Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Actually after having read the update I retract my suggestion that your heart was in the right place. It doesn’t sound like you got overly invested in trying to make it fun for your daughter it sounds like saw it as a social event for you. YOU wanted to play board games, YOU wanted to watch the twits… This event was for your DD and her friend, it wasn’t a chance to force them to meet your needs. Quite frankly you were rude.

So did you make them carve pumpkins, play a board game & watch a film of your choice?

I mean watching a film & playing a board game (if wanted) certainly didn't need your input.

I'm not sure that they were rude.

It was supposed to be about them spending time together, not being forced to do what an adult wanted them to.

I’ve just picked up my 11 year old from a sleepover that was taking place because of a birthday, they ordered in pizza ate on their own (parents were in the kitchen).
Then they had a gaming fest apparently, this morning the parents got them out of the house for run around on their local green and park and then back to theirs for a cooked breakfast eaten altogether.
I think that’s pretty standard for sleepovers at this age.

10 isn’t too old for pumpkin carving, the twits or a board game… I think you thought of perfectly age appropriate fun things for them to do. I don’t think your daughter was necessarily being naughty, could be the other friend acts older than her age and lives on YouTube and Sephora. In which case, you were fighting a losing battle you didn’t know about. My kids would have loved it!

Agree

I think you planned some really nice activities, OP and disagree that they were completely age inappropriate - they are 10 years old, not teenagers - and I also commend you for trying to get them to be a bit sociable. Maybe a different friend would have appreciated your efforts more. I think it might have been easier if you had just let them know what things were available and then left them to it, or given them a choice of a handful of films then let them crack on. It was rude of the friend to whisper about you to your daughter - but I expect your daughter felt compromised and didn't want to lose face in front of a friend who was making her feel babyish. Maybe next time have a looser schedule and set some expectations with your daughter beforehand?

Sounds like you were overbearing and including yourself in THEIR sleepover

I think it's something of all of you and DD (and her friend) here.

They were rude and I can see that it was frustrating and hurtful for you. However, you were being very full on and regimented with organised activities and wanting to watch over them all of the time. At the age of 10 they probably didn't have the tools to properly deal with it, hence the whispering etc. An adult or teenager would probably say "thanks, very kind,but we can manage" whereas 10 year olds would be more likely to be fed up, unsure and react as yours did.

Some 10 year would still have enjoyed some of the activities you planned, others would not have and would have found them a bit too babyish. Especially with you seemingly intending to be involved. Your DD probably found it a bit cringeworthy to be honest although I am sure you didn't mean to be. You both need to apologise to each other and agree what needs to be done differently going forward.

In less than a year they will be transitioning to secondary school so you have to start realising that things are starting to change. They aren't grown up, far from it, but they aren't infants any more and do want some freedom to amuse themselves, within reason of course.

When mine were about 10 all I did was provide the evening meal and check that they weren't watching anything totally unsuitable. Otherwise, I left them to it.

I'm not sure I would have let them go for a walk together (not least because one of them wasn't my own and I would have explained that to them). At the very least I would have set a time on when they were to be back, and might have phoned the other parents to check they were happy with it. Their entertainment in the house though I would have left much more up to them.

Oh
my
fucking
god

are you genuinely saying you planned to play the board games with them, and watch the movie with them?!?

that is absolutely fucking bonkers.

I had sympathy with you in my first response but your update is utterly insane.

your poor dd must be mortified.

please please back off for your dds and your own sake.

Op read your post. I wanted to pay a board game. I wanted to watch the Twits.
Your dd is a separate person and wanted to do things with her friend, you weren’t taking part in the sleepover.
Unless the film was an inappropriate age rating it’s their choice.
Given your response to this thread and failing to get all hints your poor dc and her friend had an impossible task of trying to get you to leave them to it.

But 10 is old enough to choose what they want to do at a sleepover and to do it without a parent playing with them too. My 11 year old watched Frozen when a friend stayed over recently- the big defence being they chose it and watched it together.

