Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

Sorry OP but this is kind of funny. Transitions are tricky- like when your kid turns from a small child needing supervision to a child who doesn't etc. Live and learn and say to your dd that you'll be much more hands-off next time.

When I was going to college when we went to one friend's house her mother used to sit with us and join in the conversation - all the time not just the pleasant chat at the beginning. I couldn't understand how she thought we would want her there for our entire visit.

Mind you I think that child was rude with all the whispering and complaining.

Seriously @MySef you need to apologise to your daughter and start letting her grow up a bit .

Re the whispering - well, yes. Of course they whispered, they weren’t exactly in the position to say ‘can you stop being overbearing so we can go do our own thing?’ to you, so they communicated their frustrations in only way they really could. It wasn’t like you were giving them the opportunity to speak in private. Even adults struggle at times when it comes to decorum, and these are children.

You were massively, and embarrassingly, overbearing. Your daughter is going to now be worried about the social consequences of this too, as no doubt their other friends will hear about how the sleepover sucked because of her weird mother.

Oh op, you tried to be kind but I’m afraid pulling your shoes on when they said they were going for a walk is the kind of thing that people will laugh about forever. I just hope for your dds sake that this girl doesn’t go spreading this about at school otherwise prepare your dd with some responses.

learn from this op, woefully out of touch in terms of her age. I would do some research in to what is normal for a 10 yr old because it could be that you’re treating her like she’s 6 in other areas.

Yes you might have gone over the top but that child would be back for a sleepover at mine and DD would not be going to hers for a sleepover, I’m afraid. Yup, out of touch one here I’m afraid.

That attitude from a 10 year old is pretty wild.

Sorry op, you were overbearing in the evening.

At 10 we were sneaking the movie IT into a case of another film and eating snacks at midnight.
The twits and you being with them the whole time was too much.

Commonsense media is good for checking film suitability. I’d have left dd and her friend pick the film and checked it was age appropriate and left them to it.

@MySef I would love to do all of this even now and I’m in my 40’s! 😆

Would have loved it even more when I was 10 and been grateful for the effort you put in.

And maybe I’m ott but I wouldn’t want my 10 year old going out alone.

You sound like a great mum xx

If I did this for my 18 & 19 year old sons’ friends they’d love it! 😂 It would be more about amusing the “old girl” though! 😂

At 10 they’d have been mortified and I expect would told me, “No thank you, we’d like to do our own thing.” It never happened because I know at sleepovers they want to roll around, bounce on and off the beds, wrestle and generally be daft together. OP, you were weirdly involved but both girls were very rude!

Sorry OP, they were rude but the issue here was you micro managing them. Even after they were reluctant and outright whispering about going upstairs why did you continue to try to have the sleepover you envisioned rather than the one they obviously wanted?

Also all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist is crazy dramatic. Your DD just wanted a sleepover with her friend, not to wish you out of existence.

Time to reassess, have a word with your DD about articulating herself politely and apologise for going over the top.

Yeah they tend to want to be left too it. Your daughter was probably a bit embarrassed

Friend was cheeky (they are at the age when kids can be rude without really realising) but you were treating them like you would younger children. They grow up pretty rapidly between 9 and 13 so it's not surprising you were caught out.

There will also be days in the future when you think pumpkin carving and hot chocolate is far behind you but your DD suddenly wants some childhood nostalgia... just take your lead from her.

I agree on the twits…..it is a tad babyish….my eldest is around that age and wouldn’t be seen dead watching it 😂 pumpkin carving she only did as her younger siblings wanted to do it. Board game would depend what it is…sorry OP I’m sure your intentions were good but kids these days are “older” than we were - they want to go on group chats with their mates, play Roblox, make stuff with a 3D printer, try out hairstyles off tik tok on each other

Sorry OP. I do think that you tried to micro manage everything , when you should have just let them get on with whatever they wanted to do.

