Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Being a great mum includes being thoughtful which this lady is!

at that age I would have cooked meals and offered things like hot chocolate, but I wouldn’t have been actively involved in what they were doing unless they asked me to be. Kids need time to do things themselves and don’t need constant timetabled structured activities with a parent.

you sounded a bit much for kids who must be in their last year of primary. They probably wanted a chance to gossip/make videos/try on outfits etc rather than playing board games with a parent.

They are way too old to want to spend much time with you during a sleepover and the activities sound very young for them. They just want to talk - and providing nice food for them is a lovely thought but it should be done unobtrusively where possible. I actually think the pancake breakfast was the most sensible suggestion but by that time your kicked them into whiny pre teen mode. Of course, it’s still true that a 10 year old with better manners than this guest would have hidden that much better.

😂 😂 😂 sounds like you were really looking forward to your sleepover with your 10 year old friend.

I suspect that your daughter did perhaps want to do the pumpkin carving, drink hot chocolate with marshmallows but it probably became obvious to her that these, as far as her friend was concerned isn't cool. If your daughter is usually a polite child, and her rudeness is out of character, then I'd imagine, she didn't want to appear 'uncool' in front of her friend. You also seemed to want to do everything with them, and again, clearly your daughter's friend wasn't impressed, so your daughter ended up feeling embarrassed. To make it clear to her friend, she was of the same opinion, she was rude to you, to make it obvious to you that they wanted to be on their own. You were way too invested. By all means have a few ideas, and pitch them to both girls, but if they aren't keen, don't force the issue. Your daughter will likely be happy to watch The Twits - with you but it's probably not 'cool' enough to watch with her friends! You need to speak to your daughter regarding her rudeness, but equally you need to tell her that you now realise you were too involved. Yes, her friend was rude, she was a guest in your home, and at that age she shouldn't have been openly showing her dislike of anything on offer. A polite decline, but huffing/puffing etc is rude.

With respect, you need to get used to not being the centre of attention and give space to your daughter or else you may end up with a raging teen.

Ah bless you OP, don't worry about it, we sometimes get things wide of the mark, no real harm done, ignore the posters who love to stick the boot in....

You got it wrong and you can see that now. I wonder why your daughter had to wait till she was 10 for a sleepover. Make sure the next one is within the next couple of weeks.

Because her mom was a helicopter, and overly involved. Poor kid will never WANT to host another sleepover! I don't anticipate any other kids WANTING to sleep over, once this gets out at school.

Oh give over, dramatic much?

I think you sound so lovely, and a fabulous mum. Your daughter probably really wanted to do all the things with you...sometimes friends can be really big influences.

Those are mean girls to not let you enjoy your sleepover!

So many nasty comments to the OP who obviously went out of her way to try to give the girls an enjoyable time. Okay maybe she didn’t get it quite right but the nastiness on here, especially after the OP has explained about her own childhood is really so unkind.
I think some posters must forget that behind every post is a human being trying especially so in this case to do their best for their children.
OP please don’t be downhearted, just take some of the sensible advice onboard, I’m sure next time will be a big success.

i had to “read and run” earlier - so interested to catch up on so many replies! OP - you obviously really tried your best. I would say that, at 10, you maybe overstepped a bit; by that age, they like to be left to chat and get on with it. But that child was a guest in your house and was very, very rude. I don’t take kindly to that and am not as generous as others, so she wouldn’t be a child I’d want to have back. And I’d be reinforcing the point to my own DD that I wouldn’t expect her to behave that way when a guest (or, indeed, at home).

I don't know that she did. It sounds like she didn't give the girls an enjoyable time she created a strange situation because she wanted to enjoy their enjoyable time herself. She's learned the hard way from the girls' reaction but doesn't trust they are right. She's asked mumsnet and needs validation? She already validates her own feelings. Ask her daughter.

OP I hope you’ve realised from these replies that you have to apologise to your daughter for sulking in a mood and for making her sleepover with her friend all about yourself.

OP factored herself and what she would like to do with the girls into the activities far too much. It was doomed from the start. Now, I’m sure it came form a good place of the OP just wanting to try her best to make the sleepover nice, but she was far too invested and that’s why she is now upset.

honestly OP if future I wouldn’t try and do the activities with them unless they ask you to. Just provide food, drink and the tools for them to do things themselves. It’ll honestly work out better for all involved.

Your style of plan will be useful if you're ever entertaining a child who is more acquaintances than friends with your child, where it's more a favour to the other parents and/or there's a significant age gap.

It's also useful to have some back up activities for if there's a falling out or poor behaviour of the sort that means they need a bit more supervision, rather than so bad you're sending the other child home.

And possibly helpful to have jobs / activities in mind that can be used as threats if the children are keeping you awake overnight for no good reason.

Can't believe I got this far into the thread before someone asked about the DH!

He's said that you're out of touch so why on Earth didn't he step in sooner?

Do you not talk, or is he not involved with child related stuff?

I know lol
‘The good old days’ lol!!!

Me and my sisters are in full blown texting mode now about life back in the village
before we moved to the dizzying heights of an East Anglian town lol where some mums could drive, didn’t drop fag ash over everything and even helped out in the school???

Also kids ate something called ‘petit suisse yogurt’ and at a party you had ‘egg mayo’ sandwiches and celery cut up with a stripe of primula cheese spread running though the middle!

More sophistication than we knew what to do with!!!

Oh bless you. You tried very hard and are clearly a lovely mum.
The beauty of a sleepover at your daughter’s age is letting them entertain themselves whilst you put your feet up with the TV on in peace.
My children would have reacted similarly at 10 to your daughter.

A planned family board game is a bit much. Did you join them watching the movie too?

My daughter is 12 and although I’d planned some activities for sleepovers at ours over the years, I can’t think of any where I deliberately stayed in the room overseeing them! I’d pop in from time to time, but not infiltrate myself into them 😬

Depends on the age.

If you love board games why didn't you play with your husband whilst your daughter and her friend did their own thing?

also, sleepovers aren't about being sociable with the friend's parents. They are ALL about 'hiding away' in the bedroom; with the kids being sociable with EACH OTHER!

oh dear OP, your heart is in the right place but this really isn't what a sleepover is about.

She didn’t go out of her way to give the girls an enjoyable time - she went out of her way to give herself and the girls an enjoyable time. What child of 10 wants to have a sleepover with their friend and mother? OP included herself and her preferences in every single activity. She picked the movie she was excited to watch (“and DD knew how excited I was to watch it”) and board games she wanted to play, because she “never gets to play board games.”

Kindly, I think OP needs to get a friend and have a sleepover with them herself. Much better than living vicariously through her daughter, or trying to be one of her DD’s besties and adjoining herself to every one of her DD’s activities.