All the things you have listed are things that you wanted to do. You love board games, you wanted to watch The Twits. She wanted to spend time with HER friend, doing things that they both enjoy together. This cannot be real.

Actually. Is this a reverse? Are you the mum of the girl who went for a sleepover, and utterly baffled?

Oh OP! You need to let your daughter breathe and be her own person.

'I love board games and very rarely get to play them'
'I’d been looking forward to watching it which DD knew'

This is irrelevant to your DD's sleepover. Find your own friends to play board games and watch your choice of movies with. You hijacked DD's time with her friend and made it all about you.

My guess is DD might not love hot chocolate or pancakes or pumpkin carving as much as you think either, she just knows that's what pleases you, and so she does what's expected of her. Until a counter-balancing influence tips her in the opposite direction.

Your daughter needs freeform space to play and experiment and try things out for herself. You need your own friends and social activities separate from your daughter's life.

I hate writing this because you are a lovely mum by the sounds of it but look at how many times you said "I" in your post in regards to the activities. At 10, I just wanted to hang out with my friends and definetly not have my mum hanging over me or playing games. You want to have the giggles and just be natural. Id be on edge if my mum did this tbh

You are treating them in a childish manner

when I had sleepovers, parents were in the house but not in the same room as us breathing down our necks. Sleepovers don’t involve a scheduled itinerary involving parents like this. It’s basically an opportunity to have a gossip of deep chat with your friends, talk about people you might think are fit, moan about parents, listen to music or watch a show, do each other’s makeup or try outfits on etc. Order a pizza in.

i don’t know why you treated it like a 5 year old’s birthday party

OP your daughter is in double digits now, nearly a teenager. You have to learn to step back a little bit.

I don't think the activities themselves were the problem, but the fact that you joined them for them.
The friend didn't come over to hang out with you OP. Has DD ever had a friend come over for an afternoon after school?

Did you think the sleepover was for you? At that age, if you’re lucky they will still play board games and watch the twits with you on a miserable Sunday afternoon, but they’d die if their friends knew they were - let alone at a sleepover. I say kindly; you need to learn she’s growing up, because it can ruin your child’s street cred if you’re a bit overbearing and odd. Kids can be cruel and at that age, they just want to feel cool. Follow their lead!

Individiually these things might have been fine but the sleepover was for the girls to spend time together - not for the three of you to spend time together. This wasn’t family game night. This wasn’t family movie night. This wasn’t family pumpkin carving night. This was her chance to have a sleepover with her friend and you made yourself included in every single stage, even their bloody walk!

Time to back off a little. Let your DD have friendships and fun and interactions without you hovering over the top of her.

I think at 10, they don’t need activities set up for them and if they do, they don’t want to do them with their mother. Two 10-year-olds don’t want an adult playing a board game with them and there is nothing antisocial about them hanging out chatting in your DD’s bedroom. They’re socialising with each other; they don’t need to socialise with you.

Things like pumpkin carving are great but you just should have given them the stuff and then left them to crack on with it so they could chat freely rather than having an adult earwigging all the time.

I love board games and very rarely get to play them

this seemed like a great opportunity to get the kids doing something sociable rather than hiding away in a bedroom

The Twits was the No.1 recommended film on Netflix, I’d been looking forward to watching it which DD knew.

Can you see that a lot of this was about what you wanted? And the fact that they would have been been socialising with each other in the bedroom?

I think you need to let go of the idea that DD is your friend and let her do her own thing a bit more. I had a friend at 10 and was often sleeping over at her house. We spent hours in her room making pretend radio shows, reading magazines, listening to CDs, making up dances. I’m sure they wanted to do the 21st century equivalents is these together.

The friend was rude, but you were overbearing.

Exactly.

It sounds like you have your daughter well trained to go along with what YOU like and so you're shocked when she has some support from an outsider she went against your wishes.

Maybe have a think about this? Does your daughter ever get to suggest things she only wants to do or do you usually railroad her into things you prefer?

God your poor daughter. Invite your own friends over to play board games FFS.