Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Seems to be things you wanted to do rather than your daughter

What films would you classify as "highly inappropriate"? The fact that you immediately over-dramatise the film choices that two 10 year old girls genuinely wanted to watch suggests that you are quite overbearing and don't take their wishes into consideration.

The Twits sounds very babyish tbh...even my 6 year old wouldn't be interested. For any girls sleepover, just stick on Kpop Demon Hunter and call it a day.

So you love board games and you wanted to watch the Twits with your DD. In other words, you planned an evening of things you wanted to do with your DD while she had a friend for a sleepover. Why? You can do those things alone with your DD another time, not impose them on her when she has a friend over.

You were being a smother.

You centered yourself on your daughter's sleepover with a friend. The board game should have been out the minute your daughter grumbled about it. They weren't there to play with you for an hour.

Chill.

Haven’t read the full thread but wanted to say you sound very thoughtful but a bit overpowering. 10 is a funny age because they probably do need some help with organising stuff and making plans but they are also old enough to want to spend time alone gossiping, making Tik Tok videos and acting grown up.

I think you had good intentions but probably babied them too much. I’d have let them pick a film and only do the games and pumpkins if they actually wanted to. I do agree they were a bit rude and ungrateful though. Next time I’d stock the fridge up and keep an eye on them but otherwise leave them to their own devices.

So you wanted to play a board game and you wanted to watch the Twits.

What did they want to watch? I would have put on Kpop demon hunters or something.

Why were you forcing the board game, if it’s something yku want to do why can’t you do it another time, weird to want to do that with them. And the film, why did you think you of watching it with them? I think the pumkin carving sounded nice and wanting to be involved with one or two activities seem reasonable but all of the activities is a bit much? Maybe your dd is just used to you being so involved and when she realised this wasn’t socially acceptable to her friend she became embarrassed? I’m shocked at two yen year old going on a walk by themselves though, I live in london and not sure that’s the norm here. Maybe though, I don’t have kids this age.

They’re 10. Yes, YABU. When my kids had friends over to play or for a sleepover, I left them get on with entertaining their guest. Tea with the rest of the family, sure, and I’d check in to make sure they weren’t up to anything they shouldn’t be and to tell them it’s time for bed/keep the noise down. The upside for me letting my kids have friends over was for them to entertain themselves so I can mostly chill out and not have to watch shitty kids movies on Netflix on a random Saturday night.

Well lesson learned OP!
They just wanted to do their own thing. Although it was thoughtful of you to plan all of those activities, you didn’t pay much heed to what they actually wanted to do - I mean they could have at least chosen their own film!

She might love the idea of those things when it’s just the two of you OP, but when her friends there she’s not going to want to do the same things. And an hour is a long time to spend expecting them to play with you, it’s a sleepover for them, not for you. What movies did they want to watch?

You’re going to have to adjust to the fact that she’s growing up, she may have been fine with you being involved with her friends when she was younger but now she’s getting older that’s going to change. If you insist on micromanaging her friendships and how she and her friends spend time together she’s going to find it hard to maintain friendships. She’s not going to want to be the weird girl whose mom still treats her like a 6 year old. And she’s only going to end up resenting you.

She’s nearly a teenager now, you’re going to have to ride out the next few years of her friendships being more important than you and her needing to be more independent of you. She’s just growing up, there will be a point where doing things like carving pumpkins are fun again but for now it’s all about being ‘cool’.

Come on. Do you not see how you are continuing to dig a hole for yourself?

You wanted to play board games.
You wanted to watch The Twits.

it wasn’t your sleepover!!!!!! It should have all been their choice and frankly manners suggest you ask a guest what they want to do and what movie they want to watch.

YABU

Your follow up comment is very "me me me". How disappointing for your DD for you to essentially take over her sleep over for yourself.

Her friend is obviously more independent and has influenced her.

However… you make sure the movie is age and sensitivities appropriate… at 10 some kids are good with a lot of stuff including 12s. Pass over the popcorn… and leave the room.

Not your sleepover.

I am thinking it might be possible that you have one single DD and no other children. I understand that, if that is the case, you are used to spending quality time with her and snuggling down watching movies… but with other kids there you don’t.

ok well that made it all worse - very me me me!!! I can’t believe you weren’t going to leave them to watch the film alone!! You were being a third wheel.

your dd may have agreed to the pumpkin but you should have read the room and realised it wasn’t appropriate with this friend

also interested to know what films they wanted!!

Hey OP, I hope you are ok? Can I come for a sleepover, it sounds awesome!

