Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

The kids were rude, but you were way too controlling and intrusive. At 10, they will inevitably want their own space - some family activities would have been ok, but what you did was just too much.

This 100% it wasn’t your sleep over though it was your DD’s. You listed all the things YOU wanted to do!

It sounds like her friend didnt want to hang out with you (dont take that personally, no 10 year old wants to spend time with their friends parents), and your DD was just trying to accomodate this.

There's probably also an element of them both trying to "be cool".

Don't let it get you down and don't put too much pressure on your DD, she's entering a tricky age where the desire to fit in outweighs most other things

Both the kids are very rude. Your daughter could have had a private word with you and expressed they didn't want to do a certain activity. However, your involvement definitely is over the top. Did you not discuss with your daughter the plans for the sleepover? Surely the whole idea is that they have some fun, alone time?

Jeez, if YOU want to watch The Twits and play board games then invite your own friend for a sleepover

Your poor DD, I hope you’re not making her feel bad. I really do think you should apologise to her for ruining her first sleepover with her friend. You made it about you.

I also remembered a pizza night we did where one of DDs 4 friends, 12, thought it would be a dominoes not oven pizzas and a spread etc ! DD, who had previously been sooo excited was so upset and embarrassed by this one friend, that I later said to them all order a dessert ice cream from maccies and went to collect.
This seemed to do the trick but I never warmed to this friend after if im
honest as thought she was mean for making DD feel so small. 27 now and still a bit of an entitled put down queen if I’m honest.

They probably would have liked the hot chocolate and the pancakes in the morning had you not commandeered the entire evening.

This wasn’t about you and what you wanted to do - it was about them. Now none of you have had a good time. The friend is unlikely to want to repeat the experience even if you wanted her back again.

This was your daughter’s first sleepover that she was probably really excited about, and you managed to ruin it for her (you may not have intended to, but instead of reading the room and stepping back, you pushed on anyway with what you wanted to do). She’s likely very embarrassed now, and fearful of the social consequences she’s going to face at school.

I’d also disagree that it’s kids growing up to fast.
It doesn’t sound like that wanted to do anything inappropriate just hang out together without an adult.
When I was first year secondary school we used to hang out on inset days at my friend’s house, dress up as Madonna (showing my age!) and dance around. We used to make microwave jacket potatoes for lunch. All very innocent. We just wanted to play together. A mum there lining up for the blue eye shadow and singing Borderline would have cramped our style.

Honestly I’d say 50/50 - they were being rude as but you was also being waaaay too overbearing, just let your DD do as she pleases when her friend is round, you don’t need to force activities on them and join in.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you were expecting to be included in the sleepover, watch the film with them and play boardgames. That is abit odd. If you'd left them to it then I'm sure they would have joined in with the pancakes and hot chocolate.

They WERE rude, and I'd have a word with your daughter, but it is odd that you inserted yourself in their activities.

You said you wanted to play a board game and you wanted to watch the Twits.
It wasn’t your sleepover.
They didn’t want to go and drink 20/20 on a park bench. They just wanted to be on their own in DS bedroom. Leave them be.

God it’s all flooding back now.
DSD around 14 also had a friend that didn’t want to stay upstairs chilling and would constantly come down stairs to chat to me and DH and follow me about.

DH used to have a cheeky fag out the back door with a beer at the weekend and she used to be able to time it perfectly and go and hang around trying to start a conversation saying she was bored.

Poor DD used to bend over backwards trying to entice her back upstairs for films n face packs and junk food, and music and etc
In end I said you guys either stay upstairs or no sleepover.
God it’s hard being a teen.
I bloody hated sleepovers.

I had the odd sleepover like that lol

Getting a lot of Main Character energy from you, OP. YOU wanted to play the board game. YOU wanted to watch The Twits (aren’t they too old for The Twits anyway?). It wasn’t your sleepover. Why did you keep putting yourself into the middle of it?

That's pretty how much my DDs sleepover went at that age, leave them pretty much to it but check in with them once in a while...

I used to give dd ideas of activities but then leave them to it. Year 6 is tough and they’re all trying to grow up super fast. Mine are now 14 and 17 and would happily watch the twits with friends… at 10 they would have thought it was babyish. As a mum I didn’t get that involved in play dates after they were about 8 beyond setting up craft on the table and walking away then putting out food.

Oh dear, it's all about you.

The friend was coming for a sleepover with your daughter !
but you say:
' I love board games '
the friend didn't come to play games with you !
and
' I’d been looking forward to watching it '
nooooo you weren't really going to sit there for 90 mins and watch a whole film with 2 children, were you ?

Sadly for dd I don't think the friend will accept another invite to sleepover.

Well you were not being unreasonable

Do you not remember being a kid? My friends and I used to talk about boys from the age of 8 or 9 onwards.

Rude response full of unnecessary swearing and sarcasm

So your DD had a friend to spend the evening and overnight with her, and you micromanaged every thing they did and ate into activities with you?

Of course DD wasn’t happy. Would you be at that age if you had a friend over and your mum had organised an evening of her preferred activities for you both to spend with her?

There is a balance point between micromanaging children’s friendships and time together and handing them the keys ot the gin cupboard.

I think your ideas were lovely and you clearly went to a lot of effort, but if my 10 year old Daughter and her friends are anything to go by, they would definitely not want to watch the Twits as they would find it too babyish.

My Daughter and her friends would be fine with all the food and drink you mentioned, but wouldn’t want to do the carvings and would want to choose their own films and would disappear into their room and give each other make overs.

Is the last reply a wind up?! I wanted to play a board game, I wanted to watch the film...you are a grown up. It's not about you. How embarrassing for DD.

You're way too involved, you leave them too it at that age. Pancakes probably would've been ok if that was the only thing where you were involved.