Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

I assume the hot choc and pancakes would have been fine but I suspect it was having to sit with OP and drink/eat as a threesome. It’s quite intense!!

It's really not. Op is behaving as if she has no adult friends. It's a bit sad.

It's sweet that you put so much thought into wanting to give them activities, but you were too intense and a bit controlling about it. My daughter is the same age, and when she has sleepovers I make sure I have some things they can do if they want to, but I just let them decide what to do and when, rather than try and lead the activities for them because they don't need me to do it and they are happy doing their own thing.

Sorry OP but you messed this up big time tbh.
They are ten why on earth were you insisting they play a board game with you?! If they wanted to play a game they would have done...without you.
Likewise for a movie you needed to let them choose themselves, and then NOT sit with them they must have felt so babied.

Do you make everything about you or just your child’s social life?
You like board games, you wanted to watch The Twits, but you’re not a 10 year old at a sleepover…
I feel embarrassed for your daughter - she’ll never get a friend to agree to stay round again. I hope your behaviour doesn’t cause her to get picked on.

Without wanting to pile on, I do think there is some reflecting that needs to go on here as well.

Organising all the activities because they are what the parent wants to do, and saying the child 'knows they were really looking forward to it,' is really an inversion of the parent-child role. And then saying they 'would rather they didn't exist' just because they wanted to hang out normally together - it's really self-centred and guilt tripping the child.

If OP is really coming at this openly and is willing to change, I would just think on this. Because it is not a 10 year old child's place to use a playdate to cater to the parent, or make them feel welcome, otherwise they will get upset.

You tried to play the board game with them ? That's totally OTT . It would have been nice to have a few bits ready but why were you so involved ?
Bring your own pal for a sleepover maybe 😂 ??

@Eenameenadeeka I actually don’t think it’s sweet, I think it’s narcissistic

I think from about 8 onwards girls are happy to be left alone with a little interaction but not more unless they fall out. DN is 8 and when she has sleepover DS has some interaction but not all the time. She would let them choose a film (appropriate) and let them do activities on their own with minimal supervision and definitely go out on their own - they live in a safe town though with lots of friends close by. However if it’s the first she has had then next time you’ll probably be a bit less hands on.

I have a 9 year old girl. She’d have liked the pumpkin carving, wouldn’t be allowed out on their own for a walk, we watched the twits as a family yesterday (but prob not at a sleepover), she’d have liked the hot chocolate. But mostly they’d have taken over the living room and kept disappearing off into her room. My dd can get a bit sassy when she has friends round so I try to remember to have a word with her before to explain it won’t be tolerated. So next time leave them to it more and set expectations about manners.

I think it’s nice you wanted to be involved.

In general, isn't a sleepover just a playdate followed by well, a sleepover?

So no big deal.

Perhaps ideas needed should kids ask for them.

How much input would you have uf it was just a playdate?

Yes it’s so funny how the all
come back and in the end seek you out lol!
we are away at my mums chalet In in the peak district for the weekend and yesterday DSS 17 and his girlfriend came up for the day and night on spur of moment for pub walk, cards, booze food and late night telly!
They texted earlier when home to say best night in ages - and they’ve got loads of mates between them !

When he was 11-14 would t give us the time of day lol

10?! YANBU.

I think most of the YABU votes are because you didn't initially put their ages.

I had the fingerless lace gloves Madonna wore. For some reason no-one else had them so we would all have to take turns wearing one at a time. It gave me mega cool points. Good times.

When mine were that age, I would make sure there was various food items available and some entertainment. I would tell my DD to let me know if she needed anything and then leave them to it. I would never watch a film with them. Some of the more long term friends would eat dinner with us otherwise I would usually do pizza or pasta and let them eat together without the rest of us.

I am seriously embarrassed on behalf of the daughter

I had some bright pink leggings of my mums from when she started doing ‘aerobics’ along with the lady on morning telly (for about three days)
That also leant cache to my other wise chubby, spotty teen self.
Sadly only had navy knitted - not Lacey- fingerless gloves but we made do…

I think it’s fair to say that girl won’t be back! Not sure anyone will come back!

The pumpkin carving sounds fun and yes they were being a bit rude BUT i don’t know why you were expecting to participate in the film watching and also in playing a board game with them. My son is 5 and when his friends come over I don’t join in with them unless they asked me to of course. I obviously oversee them but they can watch a film of their choosing on their own and also play together choosing their own games. I wouldn’t dream of join in h them to be honest as it’s their time together not mine.

Oooh no, I have a ten year old and at most I’m expected to provide food and money to go to the shops when friends are round, ha ha. Sometimes they like to come and update me on some gossip (which I love). Sleepovers tend to just be chatting, snacking and doing dance shows - I have on occasion been asked to video their dances (they are not on social media).

My daughter has a friend round now and I invited her to have Sunday dinner with us all as she had stayed later than planned. I felt that was enough to ask of her and let them sit at the breakfast bar while we sat at the table then take dessert up to her room. It was nice but kids at that age can be self conscious and she’s our child’s friend but doesn’t know us too well.

I think that level of interaction and pressure is a bit much. Entertainment should be more like a bracelet set chucked in their room with snacks etc. In future let them come to you and leave them to it.

Most of us have friends over so we don’t have to get so involved for that time 😂
my 6yo had a friend over today, and I sat on the sofa with a book and a coffee for the entire time. Literally no idea what they were doing 😂 making a mess I expect!

YABU why where you trying to micromanage her sleepover with her friend you where probably embarrassing your DD she’s not 5 she doesn’t need you trying to make yourself part of her sleepover and they didn’t need you trying to join them on a walk. Next time she has a sleepover stay out of it.

I have an almost 10 yo, and if she had a sleepover I leave them to it. I provide a steady flow of food/drinks/snacks - pop my head in every few hours to check everyone is alive and well and off I go.
I wouldn’t dream of watching a film with them or doing activities, my daughter would kill me. I’d find it odd if her friends mam did that also…
maybe they were a bit rude to you, but I do find your behaviour quite strange and overbearing in the circumstances.

i literally just say tv off at midnight, pick whatever you want to watch within the obvious limits. No horrors etc.

Board game I wanted to play it

you could have played it next night with dd

what’s wrong with them in their bedroom. They are 10

twits - you wanted to watch it

again could have done that another night with dd

this was dd’s sleepover

not a night for you to do stuff

I think the OP needs to invite her own friend for a sleepover so she can do all the activities SHE'D like to without pushback 😉. Seriously OP what were you thinking? My 2 DDs would have been utterly mortified if I'd behaved like this. They don't need directing and micromanaging at 10 and certainly don't need a Mumbuddy breathing down their necks. Your role at 10 is to provide food, preferably to be eaten without you in tow, and to supply any transport required. If you're needed for anything else they'll ask!

If it helps at 10 neither of my DDs would have entertained playing a board game with their friends and me but by the time DD1 was 18 and had a boyfriend staying at ours from Norway for a month, Scrabble and Monopoly were quite often played at their suggestion. There is still hope OP!