Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

YABU - it all sounds a bit mortifying. And it was DD’s friend so no idea why you wanted them to entertain you with a board game

I have a 8 year old dd. When her friends come over they go off to play and hang out and I leave them to it. They're her friends not mine.

Obviously at this age you should be keeping an eye on them and being available. But I think you need to get your own friends and leave your dd to it.

Is DD an only child? You sound similar to a mum I know. She would invite my son over and they would do lots of activities together (when they were around 6/8)

So you planned a sleepover for your DD and friend with the intention of doing all the things you wanted to do? YABU, they are old enough to entertain themselves and didn’t need scheduled fun

At 10 I'd have been checking in on them rather than doing things with them. The walk though, that would depend on what the other child's parent would allow.

You remind me a bit of my mother who used to hang around when I had friends over (this was the 60s, sleepovers weren't such a thing) because she was jealous and felt left out. It's not a good look, sorry.

Blimey OP it sounds like you envisaged you 3 "girls" all hanging out together............

I'm cringing with 2nd hand embarrassment for you. Don't ever do that again and apologise to your poor DD.

If you want to play board games and watch a film of your choice why don’t you invite your own friends around? Seems a bit unfair to hijack these activities into your daughter’s sleepover - surely she should get to choose the activities and the film rather than having to do something you like? You’re her mother, not one of her friends - you shouldn’t be organising activities you want to do into her social life!

Mums don’t sit and watch the film at a sleepover.
The girls want to giggle and chat.
I appreciate first time hosting but surely you’ve had them yourself in past or watched tv shows with sleepovers.
Please use this as a live and learn. Don’t be ‘that mum’ at secondary age. It’s horribly close to a scenario I’ve come across in guides and it’s not nice to see the girl struggling socially because mum is oblivious. I’ve spoken as frankly as I’ve dared to the mum.

as a parent your job is to facilitate the entertainment while being as uninvolved as possible, preferably invisible! They don’t want adults hanging around - do you remember being 10? I would have wanted my mum to make breakfast and then disappear. I definitely would not have wanted her to watch the movie with us!

How did a sleepover between two 10 year olds turn into a opportunity to play board games and watch a movie you have been looking to watch? I'm befuddled. I think you were being a bit rude.
It's an opportunity for your daughter to socialise with HER friend. 😐

I leave them to their own devices. They want to hang out, chat and be alone. That’s the fun of a sleepover. If though they came to me and said they were bored, I would have pre thought activities they could do to help the evening be fun. But I’d leave them to it with the activities.
Mine had her friends over for the day recently, not a sleepover but lunch, a film and socialising. They had the lounge/kitchen/diner and honestly I sat on the stairs outside the room on my laptop. I was aware I was responsible for multiple children so wanted to be near, but I would in no way be in the same room hanging out with them, telling them what to do and what film to watch.
my opinion, but I don’t think your daughter owes you an apology here. Sounds likes she was stuck in a difficult situation between keeping you happy and doing what you say, and wanting to have fun with her friend and doing what comes naturally to them at that age. Socialising and friendships are so important for their development and they need some level of independence with that so they can find themselves and their true tribe.

You sound lovely and, with all respect, as though you were excited about the idea of a sleepover and planned what you thought would make for a good time for you! . The trick is to enable them to have their choices, help them
plan and then leave them to have fun. 10 was the benchmark for our kids having their first sleepovers. So time after school to chat and relax on their own. Then cook/assemble their choice out of two or three options for dinner (home made pizza was popular. I would set up the stuff and leave them to get it sorted by a set time). We would eat as a family. After that, suggest craft again just plonk stuff on the table and leave them go it. Then a film if they wanted or off up to the bedroom. Tidy up time in the morning. Yes pancakes for breakfast but if they wanted it get them to make the batter the night before to stick in the fridge. Keep it all relaxed. The kids will want to come back and you can enjoy a bit of peace while they enjoy themselves.