My DD is 10 as well and whenever she has friends here, I leave them to it. Last time my DD had a friend here she wanted to do the Diet Coke and Mentos experiment, so that the only thing I had to buy and set up in the garden. The rest of the time they entertained themselves. It’s the age they are at.

Rude of the friend to whisper those things, but again, it’s the age. Just have a brief chat with your DD after the friend has left and try and instill it in your DD not to behave like that in other friends’ houses (I’m sure she doesn’t, but just in case.)

@MySef But your DD is being sociable in her room, she's being sociable with her friend.

Your post is very much about what you wanted to do. Your dd and her friend weren't there to hang out with you.

Ffs no 10yr old should have to go round a friends house to play board games the mum wants and watch a film the mum has been keen to see. Watch the twits another night, or by yourself. Your DDs sleepover is not the time she should be centering what you want to do, and you shouldn't expect this of her

Yes they were rude, but imagine being 10 and really excited for a sleepover with your friend, and you spend the time playing a boring boardgame with her mum, a film you didn't want to watch and find babyish, and a craft activity again you aren't interested in. Would you be happy as an adult if you went to socialise with a friend and had to do activities you found boring with their husband say?

You love board games? It wasn't your sleepover. I think it's odd that you'd use your child's sleepover as an opportunity to do something you enjoy.

Same thing with the film. Why was it about what you were looking forward to when it was their sleepover? They should've have had the choice. Not you putting on something you wanted.

You were acting like it was your sleepover too. No wonder they were grumbling.

Oh @MySef
you have a lot to learn!
whatever made you think that your dd and her friend would want to play board games with you or do anything with you .
please tell me you didn’t watch the movie with them- if you did I am literally cringing for your poor dd.
that poor girl is probably dreading going in to school on Monday as this will be all round the class before first break .
You Need to take a massive step back from this and make huge changes before she gets any older otherwise you’ll never know what she’s up to as no teenager will bring friends home to a house like that.
you need her to know she can come to you and you will have her back when she needs it NOT try to make everything about you.
i am literally cringing after your last reply.

I have sympathy as my DD is 11 now and I’ve found it tricky to navigate as it took me a while to work out what I’m supposed to do when friends are over now! I realise they just want to do their own thing and that’s fine. So I might set up a movie night for them but I don’t sit with them. I might suggest a board game but let them decide what they want to do. Sometimes they just want to chat with each other. Sometimes they read together. Or play games etc. I just go about my day, kind of there but not interfering too much. My DD’s friends are all lovely and super polite. I think what happened here is that the fun was too organised for them and that you were present for a lot of it. Kids at that age don’t need supervision in the same kind of way if they were younger and your presence would inhibit conversation. You obviously put a lot of effort into things, and I’m sorry it wasn’t appreciated.

Oh OP it sounds like you are struggling a bit with your daughter growing independence. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Are you anxious about her needing you less? Obviously you went to lots of effort but it does sound like you were overly present.

At 10!your daughter needs a bit of space with her friends to forge her own relationships. It doesn’t reflect on her love for you but you do need to realise she isn’t a baby anymore. Was there a reason you seemed so reluctant to give them space? If so maybe talk about whatever you were worried about with your daughter to find a better balance in future.

Honestly, that was a bit weird.

Why would you assume you’d be joining in with everything? I can’t remember my friend’s parents behaving like this back in the 70s and 80s and it certainly wasn’t amongst my daughters’ circle on the 90s and noughties.

It's not being a "great mum" to stifle your 10yo and treat her like she's six.

Geez, if you love board games, invite some of your own friends over, dont hijack your daughter's friends. Same with the film!

I’m sorry but whilst your heart was in the right place you were very clearly overly involved. It was you daughters sleepover not yours.

I understand that you think the girls were rude but I’m not sure they were. It reads like you had a whole itinerary planned without checking with either one of them. You didn’t give them a chance to talk in private nor did you give them the opportunity to express an opinion on the activities so it no wonder they resorted to whispering. How else were they supposed to have a conversation?

I don’t agree with forcing people to be grateful for something they didn’t ask for in the first place. If you said you wanted to go out for dinner would you appreciate someone else dictating the restaurant and what meal you ate and then telling you afterwards how ungrateful and rude you were for not enjoying it?

OP maybe next time invite one of your friends over to stay and then you can do all the things that YOU wanted to do like watch The Twits and play board games. You completely crashed DD sleepover and I’m not surprised they were sick of you by breakfast.

I don’t think the whispering was even rude, I’m sure it was a staged whisper done on purpose to try to get you to back off rather than them having to say to you outright to just go away (which they would probably have perceived to be much ruder).

I am baffled that you tried to micromanage your daughter’s social time like this, down to what movie they had to watch. You really do owe her an apology.