Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Just say to her that there will be no more sleepovers if she can't be polite and well mannered.

This does sound a bit over powering. Have a few activities to hand, but leave them to it. Supply food and a bit of supervision but not to actively get involved unless they ask you to. Even my 5yr old likes to get on with things with his friends or else I'm cramping his style 😅 it's good for them to interact without having an adult hovering over them all the time. They just need to know you're there if they need you.

Different families do different things. Dh and i make ourselves scarce. One of dd's friends has a mum who sits with them for a meal then sits in the lounge and watches a film with them. To be fair they all hate going round there.

Aged 10 never had a sleepover before, sounds like she just wanted to hang out with her mate, not her mum. And that is perfectly normal. Things she might enjoy doing with you normally are not the focus when she wants to be 'cool' with a friend.

She is your daughter, not your best mate. I am also a boarding school child with few adult friends, but have avoided the trap of thinking my kids are my friends. I get it, you wanted to give her an amazing time, but save those things for when she hasn't got a friend there. Maybe look at growing your own social circle.

no, i’m afraid not. I’d give them all the
freedom indoors but i would still want to know what film they are watching and then let them
get on with it. The guest was rude and i’d be mortified if my child acted like
that. 10 is still quite young !

Telling us how old she is would be helpful.

It's been mentioned once or twice.

yes @AbbeyGrange nice reply ❤️

You know what's useful? Actually reading all the OP 's posts before you comment.

Sorry but the friend sounds rude and bad influence

I know it completely misses the point but im excited to find out The Twits is a movie!

The op has said, she is ten, so is friend.

So was I so I started to watch 15 minutes in I turned it off. As a lover of the book I just couldn't watch it.

I think it’s lovely you put so much thought into things they could do, but I also think you were over involved when they were at your house. At 10 they are far from grown up, but can’t come to any harm in your daughter’s room. Or picking a movie - you only have to pop your head round the door to check the movie choice, give them popcorn or sweets and leave them to it.
it did seem like you had every minute planned, not really allowing them to just hang out, which is likely what they wanted to do

it sounds like your daughter was influenced by her friend, who was rude so in turn copied her attitude so as not to appear un cool maybe. I’d be speaking to her about the attitude, but I’d also be prepared to hear that they didn’t want you as a 3rd wheel. They can have some age appropriate freedom along side some rules I’m sure.

@MySef They just wanted to hang out together .
They can occupy themselves .
Way over the top even for 8 year olds I’d say.

Your 10 year old isn’t allowed outside on their own? You realise the damage this can do? If not, have a look at the anxiety we pass on to our children.

the tiny tiny risk of letting them outside vs the anxious thoughts we put in their heads, not to mention fitness and social implications… they’re not a house cat.

The high maintenance over the top, anxious mums on this threads are the ones my friends and I tried to get away from…. And they don’t have good relationships with their mums now.

The evening should be about the children, not you.

It sounds like your daughter was being led by the friend. The friend sounds like she doesn't know how to be polite when visiting someone else's house. Yes, they should have time by themselves, but it is also ok to all muck in together too.

My daughter is the same age. I love a sleepover, as I mainly order in pizza and I don't see them until the next day!
Its sounds like you put in a lot of effort, but maybe tried too hard. It also sounds like you made it more about the things you enjoyed rather than your daughter. At 10 their needing us Mums less and becoming more independent, as a parent its our job to encourage that. It was a big event for your daughter having her first sleepover and you should've been led by her (within reason)

I think The Twits was a bit young for 10 year olds. Maybe ask them what they'd like to see (within reason)?

I think you're used to your daughter being pretty compliant - as you needed to be at school, so your idea of a "normal" level of compliance is probably very high - and you were confronted with a less compliant guest.

If you hadn't pushed the pumpkin and the game and the film, the other stuff would probably gone down much better. But they ended up just reacting "no" to everything to get some space. If you retreat and leave them alone while they eat pizza, watch a film, whisper endlessly in corners you may find they are more polite and appreciative of hot chocolate or pancakes.

Virtually every child thinks their mum is embarrassing at some point. We've all either been there, or will be one day. You'll move past this.

Oh OP. I do feel for you as it seems you have done your best to give them a really good time.
But your posts come across as though you were also part of the sleepover? I.e your daughters mate rather than her mum?
Is she your oldest child?
Hiding away in the bedroom with a friend is absolutely normal for a 10
year old girl, for at least some of the evening! They want to chat and find something to do / listen to music maybe and hang out together- without you!
A film is great if they want with pop corn but it has to be their choice - age appropriate of course so any PG films or series.
At 10, my daughter would have made all the snacks and drinks for her and her friend so chosen what they wanted from the cupboard and I would have stayed out of it as much as I could.
They want to look grown up- not that mummy is doing everything for them.
OP you are at the start of a long journey through the teen years of letting go. This is just the start of the first tug away from you. You have to go with it as hard as it is.

My DD had a friend for a sleepover last night too, I made pizza and brought it into her room,after that I didn't hear or see them at all, only to ask if they need something when I brought them a desert after that. I went in to tell them I'm going to sleep and they should be quiet, leaving them to do whatever they were drawing or writing or gossiping.. And in the morning same thing, called them for breakfast and let them do whatever they want. They did eventually get down and watched the Twitts willingly and I was sitting there for a while and then left to do my stuff.. my point is, they don't need activities in that age, they know how to entertain themselves and it is actually great for you too because you can have some time for yourself!

This is really, really weird. It’s not your friend, or your sleepover. Why should they play a game with you when they don’t like board games, or watch a film you want to watch? Do you not have any friends your own age?

OP I think your update actually makes it worse. It’s more understandable if you just haven’t accepted she’s grown up and were trying to make sure she had a nice night but it’s sounding more and more like you were using this sleepover to socialise and you are trying to involve yourself in your DDs friendship groups as one of her peers!

The fact you wanted to do activities and wanted some company so expected your ten year old and her friend to hang out with you is bizarre. It’s all about what you’d been looking forward to, how you wanted to spend the time and the offence you’ve taken at being rejected socially.

On one hand you seem receptive to feedback but also haven’t really acknowledged what everyone has said. I think people have been quite gentle but actually this could cause her friends not to want to come around again.

If this was a dad posting everyone would describe it as creepy. I assume your own childhood issues and lack of friends is affecting this and would propose that finding your own friends would help massively.