When DD was 10, if a friend came over they just went in her room and had fun. I wouldn't have dreamed of telling them what they should be doing with their time. I would have asked DD what they wanted to eat and that would ahve been about it.

Oh dear I was cringing for you while reading that OP.

One of the reasons I like DD having friends over (no sleepovers yet) is because she can go off and play with her friend and I am not required for entertainment. It's like you were trying to be part of their friendship group, extremely embarrassing

You sound like a mum from our village... she insists on micromanaging every minute of her child's time and then wonders why her 10 year old daughter does nothing but push her away. When my 10 year old son had a sleepover I gave them dinner, then they disappeared off upstairs and then I told them at some point that it was time for bed (and then popped back in a couple of times to ask them to stop yelling at each other and at least whisper if they weren't planning on going to sleep...)
10 year olds really dont want organized pumpkin carving with Mum and being forced to watch a film that they didnt pick. And putting your shoes on to join them on their walk is embarassingly hilarious.

10 year olds need to be building independence. My daughter started secondary about a week after she turned 11 so she needed to be leaning to go out alone before this. Children need to be able to grow into functioning teenagers and adults.

At that age what you want to do is have a couple of things that are in reserve for if they get a bit "what can we do" or silly and leave them to it.

I'll bet if you'd just said to your dd that you had a couple of pumpkins if they wanted to do them, then they'd have settled down to it together at some point. You shout through something along the lines of "please don't cut any fingers off - don't want blood on the floor", let them giggle about that, and leave them to it, except occasionally appearing with snacks.

Set up the TV so they can watch in their room, and give a rule such as TV off by midnight, here's lots of snacks, please brush your teeth when finished. And then leave.

Small rules, as little supervision as is safe.

My dm could be a bit wanted to be there and it really makes you as the dd cringe and changes a sleepover into quite a tense time.
I remember one time, a bit like the walk for you, trying to tactfully say to dm "please don't come". I went through the "boring for you" "don't need to" "we might want to go to the park" etc. and eventually after everything had been brushed aside said that we wanted to go alone, and then dm was like you, all hurt. But honestly I'd reached the end of tact at that point, and, as an adult, I still don't see what else I could have done, except let her come along and made the walk a very stilted affair. I feel that she should have backed off by the second excuse anyway.

In that situation you ask where they're going. Tell them if they change their mind to let you know. Check they have their mobile on in case you need to contact them, ask them to be back (or let you know if they'll be late) by a certain time, and offer hot chocolate or something else when they get back.

Give them space, and they may well come back to you. We used to often end up sitting round with one of my friend's mums - even in our teens because she gave us lots of space.
We'd sit around in the lounge talking, and she'd get on with what she was doing, but often join in.
That was because she never had any expectation of us doing that. She'd just get on with what she was doing and we'd gravitate to her.

Expecting a 10 year old to say Mrs MySef I’ve come to play with Katie not you isn’t realistic.
Theres posts on here all the time where adults find it impossible to say no to people joining eg my friend is bringing her friend to lunch what do I say.
Your Daughter obviously didn’t feel confident saying back off mum.
No one is saying don’t do nice things but read the room and give them some space.
I used to say what are you watching (check ok age wise if need be) put popcorn/sweets and drinks out and say help yourself I’ll be upstairs if you need me. Leave them to it.

Omg this wasn’t your play date, it was your daughter’s. How embarrassing.

OMG OP!

The friend came for a sleepover with your daughter not to spend time with you 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I find it a bit strange that your DD has got to 10 without ever having a sleep over before. Has she been to other friend's houses for sleep over or has that not happeened yet either?

Poor kids, you tried too hard OP, at that age they are best left to it when their friends are around, but I would be a bit wary of two 10 year olds just going out for a walk alone though. So I guess it is a difficult age to get it just right anyway.

The main reason I encourage my kids to have friends sleepover is so they will fuck off and leave me alone!

I really feel for your daughter, are they at school together? I’d be so worried about this other girl telling all their school friends.