Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Its that awkward stage of not long till secondary school and with the added mix of social media and tv Kids grow up so fast .
Did you ask what they wanted to do?
My kids hate board games after about 20 minutes.

It all sounded really nice . But probably more so for just you and your dd.
The dynamic changes when they have friends around. They want to gossip and laugh at daft stuff .
I do miss when all of mine were under 10 and wanted to do lots of planned activities. Although at the time I bet I was exhausted.

I think what you suggested would be ok if they were 8. But at 10 should have given them a bit more opportunity to decide what they want to do. Forcing board game time is not a good idea if you ever want them to play board games again!

I used to hate the lingering ones
The ones where they live close and are able to walk home but don’t have a time to be home, and their families didn’t do the lunchtime time thing so be back at 11 etc.
As invariably it was always one that ‘didn’t eat lamb’ or vegetables or anything ‘wet’ and ‘weird’ with ‘bits in’ (stew and dumplings/ tagine etc)
Queue DD getting anxious about them both having something different from the freezer shit drawer which after the previous night of anything goes junk food wise use to irk DH.
I remember DD even asking me ‘not to go
on about’ the bread and butter pudding id made once as it sounded ‘ weird’ and begged her dad to go and get Cornettos instead.
The embarrassment of tweens and teens should never be underestimated.

Clearly I got this wrong. I spent my childhood at boarding school and no I didn’t have any friends. Nor do I now. I messed up but it wasn’t out of malice.

It absolutely wasn’t duck xx
but know for next time eh xx
blinking hard isn’t it getting it right x

They were rude but you were way too OTT and a few of those things you listed were things you wanted to do! Your DD may well have been embarrassed! I'd speak to her gently about not appreciating the huffiness but also listen to what she has to say.

I tend to ask mine what she might fancy doing, eating etc. but it wouldn't be set in stone that's what they'd do and let them play it by ear. I also keep things up my sleeve for if they ask me for something to do, but I don't get involved unless they ask me.

I don't think anyone has said otherwise. You clearly planned a lot of lovely ideas, and for a younger child where more supervision is required then this would be great.

Is it just the two of you?
Have you looked at hobbies in your area? Try the library or community centres, and see if there is a games cafe somewhere local too. Maybe finding something for yourself would benefit you both.

We all get it wrong at times, your intentions were good. Live and learn, don't take it to heart.

Have you never ever had a sleepover?? The normal thing to do is get them some snacks and some little activities like friendship bracelet kits and just leave them to it. The next sleepover will go better I’m sure. It’s a learning curve.

Not but neither was it for your DD and her friend

it is hard them growing up is hard!

I replied after reading op 3rd post and not rest of Thread

I have now and all replies are the same as mine

It's ok. Take it as a positive that DD is not reliving that experience and is making her own friendships. And it's a sign that you should start living for yourself more - try your own social events or going out with DH

You did a nice thing making sure there were activities for them...but at 10, probably chatting/magazines/ making no bake cakes alone...that sort of thing would have worked well.
The friend was a bit overly cheeky and your daughter probably would have loved it all if her friend had been positive but she wanted to seem cool in front of her.

Sleep overs are tricky to get right as they have to reflect the personality of the children and not just their age.

Dont be disheartened. It's all a massive learning opportunity all the time!

My daughter has some friends whose parents sound similar so you’re not alone, but there does come a point where you need to let them become their own person. Maybe now is the time to start thinking about you and making your own friends by finding a hobby or something.

My entire childhood was one big sleepover 😂 just not the type you see in the movies. Which I suppose is what I was aiming for here 🤦‍♀️

We also used to re-enact scenes from Dallas and Dynasty, wearing an old nighty from the dressing up basket and waving an
unlit fag picked off my dad, and argue over whose turn it was to be Alexis Carrington or Pam married to Bobby Ewing.
We were about 12/13 !

@Mondaytuesdayhappydays

Howling 😂

No you meant well

get a diff friend for a sleepover or invite same one and say to them - have fun with each other I’m going to watch tv in the other room if you need me

or similar

OP, you thought you were doing something nice, but they had other ideas of what they wanted to do. Don't feel sad or bad about it. Sorry if it feels like everyone has been piling on to you.

Next time, buy them some snacks and leave them to it. If you like playing board games, then get DH and DD to join you for for a games night with you one night. Let everyone pick a game and a drink and a snack, and make it fun for everyone.

Initially I thought the friend was rude but it seems more like this was your sleepover and everyone had to do what you wanted to do. It’s not a toddlers tea party. Other than the pumpkin most of that sounds like things that you wanted to do rather than what they wanted to do. You knew she wasn’t really into playing a board game but because you wanted to do it, everyone else had to. Then to top it off they also had to endure your choice of film. Sorry but I think you made this too much about you and what you wanted. Even when they did chose something they wanted to do themselves you started putting your shoes on and wouldn’t let them do that together either.

It's not the end of the world. We all get things wrong.
My DH went to boarding school, his experiences of being a child and teen are so different to mine and he parents differently to me as a result. Some things he does I think are really OTT, but I guess borne out of living in a completely structured environment and not seeing his parents on a day to day basis. We have a lot of back and forth on issues such as having friends over, what is normal to allow kids to do at certain ages etc. We meet in the middle and I think he is quite strict but its working out ok, the kids love him anyway😆
It really is a learning curve at every stage of raising kids, no matter what your background.

Next time let your daughter lead

Considering they are 10, very rude

This is what you should say to DD. I think she'd understand.

Tell her you'll ask for her input and give them their space next time.

It's all good. honestly. You don't need to feel bad about it.

It's kind of our job to embarrass our kids, especially through the teen years 😂

I wouldn't too much about this OP, most things in life are hard to get 'just right' at first! Your daughter is lucky to have a caring mum and you will work it out together x

DDs friend is clearly given/wanted more free reign and she seems to be the main instigator - however my DD loved having organised activities at her friends sleepovers at 10, so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but maybe read the room.

The effort is lovely, but maybe this friend is used to being more independent.