Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

What’s yours thoughts OP? Xx

It's a tricky age @MySef Your dd's friend sounds a bit aloof/mature for 10. Things must be quite different in her home? 🤔
Your dd obviously wants to fit in/impress her friend. Maybe have a chat with her about it: I thought you were happy to do xyz with friend? Next time let me know if you change your plans.
I'd leave it at that for now, but at another time I'd start lightly chatting about being ourselves and not trying to impress others.
The other tricky bit is you wanting to join in with them...it's a bit mortifying for pre-teens now. Difficult for us as mums 😢 to take a step back and let dc host a friend. Try having food available they can help themselves to. Open bedroom door policy, but don't hover.
I'd likely be reminding that manners are still to be used when company is over.

So basically you made it all about yourself? You can watch kids films without a kid present.
as for the board game, again it was for your gain. There are board game clubs for adults.. join one, find your own friends! I would be suprised if the friend wants another sleepover.

Do you only have the one child? My mother was like this and it was embarrassing and overwhelming.

With my DD I always just left them to it, delivered food into her room as required and would do a midnight snack picnic basket (all the junk food, grape juice and plastic wine glasses). They loved it.

All a bit me, me, me, really.

The whole point of a sleepover is for the kids to socialise WITH EACH OTHER. Not you.

Why not let them get on with whatever they wanted to do and watch the film without them?

Oh bless you. You got excited and over organised. Next time you can be a bit more chilled.

You are probably better off having those things as options but not insisting on them. My dd is the same age - when they have sleepovers she and her best friend like to spend most of their time upstairs playing. It actually gives us a peaceful evening downstairs!

Ha I tried the grape juice/schloer thing and bright cocktail glasses once and one of DSD’s friends sniggered and said it was ‘gay’ and why couldn’t they all
have beer.
Bloody bellend , the others thought it was great!

You inserted yourself into their sleepover and took all the fun out of it. Sorry.

Is it me or does this sound like a cracking night, still?

I'm so up for toast, Madonna dances, Nightmare on Elm Street & Cinzano!

Lol there's always one kid who is 10 going on 30 🤣

My DD is now 16 and has her BF staying over every so often, he cooks and plays board games with us. It all works out in the end

I would maybe have had one or two things available to do but certainly seems a bit OTT planning and a bit unreasonable to think it’s rude if they didn’t want to, they are allowed to not want to. Kids want to be able to get on and do what they want with their friends. From what I remember, my parents would provide the food / drink and pretty much leave us to it that’s part of the fun of just making your own entertainment and not having grown ups around, I don’t remember many planned activities aside from watching a film perhaps 😂

I wouldn’t have got involved. I would have left them to it, and put out some stuff and said “if you want to play bird games etc they are there. If you want to do pumpkin carving, let me know so I can help with sharp bits” etc

I definitely wouldn’t have planned the sleepover - it’s DDs job to plan what a sleepover with her friends should look like if she wanted it to be organised.

They were rude though. I usually see tweens/teens act like this when parents are overprotective or over shadow everything. It doesn’t give them a reason to be rude, but definitely back off a little.

How embarrassing for you. Do you not have any of your own friends?

Hang on, were you expecting to do these activities with them?

If so massive YABU. I think you might have misunderstood what a sleepover is, you don’t join in with them!

Kindly you are way too involved. Your job is just to hand over the remote, make pizza and Give a bottle of coke.

Although they’re old enough to know not to be rude!

I was a child in the 80’s and never experienced a parent wanting to join in with the activities when I stayed over. We only saw the parents when we asked for something or were called in for dinner and would usually eat separately to the parents. They would be around the house somewhere.

I’ve done the same when children play at mine, especially at 10. I stay out of the way but am listening out. Did you experience play dates differently OP?

I don’t get involved when my dd has a sleepover,I buy food and snacks but generally leave them to it.

Pumpkin carving maybe - as can be tricky to do without help - so long as the designs were their ideas, but def no need to join them for a board game or choose the film. Hot choc and pancakes are lovely (I’ll come and stay!) but poss a bit too much with everything else.

they were rude but you were a bit of an IG mum. Xx

That's rude and uncalled for.

Don’t bother next time. If there is a next time.

I think you were a bit ott but the girls were also very rude. I’ve got a 9yo and I wouldn’t be happy if any of my daughter’s friends spoke to me like your daughter’s friend.

On the board game, you massively over-stepped. Your daughter didn’t want to but you did- it wasn’t about you. I also think it’s weird you wanted to watch the film with them. You need to agree a choice, chuck them some snacks and let them crack on.

I think pumpkin carving, hot chocolate and the pancakes for breakfast are all nice and things that I would have done so the girls are being quite bratty to push back on those but I think you have to reflect and consider whether you’ve just been a bit too much.

I work with 10 year olds. They are more than capable of choosing their own activities and films, and girls love to giggle and chat together. I'd have stayed well away and only asked if they still wanted to do the activities your dd had pre planned. Im sure your dd wouid have asked for anything she needed. Don't judge the friend too harshly - she was expecting a fun, relaxed time and didn't get that.

It's rare to see an AIBU go so overwhelmingly in one direction but given the content of your latest reply I don't think you're really taking on board what's been said. I was hoping you were indeed just a bit out of touch, albeit well intentioned. However I'm starting to wonder if you aren't just in fact extremely overbearing to the point of narcissism:

"the board game - DD had grumbled about this when I first mentioned it but I only wanted her to give an hour to it out of the whole evening. I love board games and very rarely get to play them and this seemed like a great opportunity to get the kids doing something sociable rather than hiding away in a bedroom."

What? I just don't know how to respond to this if you can't already see what's so wrong here. You've tried to make us believe your daughter had agreed to a lot of this and that she would have wanted it and was probably being led astray by the friend to explain her behaviour. However I think it's also very possible that she's been conditioned to go along with what you want because it's the easiest course of action - until someone not conditioned to it comes along and points out the obvious.

As others have said, you're unlikely to get an opportunity to rectify this anytime soon as I can't see your daughter or her friends wanting a repeat performance in a hurry. Rather than your hurt feelings what you should be worrying about is if this weekend is going to cause your daughter problems socially when they go back to school. We don't know anything about this friend or if she's the kind of mean girl to happily shame your daughter for her weird mother when she gets the opportunity. How will you respond if that happens and your poor daughter gets laughed at? Time for a bit of self-reflection.

My school friend Lisa who now lives abroad - but thanks to SM - for the last 8/9 years often message each other fondly remembering these times in relation to our now adult kids and their different experiences etc.

The other day she reminded me of the dares we used to do ti impress her older sister when she joined in with the sleepover - one of which was to run down stairs to the back door in vest n pants and run back up past the front room saying ‘shit’ or ‘ Willy’loudly lol.

We also used to re-enact scenes from Dallas and Dynasty, wearing an old nighty from the dressing up basket and waving an
unlit fag picked off my dad, and argue over whose turn it was to be Alexis Carrington or Pam married to Bobby Ewing.
We were about 12/13 !

loved it