Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

I would speak to DD after it but tbh I don’t think she was rude really. You could see that they wanted a bit of space and time together and kept going on and on with your pre planned activities (that DD had already warned that she didn’t want to do??). I don’t meant to be unkind but you come off as the ‘wrong’ one here although your intentions were of course good!
Shes 10- they feel grown up but are clearly children. Give them space and autonomy (let them pick from an appropriate selection of films rather than saying we are watching X and sitting down with them!)

Op, you’re still not seeing it. Can you see how the evening was about whay you wanted to do. You wanted to watch that movie. You wanted to play a board game. As you love them, The kids were doing something sociable. They were having a sleep over. Together, the two of them.

im sorry you’ve no friends and went to boarding schools but you simply cannot try to take over your child’s friendships and make them about you having a social evening. You’re an adult not a child, not their friend joining in.

it feels like you got excited about this child coming over and planned a whole evening you wished. You even tried to go a walk with them. Knowing how you’d ruined the evening before for your child. You knew they were fed up and didn’t want it, and you forced it through as it’s what you wanted. You could have watched the movie any other time. You simply cannot plan your daughters evening with her friends to be about what you want to do and force yourself into their friendship.

please try to do something to make friends, adult friends, go to groups, volunteer, maybe get a job if you don’t work. And please apologise to your child. You’ve not said you did that.

I do feel sorry for you that you stooped to this, I understand you must be very lonely, but you do owe your daughter an apology.

Parenting is hard work. When you stuff up...apologise, learn from it and move on. There's no such thing as a perfect parent...or child for that matter.

Did you not read all the OP's posts? I think she IS seeing it now, and she sounds lovely.

OP, I foresee a lovely evening ahead for you where you sit down with DD, apologise to her and ask her how she would like her dream sleepover to be, and what she'd like you to provide in the way of snacks etc, and how to interrupt them when you take these snacks (probably up) to them. And - more difficult but try to be open minded about silly age restrictions - to agree a list of suitable films for the next 6m or so.

You were looking forward to watching The Twits with them??
Your daughter didnt want to do board games, but you like them and thought it would be a good opportunity to play some??

Im sorry, but you should have got your own friends over for your fantasy sleepover, because most kids want to act like theyre more grown up in front of their mates and you definitely dont helicopter parent them like that when theyve got friends over.

I don't agree that the friend was rude. She was apparently feeling unhappy and possibly uncomfortable about being expected to share each activity with you, when she wanted to spend time with your DD.

She couldn't say anything privately to your DD, as they were rarely alone, so she had to whisper to her. I don't subscribe to the opinion that all whispering between two young children is rude. She couldn't speak to you directly about it, but obviously wanted to change things so they could have more fun together. I don't that's inherently wrong or rude.

My DD is 10. She has only had two sleepovers so far, but it was playing in the garden, playing in DD room, a shared meal, then they were allowed pudding and a few sweets etc watching a film. I made sure there were art materials, cookie-making things, a few other craft options if they wanted them, but otherwise, I left them to just hang out and do their own thing.

You sound lovely, OP. This is just another one of parenting's nine million learning curves.

Just plain rude. You were trying to give them something interesting to do while keeping them out of mischief. They are 10 and need guidance at that age. You need to explain to your daughter that her friend's behaviour was unacceptable. Well done for trying x

Good god… leave her be! She had a friend over… neither of them want to hang out with you!

Are you 10 too OP? I'm cringing for you.

Yep, some of the posts on here are uncalled for and they've clearly not read all of OPs posts that much is obvious, I hope you're ok OP? Onwards and upwards!

You sound like a great mum and it is kind you put so much thought in but speaking from my own experience as a kid the fun of a sleepover is gossiping through the night and listening to music together in your room, not hanging out with your parents. Totally normal they wanted space to hang out just them and not just do pre-planned activities.

Spot on. Why they are ever called sleepovers is beyond me... there is rarely much sleep involved! Lots of time spent giggling and sharing stories. Time well spent.

Did you have sleepovers as a child? I'm wondering if you didn't because you seemed to have planned everything that you wanted to do or thought would happen at a sleepover.

when we had sleepovers as children, parents left us to it. Nothing was preplanned by parents other than getting the video in (Dirty Dancing and Top Gun being our favourites) because it was in the days you had to rent videos.

So..... you made your daughter's sleepover about you. You wanted to carve pumpins. You wanted people to play board games with; you wanted to watch a particular movie; you wanted them hang out with you.

Your daughter has waited until she's 10, presumably in Year 6 so less than a year away of secondary school, to get to have a friend round for the night ... and you dictated the event and worked hard to make her look like a baby in front of a friend. Are you actively trying to destroy her social cred at school?

What you did absolutely wasn't cool and you should have left them to it.

I don't believe anyone said you did it out of malice OP. Just learn for next time. 😊

Im sorry op for your tough chikdhood. I didnt go to boarding school but i didnt have many friends growing up or even now. I love board games i would have been right there with you!
You are a good mum. Don't forget it.

My daughter is 11 and would have loved all that you put on for your daughter and her friend, maybe the friend is a bit more ‘grown up’ or not used to mum interaction - I know one of my daughters friends that sits on her iPhone/pad the entire time she’s at anyone’s house and would have been incapable of any of these activities x but the other would have been happy to x

You did what you thought was right, but let your dd lead next time.
I never had a sleepover either when younger and would have done the same as you.
We live and learn.

I just used to throw a couple of bags of haribo, some pop and Pringles in the room and leave them to it! 🤭

They would have been really looking forward to having a sleepover and then be annoyed and frustrated that it wasn’t the fun hang out that they anticipated. Lots of people act up when they are frustrated and get extra annoyed and non annoying things like hot chocolate. I’m a huge board game geek but I wouldn’t have wanted to play one with my friends mum on a sleepover - I would have wanted to hang out with my mate and laugh. They were rude - but I think they were just frustrated, embarrassed and feeling awkward.

Ten. Miserable 😩 grumpy girls. Have a nice drink and leave them to it. If you have been doing kind parenting stop. It’s producing spoilt brats x

You love your daughter and by those rules you did the right thing.

I wouldn’t allow that whispering troublemaker back over - but I’d be careful how you word that to your daughter. Sometimes kids rebel against rules like that and go behind their parents’ backs to hang out with forbidden kids.
I did. And you know what? My mum was wrong.
But my mum is gone now and it makes no difference.
Your daughter will learn soon enough whether that little girl is good or bad all on her own.

Sending love from afar to a very good mum ❤️

Be realistic. Thats a preteen. The kid just wanted to hang out with their friend, without mom constantly hovering.

i would have these activities ready for my 10 year old - she did pumpkin carving at a recent sleepover, but I would leave the room or be busy nearby. The friend sounds super rude and controlling though. My 12 year old would have been mortified (although would organise all of those activities herself for her friends).

People are being unnecessarily rude to the OP. When children are at school, they actually have very little time to play and interact with their friends. Probably 15 minutes at playtime (less if eating a snack). Half an hour at lunch time to play (after eating lunch). How exciting is it therefore to have hours to talk/ play/ make things with your friend without any time restrictions, demands and possibly no one else to interfere in their game. Think- how often does that happen? Sleepovers are precious extra time to play with friends and chill. They don't want demands on their time. A few sweets maybe and that is about it!