Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

So were you actually spending time with the 10-year-old girls during the sleepover, i.e. watching the film and playing the board game with them?! 😳 Your poor DD. Just leave them alone. That's totally weird.

I do agree that you need to apologise and say what you said here ?

It's a big person who accepts their mistake so wholeheartedly. This update explains it better, so clearly not out of malice.

Do you and your daughter have the kind of relationship where you can both talk openly? If so then it would be helpful to sit and go through it with her, see what she thinks was wrong at the sleepover - whether you haven't really listened to what she actually wanted and got carried away with your own ideas or whether her friend just had different expectations and your daughter was desperate to fit in with her. You can work on that to do better in the future. Do listen to her though, really listen even if it's not stuff you want or expect to hear - if they're willing to talk at this age you have a good opportunity to keep a close relationship in the difficult teen years. Let the distance grow now and you might never recover from it (I speak from experience).

It's been a bit brutal but this kind of situation is exactly what Mumsnet is for - it can be hard to learn about many aspects of parenting except by making mistakes but there is such a lot of useful experience and advice available here. Sometimes hidden under a bitchy tone but still...

I wonder if the friend who came over was the youngest of her family and your DD is either an only child/oldest. I think this sometimes throws things out at this age.

Don't worry about it too much though.

I know right - hilarious !

Also lol- tennis balls / socks in the bra bit and a towel wrapped around out head like a turban - alexis style - or hanging down pretending it was long hair ( as all had shit, short hair cuts with
wonky flicks /frizzy perms - perpetrated by my mums chain smoking friend ‘aunty’ Janet who was a hairdresser for 18 months ‘before she had kids, but (sadly for us) ‘kept her hand in’

couldn't write it now lol x

Yes but now you have learned a tough lesson, this is their time, not yours to relive your childhood.

It's obvious you meant well, but it wasn't what a couple of 10 year old girls would expect from a sleepover.

Your description did make it sound like it was a sleepover for the 3 of you though! You wanted to watch that particular film etc. Now your DD is starting the process of getting more 'grown up' and independent, maybe it's time for you to focus a little more on yourself and building up friendships and more of a life outside the home/work. I think that's important for you, but also for your DD.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful mum. You just misjudged this one. No big deal!

You say you don’t have any friends - my mum didn’t really have friends when I was growing up, and I think it made her a bit too intense as a mum at times. She’s got loads of friends now in retirement, so it’s never too late but you don’t need to wait until retirement! Your daughter is spreading her wings, maybe it’s a good time for you to give it a go too. Good luck xx

Oh, don't worry MySef, we all get things "wrong" some times with our children. And your explanation just made me feel very sad for your childhood and for you not having any friends now. Is there any reason and could you try to find ways to make friends? Hobbies/volonteering? Because it's so painfully obvious that you need friends and therefore saw your DDs friend as yours as well.

I always planned activities for DS sleepovers but with the difference that I proposed them, I never imposed them. And I had them eating by themselves outside or in the dining room and made myself scarce when they were 10+. I am actually quite relieved not having to play non-stop with ds and his friends which I did when they were younger (most friends loved having a grown up available for board games etc)

This actually makes sense. If you spent your childhood in boarding school, you didn't have much time for interaction with your parents so you are trying your best and you sound like a lovely mum who is doing more than your child expects, haha. It sounds like you love her a lot and you were just trying to help them have fun, although they don't always need us.

You didn’t mess up at all. Your daughter’s friend is rude. None of my daughter’s friends would act like this and she is the same age. Don’t dwell on it.

Your daughter has had playdates before though?

Everyone gets things wrong sometimes. However and I am really not saying this to be spiteful, I would really urge trying to find your own friendships now. It is not
too late.

We used to be Charlie’s Angels. Lots of bursting into rooms with ‘guns’.

‘Kept her hand in’ 🤣 brilliant, never hear phrases like this anymore

I disagree. Ten year old children are perfectly capable of knowing how to behave at someone else’s home. I have a grandchild that age and she would never be so rude. She’s been brought up well.

Agreed. You sound like a wonderful mum, please don’t feel bad.

Expecting them to play board games with OP because that's what she wanted to do and watching the film that she was looking forward to like she was a 3rd friend in the sleepover and not a parent is absolutely messing up and it's good that OP has acknowledged that.

Don't worry. We all get it wrong from time to time. Letting them grow up whilst you begin to step back gradually is very hard.

I know we've all been quite critical on this thread, but you sound like a lovely mum really. Speak to DD about what she feels and how she wants these occasions to go. It should be possible to meet in the middle somewhere.

For a ‘bit of pin money’ lol

I’d give your dc a hug and say what your last update is. Good lesson that mums get things wrong too. No harm done and you wanted her to have a nice time.

It sounds like you meant well, and tried to create a lovely evening for your daughter based on what you would have liked. But our kids don’t always want what we want, and maybe lowering your expectations might lead to less pain in the future. I remember planning what I thought was an amazing sleep over for my DS on his 8th birthday. Actually they didn’t want to do any of the things I had planned - they just made up their own game, and spent the evening marauding round the house! They had a brilliant time, and I ended up leaving them to it and just being there when needed. Good luck for next time!

This is hilarious 😁

You did your best, OP. On this occasion, you didn't judge it quite right. It's ok, you'll know better for next time.

Laughing so hard at this. I had short hair then a dodgy perm.