Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

It's completely fair. Am embarrassing parent, however well meaning, is a hard thing for a 10 year old.

Do you think maybe your daughter was enjoying your company and activities but the friend was a bit of a grump? Maybe she’s not used to this type of interaction and was a bit taken aback, jealous even? I was quite neglected as a kid and would have loved this your activities, even at 10, they’re things I never had but that’s just me.

I mean the going for a walk I suppose depends where you live.

I'm in a small town in Germany & it's pretty usual for 6yr olds to walk to school together.

The Twits has been made into a film? I’m off to watch the trailer…

I think you should have been leaving them to it most of the time to be honest.

OP I dare say you are feeling a bit battered and bruised by this thread.

Having reflected on many of these posts, and if you accept some of the points I think the important thing is now how you deal with it.

Can you have a de-brief with your Dd? Ask her in conversation how she thought it want because you noticed her friend seemed frustrated. Tell her that you may have got over keen because you were happy that a friend was coming and ask her how it should be better next time.

If it is a concern, tell her she can tell her friend ‘LOL, my Mum says she knows she was being OTT and says ‘sorry’

That's what I would do anyway.

And tell your Dd that adults get things a bit wrong when they do them the first time, just like kids do.

Contrary to other posters here, I can absolutely see why you are upset, you tried your best and they were rude. 10 is still young, and you worked hard to come up with things you thought they would like. They might have just wanted some time to play together alone, but they didn’t have to be rude about it. If it was me I wouldn’t want the other child coming to my house again.

Oh my God - The Twits!

Sorry Op but 😂😂😂😂😂

At that age girls want face masks & nail varnish and KPop Demon Hunters, surely?

And yes, some time alone to talk about boys and do dumb little dances to shit songs.

You were really quite overbearing there. I know you're butt hurt that you planned so much (cough babyish stuff) and it wasn't appreciated but DD is probably a bit embarrassed so go easy on her, bless her.

My 10 year old is a pretty young 10, I admit, but do they really talk about boys at 10?? 🫠

You were completely overbearing, even if well meaning.

Why didn’t you ask them what they wanted to do and then go from there? It wasn’t really your job to decide all activities, 10 year olds are perfectly capable of telling you what they like or dislike. Why were you the one deciding what to watch?

I would just tell DD the truth, you missed the mark, sorry to your friend and keep it moving. One day she’ll laugh it off lol.

I agree with this - you were oddly over involved - it’s their friendship to explore, develop and enjoy - you as the third wheel prevented this.

Also the activities sound dull as ditch water to me - but more importantly did you ask your DD if she wanted you to set stuff up and did you ask her what she wanted to do?

Honestly it sounds like they were going on a walk to try and get away from you for a while. I’m sorry OP, it’s clear you meant well, but it was a sleepover at your house. They were safe. They didn’t need you to be constantly with them. It was their sleepover and you involved yourself in every little bit of it. I’m sure your DD is fine when it’s just the two of you, but she was frustrated and just wanted time with her friend.

I'm sorry OP but you seem a bit out of touch. It sounds like you didn't ask them what they wanted to do and just expected them to go along with board games and pumpkin carving?

Yes, they were rude but they are children. Why didn't they get some say it what they did? What they had for dinner? Why did you have to be with them the whole time at 10?

it’s like the Monica from friends organised fun

You treated them like babies, I mean the Twits? Come on!

Helicopter parenting

You are far too invested. Maybe your DD was a bit rude but I imagine she was mortified.

You should probably apologise for embarrassing her in front of her friend.

It's normal to offer a nice breakfast and suggest fun activities. I just think you should have given them a bit more choice rather than set in stone activities. (Maybe let them choose the film for example.) Pumpkin Carving is also a nice idea but in reality a bit of a chore.

Going on a walk is the one thing I would have supervised funnily enough. Just because of the responsibility for someone else's child.

I know it’s the first time that you hosted but has your dd ever attended one?

At a sleepover for 10 year olds I would expect a 12A movie rather than The Twits and the mum to be the provider of food and snacks rather than hanging out with the children. Did you discuss “the plan” with dd? I’m wondering if you were shocked at the reaction because you had her approval?

My kids weren’t interested but if you had a group of kids then I wouldn’t be surprised if one had a crush on a celebrity or classmate. Dating and talk about the opposite sex is very common in year 7 but I suspect that it’s the move to secondary and wanting to be olde rather than development that triggers it.

Thanks for all the replies.

We bought the pumpkins on Friday with the intention of carving them on the sleepover which DD was initially up for

the board game - DD had grumbled about this when I first mentioned it but I only wanted her to give an hour to it out of the whole evening. I love board games and very rarely get to play them and this seemed like a great opportunity to get the kids doing something sociable rather than hiding away in a bedroom.

The Twits was the No.1 recommended film on Netflix, I’d been looking forward to watching it which DD knew. They wanted to watch films that were entirely inappropriate

DD normally loved hot chocolate and had been looking forward to this, however changed her mind when it actually came to it - same with pancakes

Sorry OP, it sounds like you planned a great sleepover but you were a bit intense. It wasn’t a sleepover for you. Why would you go on a walk with them? Next time, I think just set things up and let them enjoy.

Every activity sounds great though!

@MySef - I agree with your DH too although I'm nor sure if I'd say you are out of touch, but more not realising that your DD is not a small child any more and does not need to be micro-managed every minute of the day.

Of course she is still a child, but you need to gradually loosen the reins so that she learns to be independent gradually. A sleep over at your place, where she and her friend were perfectly safe was an ideal opportunity to have time together on their own with you there for support if it was needed.

Agree with others, it would have been much better if you had asked what they wanted for dinner, or if they wanted to watch a dvd and if so which one - but mainly left them to it for the most part. would have also been good if you had asked about the food or dvd's before the friend came over.

Yes, they were a bit rude, but at 10 it is difficult to know how to deal with a parent who is coming across as being totally overbearing, especially in front of a friend - or a parent of a friend and I personally wouldn't be calling her out for that, but would apologise to your daughter - and ask her to apologise to her friend on your behalf. What happened will get back to schoolmates etc. and your daughter will likely struggle to arrange another sleepover with the friend that just came or other friends, for a longish time.

A learning curve for you, I think?

Think you should have asked your DD if she wanted you to arrange any activities and if so which ones Sounds like you were organising everything for them and being a bit OTT. Girls just like hanging out with each other and making their own entertainment with Mums providing food etc.

YOU love board games.
YOU wanted to watch The Twits.

Sorry, OP, but you tried to make your DD's sleepover all about you.

They could have been politer but tbh it all sounds very intense and honestly a bit controlling on your part.

It wasn't your social occasion, it was your DD's.