities ready if they asked you for some but let them have some autonomy