I think at that age you should be leaving them to it. The sleepover was so they could hang out together - not do family things/things with you. Next time just get some snacks in and leave them to it. At a push I will get some activities in for DC if they ask in advance e.g bracelet or slime kit but I don’t watch over them. Slime would be done in the kitchen with table cover on but I wouldn’t hover over. I let them go walks/to the small park in the estate alone but go with them to the bigger park - usually leave them in the adventure park and go for a walk keeping them in sight.
You deffo overstepped.

Sorry op but this has made me laugh a bit - you expected to play board games and watch a film with 2 11yr olds on their sleepover? 🙈🤣 No, no, no.

My 11 yr old had his first sleep over on Friday - treats were left out for a ‘midnight’ feast, they were told what was acceptable to watch, they were kicked out to the park for an hour or so to run off their energy and in the morning my ds sorted breakfast for his friend. I was around for when they wanted to tell me something funny or a riddle or something but the rest of the time I was in the back ground.

One day you and dd will laugh about this - it’s nice you wanted to make it a great sleepover but on this occasion you got it wrong. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

So fellow mum of a 10yr old here. I honestly thought having a child this age they’d still be into toys. I’m sure me and my best friend still played with Sylvanian families at 10. Anyway you sound like an amazing mum who’s put so much thought into it and I would be the same but I’ve started to learn. If it’s girls over it’s face masks and making music videos 😆. Boys are iPads/roblox. I tend to give them a snack tray and leave them to it, checking occasionally and use the excuse do they need a drink or more food. I don’t let my child out on their own yet so I can’t comment on that. Please don’t be harsh on yourself, social media has changed things so much xx

You made it all about things YOU wanted to do rather than what the girls wanted. You need to back off a bit I think.

Oh and for things like hot chocolates/pancakes my DC would prefer me just taking orders from the bedroom and bringing them up. I always lay down a blanket for them to have snacks/food on. Normally would join me in making but never when friends are over

I agree with this.

When I went on sleepovers as a child I don't really remember even seeing my friends' parents! We definitely wouldn't have wanted them there cramping our style. We wanted to watch inappropriate films, play Truth or Dare and giggle about boys we fancied.

I think your update shows it was you who wanted to do all these things - i love board games; I'd been looking forward to watching it (the twits). Even if DD had wanted to watch it, you would need to leave them to it, I think that is what you are not understanding here.

All these activities would be fine if DD was home alone with you, and like you said she does normally like hot choc, but I think you were so embarrassing she didn't want to say that any more.

Is it just the two of you? Can you look at board game cafes in your area to find like minded people so you aren't reliant on DD and her friends being willing.

No one is saying don’t spend time with dd or do nice things for her and her friends. I was always that mum that would take dd and her friend places or put on a Halloween party etc. But I didn’t insert myself in middle of their friendship.
She had an inflatable hot tub party when she was yr7. My job was to make sure it was all set up and stayed at temperature, put out food and drinks etc. I stuck my head out of door and said all ok girls at random intervals. I didn’t sit in hot tub with them or pick the pop playlist. That’s the difference as they get older.

Reminds me of the Modern Family episode with Cam and Mitch falling over themselves when Lilly has her first sleepover.
All the nice things she wanted them to lay on, she rejects when one friend who is ‘too cool for school’ poo- poos their efforts.
We’ve all had that experience in one way or another.
Wendid a little Halloween party once in the front room bit a couple of DD’s friend just wanted to go upstairs and roam about, DH found them on our room at one point!. DD was mortified and I said never again.
Sleepovers- just let them get on with it !

P.s my 10yr old loves the Twits so it was a great choice and maybe she’ll watch it just with you at some point x

My 10 year old dd would die if I tried to schedule her sleepover like this and demand that her and her friend play board games I like with me and watch films I want to watch with me.

A 10 year olds sleepover and all the things you want to do - your daughter will be mortified no doubt. Let them plan it all next time.