Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Yes I agree with @Jackdog39 OP.
you sound lovely and it’s hard to know where to pitch but at 10 I’d definitely let them hang out on their own. It’s nice to have some nice snacks or put a movie on for them but that’s about it.

Im afraid there’s a good chance this will happen more and more over the next 5 years or so as she finds her own friends and recalibrates your relationship. It’s just what happens :0( . However it will come back and you will hang out again @MySef Maybe use the time to watch and read stuff for you now x

Baker day 🤣 brilliant
so funny that we could dress up in Mums sexy clothes, when I had cause to wear sexy garments they’d be well out of reach of my kids but … ‘different times’

‘bloody Baker Day, just an excuse for teachers to go out and get pissed while parents have to mind the kids , stick the garter on the baby’s head and pop him in the wheelbarrow, that’ll keep em quiet till lunchtime’

I think everything was fine and sounds lovely apart from the board game and you choosing the film. I would have let them choose the film within reason and generally let them do their own thing but still offered the pancakes and hot chocolate which I think most 10 year olds like! I think the mistake you made is trying to do everything with them - sorry.

I bet your DD still loves doing those things when it is just you two but wanted to look grown up in front of her friend and spend time with her friend without too much input

Your plans were entirely appropriate for 6-7 year olds having a sleep over . Aged 10, not so much. Just leave them to do their own thing at that age.

It's great that you had ideas for them Op but perhaps odd that you tried to force the ideas when it was obvious that they didn't want to?

I'm not sure that it's necessarily about being out of touch, more misreading/ignoring cues.

Also making it into such a big deal.

Where was your husband in all of this?

If he was there, why didn't he step in?

Oh god yes! A break from the misery and brutality lol!!

As were snowed in days (I lived in rural
Wiltshire ) so we were used to traipsing about in all weathers and digging out snow from the front door , but the odd one was magical!

My mum used to call her dinner lady friend in chewing on a fag in angry anticipation around 7.30am and was absolutely catatonic seeething, shouting at my dad like it was his fault , to have to have us at home off school all day - weekends and holidays were bad enough for her lol!

They were glorious!
marathon watching and rewinding of - Death on the Nile’ ‘Jaws’ and ‘fatal
attraction’ while eating while bread and marg and sugar/ penguins/ tinned macaroni cheese and pretending to smoke her dog ends while she resentfully pissed off for the day to the neighbours house!

My kids are 1 & 3 but even the 3 year old already likes some I independence when her friends are over and acts differently. 10 is not far from secondary and teenage years yet you’re treating her like a very young child. Moreover why should she want to play games with you or watch your choice of film! She’s the child let her choose.

Well, they were rude, but I am cringing at the stuff you wanted 10 year olds to do. We used to stay up til midnight watching horror films at that age, not drink hot chocolate with mummy.

Oh, OP. You meant well, but they needed a bit of space. Also, the friend was rude.

You are very controlling and need to take a back step. If you continue you will lose everything/everyone you have that now loves you.

Oh yes the Palpable and visceral hatred of teachers the second they striked or a had snow day- never mind the 13 week bloody holidays - the skivers- where my mum and all of her SAH friends actually had to look after us
well I say look after us loosely lol…

I just texted my sisters about ‘wheelbarrow gate’ - she can’t remember ( as was too
young - I mean honestly the mind boggles!)

The other one did just remind me of my nans old beige girdle with suspenders also being in the dressing up basket of shame - which she once put in for fancy dress day in school. With some fishnet stockings, a long cigarette holder and some white wedding sling backs of my mums as a ‘St Trinians girl???
She reckons she was about 9!!!
Christ in a bike lol
God knows how we all turned out relatively normal!

You're out of touch and should have left them to it.

Aww bless you OP. You’ve tried to give them a lovely day/night and it’s been thrown back in your face

Awh I think it’s sweet you went to a lot of effort for your daughter’s first sleepover, to be honest I think 10 is still quite young? I was playing with Barbie’s at that age 🤣, Maybe have a conversation with your DD about how she would like it to go next time? But tell her rudeness will not be tolerated.

I certainly wouldn’t have been allowed to watch horror movies and stay up till midnight at that age like other posters, certainly wouldn’t let my 10 year old do so either 🤣 I’d imagine if you hadn’t planned anything/left them to their own devices the whole time they’d be whinging that it was boring

Your poor child, she must have been mortified!

My daughter is 10 too and when she has friends round they say hello then disappear, only to pop up for food and drinks! They would watch a film together of their choosing in her room and certainly not expect to sit and play board games with me. The Twits is for little kids. Sure, a 10yr old might enjoy it if they watch it but putting it on for them is just really embarrassing and babyish.

If I know the child reallllly well that’s a bit different but otherwise why would they want to hang with a mum/ stranger.

None of her friends have ever been remotely rude to me, but then I’ve never tried to make someone else’s kids hang with me of an evening!

You meant well and they were a bit rude but you did try to micromanage the sleepover and wanted to impose the activities you wanted to do on them.
They are 10. They don't want to be playing games and watching films and going for a walk with an adult.
I can still remember sleepovers from when I was 10 and we were left to our own devices pretty much. Snacks in the fridge. Couple of videos borrowed from the video shop to watch if we wanted. And that was it. We made our own entertainment gossiping and laughing and whatever nonsense.

The joy of your children having friends round is that you can leave them alone to entertain each other! I am always baffled by parents who do schedules of activities with their children’s friends.

You’ve really taken the flak in the chin, mine included. Hats off to you.

You are clearly a lovely mum who is feeling their way without having any model to guide you.

I’d forgive the guest her rudeness, rude though she was, and let your DD know that next time you’ll largely leave them to it.

she was rude for any age. also, my 10 year old wouldn’t be going out without an adult. BUT perhaps leave them to themselves a bit more at home

Really? They’ll be off to senior school next year and you wouldn’t allow them a short walk?

My child is a similar age, I probably would have bought pumpkins and had some sort of plan for a first sleepover. I think where you went wrong is that you made it very structured and you need to let the child take the lead.

I think you had great intentions and it was thoughtful to plan activities, the mistake was thinking you were needed or wanted to join in with the activities. Pumpkin carving is not everyones idea of fun so that I would have suggested then left it if they didn't want to.
Board games, that's up to them to play something together not with a parent supervising the fun.
Same with the food, movie choice etc - they should be able to pick something (age appropriate) and be left to it.
It's really not 'hiding' away in a bedroom when you have a friend over, its called hanging out in privacy.

I’m roaring at this 🤣🤣🤣
Fishnets and st trinians 🤣🙈
Christ on a bike😭

my mum had a cigarette holder, I thought it the HEIGHT of sophistication

My child is autistic and often blunt to the point of rudeness, especially when younger and we didn’t realise autism was the thing, I was often embarrassed around guests or when out and about

That's actually so sweet. The key thing I've learnt as a parent is that you are incredibly embarrassing. Your mere presence in this earth is excruciating for your kids. Playdates and sleepovers. Throw food at them and keep the hell away. And if you are giving them and their friends a lift anyway stick capital in the car radio and don't dare speak to their friends 🤣