Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

It sounds as though your DD was influenced by the friend in the way the huffing and sighing and babyish comments were being made. I feel it is a little disrespectful but clearly I am too out of touch because majority say to leave them to it and make yourself scarce.

I remember sleepovers just being in a bedroom or living room depending on the number of guests, and just lazing about. I think on one of them when I was similar age to your DD, we watched ‘Clueless’ (showing my age here lol). I wonder if that’s now too tame.

So what ? It’s not the crime of the century and I was just telling the OP not to dwell on it. The friend was rude, maybe up your standards with regards to manners.

I guess you were hoping to give DD the kind of evening that boarding school didn't provide - special treats and lots attention from one adult. She will realise at some level that you meant it lovingly but missed the mark.

I think her friend was very rude and bad mannered.

I wouldn’t allow whispering, and would have told her it’s not allowed in your house (obviously in a nice child friendly way).

Can you encourage your DD to be friends with someone who isn’t so rude?

Your explanation about your childhood made me feel so sad. You sound like a wonderful, engaged mum who just wanted her daughter and her friend to have a fun, memorable evening. I bet they still had an enormous amount of fun — and now you know to hang back a little next time.
Sometimes children just enjoy hanging around, doing not much, and making their own fun.
My friend and I used to pretend we were the girls from The Human League and sing into our hairbrushes along to tapes in my bedroom. We didn’t want my mum to see, so I do understand both sides here.
You sound like a lovely mum who tried hard for her daughter. We all get a bit wrong sometimes — I’ve had weepy homesick children staying over, and boisterous, giddy ones who’ve even managed to smash a window! We figure it out in the end. Don’t stress about it.

Considering the girl had been invited for a sleepover with her ten year old friend, it wasn’t unreasonable of her to ask “do we have to do everything with your mum?”. It must have been more than a bit confusing.

The invitation was to spend time with the DD not go and provide entertainment for her friend's DM by playing all the DM’s favourite games.

I can see both sides; as in they were definitely rude, but you were a bit overbearing and a little overwhelming and intense possibly.
Your DD's friend needs to learn some manners.

I can still remember the pain of the burning all over my head and on the skin peeling away all around the edges of my forehead and back of ears lol- all thorough a cloud of Rothmans fags and my mum and the hairdresser (allegedly) ignoring my
protests, chatting about a new thing they’d heard about called ‘calllenetics’ lol

I wanted Molly Ringwold but got Gene Wilder
-on a bad day!

Hahah pin money 🤣🤣🤣🤣
totally forgot about this too! brilliant!

i don’t remember who we used to pretend to be but I know it often involved adults shiny nylon nighties and negligees

@MySef your update was touching. It can be quite intense for only children. Bless you for thinking you would get to share this experience with your daughter.
Had she been five years younger your plan would have been perfect, but an hour for a board game with mum?
all they want to do is go off together and talk about stuff kids want to talk about .
the things you planned will be lovely things to do with your girl, perhaps you can do them and talk about how to do it differently next time.
she can choose the food, the activity, if any, the film, and you can facilitate by providing the food and then keep well out of the way.
kids have a way of letting us know when they need us and our job is to prepare them to fly the nest one day.
respecting their need for independence and autonomy is so important for this tween stage and beyond although it can be bittersweet for us parents

My mum would’ve done - and did!!!! - do this when I was older than 18 tbh !!!

but this may be the topic of a different thread completely!!

Gosh, no wonder some mums are so wrung out if this level of involvement is supposedly required 😮

I've not seen the film of The Twits, but the book is aimed at a fairly young age group - younger than ten. (I've known older children to read it, but they all had reading difficulties.)

Why on earth would you want to carve pumpkins, play board games and watch a kids movie with your child when they have a guest??

Your DD was hosting her friend. It was time for them to be together, not with you. The friend was there to spend time and have fun with your DD, not you.

Goodness gracious.

It isn't the crime of the century but it also isn't the crime of the century to be 10 years old and want to spend time with your friend at a sleepover, not your friends mum.

I'm not sure why you seem to have more expectations here for a 10 year old than OP who is an adult.

Are they 19?

“Jackdog39 · Today 18:33

Your explanation about your childhood made me feel so sad. You sound like a wonderful, engaged mum who just wanted her daughter and her friend to have a fun, memorable evening. I bet they still had an enormous amount of fun — and now you know to hang back a little next time. Sometimes children just enjoy hanging around, doing not much, and making their own fun.”

This with bells on. Your actions were well meant but 10 year olds will generally want to socialise separately from their parents. It’s not really reasonable to expect your DD’s sleepover to involve you to the extent you had in mind (board game + film). Tweens are so much at that age of wanting to be independent and no doubt feeling they can be but the world doesn’t let them be as independent as they want to be. But you meant well.

God yes the ‘sexy negligees’ that found their way into the dressing up
basket - forgot about that! can you imagine that now!

I remember putting one of my younger twin sisters in a red one of my mums and a black ‘garter’ around her head pushing her around the village in a wheelbarrow when I was babysitting with my older neighbour when we were both of school on a baker day ??
Random!!
God knows where the other one (her twin) was…?

Come on gang !
give the poor woman a break she gets it !!

I just read all of your replies OP! I feel for you, you sound so lovely

OP, you misjudged it, but the fact you wanted them to have a good time and had planned these things for them show your heart was absolutely in the right place.

I hope in time your daughter will realise that her mum was only trying to give her and her friend a lovely time.

I think we all have that secret longing to relive the bits of childhood we missed out on.

My DD very considerately got onto her primary school netball team and
Ms LasttobePicked got to see her reach the County Finals with her team!

But my longing to share all my favourite childhood reads with her didn't work at all, except for Malory Towers.

It sounds like you organised a really fun night and something your dd would probably enjoy but she wanted to do things with just her friend this time.

Next time just buy some snacks and suggest some activities but leave them to it with regular check ins.

You clearly enjoy organising activities and have lots of nice ideas, have you thought about volunteering with girlguiding or scouting? They are desperate for adult volunteers.
One of my reasons for volunteering is my dc is grown up now but I still enjoy doing activities with younger age group. Playing board games, hot chocolate bar, crafts, trips out etc.

I initially typed Baker day and then changed it to inset thinking no one would know what it was. They were such a bonus day off to us at secondary school.

Ahh OP I think it’s lovely that you wanted to do things with your DD - I would have taken the first sign of huffing as a hint though. By the sounds of it your DD also wanted to do things with you but was stuck in a hard position of appearing really uncool to her friend. Please don’t take it personally.