Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

OP my dd is 7 and if anything quite young at heart. Even at this age though such a structured playdate would be met with a lot of eye rolling I suspect and 10 is worlds apart from 7. If my dd has friends over I'll generally leave them to it. If they're craving adult guidance I'll provide it but otherwise I leave well alone. I might provide snacks and suggest a particular activity eg a walk in our nearby woods but I wouldn't be butthurt if they declined them. Your's is almost a teen. Not only is it natural for her to want private time with her friends I'd go as far as to say she needs it. She'll be in secondary school soon and will need to be able to hold her own and navigate friendships and hormones. She'll never learn this if you're hovering over her micromanaging her friendships

Aw OP I feel for you. I can see you were trying your best and it has backfired. You sound like a lovely mum. From my experience of sleepovers at that age, you do just want to be left alone. It’s truly nothing personal, it’s just because you want to feel “grown up” and have a bit of autonomy and also pretend that you’re an adult/teenager having a cool sleepover with a friend. What you planned sounded more like a mother/daughter day which is lovely but probably not quite what your daughter or her friend were expecting.

I can’t believe you sat down and watched the movie with them and were controlling what they watched!

10 year olds on sleepovers want to hang out with their friends, not their mum, or their friends Mum!

Leave them alone to watch a movie - make sure the Netflix account has an age limit set and go to another room.

It’s great you had a few activities planned, but this should have been something to pull out your sleeve if they came to you and said they were bored.

On a sleepover/play date from about 8years + you need to be there in the background, keep an eye on them to make sure they are ok, but back right off and let them hang out on their own. They just want a bit of independence with their friends.

Kindly - I think the way you have explained that you didn’t have fun sleepover experiences as a child and that you found boarding unpleasant …….you made this sleepover all about yourself.

This is why kids these days cannot entertain themselves. These 10 year olds,are not in nursery school, I should think your DD was embarrassed.

I don’t think you’re taking the replies on board.
this update literally makes the sleepover all about you, your likes and what you wanted. This was time for dd and her friend, not for mum to get them to do what she likes with her!!

Exactly
This was not your sleepover OP and most certainly not the opportunity for you to play Board games

this must be tough reading OP and I want to say something positive

I have an 11 year old daughter and whijle yes you did get the approach wrong - I think if you can take a SLIGHT step back - your daughter and her friends will then also enjoy your company

My daughter does like it when the other mums chat or laugh with them or show an interest in what they like on a playdate etc (ie. note - 'what THEY like')- they do want you to be there in the background, they do enjoy the odd bit of involvement. I like having a laugh with the children my daughter brings round or I take to the park

by the way - nobody is perfect. One of my kids is so anxious she won't let anyone in our house and I have to take them to cold windy parks to repay the play dates she goes on! but as the years have gone by I've learnt to stand furhter and further away in the park!

From about the end of year 6 on they didn't want me in sight! but they do like me appearing with money for ice cream or driving them somewhere

Please ignore any unkind messages on here… The type that start ‘I can’t believe…’

Your daughter will have more sleepovers and next time you’ll know she’d rather do her own thing - with you in the background, making sure it’s age appropriate.

I’ve got two teen girls and I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way! It’s painful when they start pulling away from you and asserting their independence - but it’s all part of growing up. I know they still need me as much as ever - even if my role has changed.

Your post has made me want to watch the Twits with them! Love an old-fashioned kids’ film, there’s so much awful stuff around.

You just leave them to it, simple.

Yes the friend was very rude. I've got late teen/early 20s dds who often had friends over and yes they might have rolled their eyes if I hadn't got the hint, but they wouldn't have been as rude as that girl was as they were nice kids.

So you’ve seen sleepovers depicted in movies? In these depictions, are the kids sitting playing board games with the host-child’s mother or are they having fun themselves in the host child’s bedroom?

I haven't had time to read all of this but am surprised not to have seen more about the possibly bullying influence of this 'friend'. Yes, you were over involved in activities OP but the whispering was undermining and I'd watch out for this girl's influence in future.

Honestly, the outrage from a couple of posters on another thread that I’d damage my children by not letting them be bored ever. It’s probably one of their kids at your sleepover!

My 10 year old would have loved this. I’d have probably stuck to painting and not carving the pumpkins. I’d have probably left them with the popcorn and hot chocolate. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to go on a walk with mine but it sounds like it’s a bit different for you. This is only clear to me because I have 3 and have hosted many sleepovers. Took me a while to learn.

Either way they sound sassy and rude and no I wouldn’t t have the girl back for a sleepover.

You didnt mess up. The children were rude. My 12 year old dd would have joined in all those things with me along with her friends.
I would be telling DD that was not ok, and delay more sleepovers till shes kinder to you.

The girls probably would have liked the activities if left alone to do them.

It was a play date.
Kids much younger are left to amuse themselves.

@MySef

I know you meant well but you tried to 'Disney' their sleepover - THEIR sleepover- not yours. At 10yrs old, mine would have been mortified at me inserting myself - my role was to provide snacks on request & access to Netflix/WiFi!! 🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure they were that rude as I think at that age they don’t have the language to say “I know you mean well and are trying really hard with this sleepover, but right now I’m feeling a bit micromanaged”

A sleepover is your opportunity to sneak off with a book and snacks while keeping half an eye out that they are not watching Candyman

But it isn’t the movies.
Brace yourself for prom….

After reading your updates I feel quite sad, as it sounds like you rely on your DD for company so you expected to be part of the sleepover but then felt left out. I’ve heard boarding school can be hard and lonely even though you’re surrounded by other kids

I think at 10 years old you were doing everything that my just turned 10 year old would love to do either with just us or her friends
Yesterday we sat and carved pumpkins as a family , she would have been happy if a friend was there doing that with us too, or watching a movie with a pizza and snacks all together
At 10 years old my daughter is absolutely not allowed to wonder the streets alone or with her mates
The children sound rude and id sit down with her and let her know the attitude from them both was not acceptable and plenty of parents dont do nice things with or for their kids. She is ungreatful

You’re treating your daughter and friend as if they’re on a play date. Step back.

OP you sound like a lovely mum.
It's a story as old as time itself, DC battling for independence!
I wouldn't have let mine out for a walk at 10 either, but we do live rurally and it's all country lanes. Maybe it's safer in a town or village.
The pumpkin carving and the Twits, I'd just let that go.

I would have thought country lanes were safer than towns and cities? What dangers are you anticipating?

And of course at 10 yrs old they are within months of secondary school. Children need to learn to navigate their local environment safely well before they go to secondary school.

Probably cars driving like idiots round blind bends with no pavements. Country lanes round here are single track roads, no pavements and locals who drive 60mph whatever the conditions.