Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Yeah, you did way too much. I understand that you wanted to make it fun for your DD, but you mis-understood the assignment.
Kids don't want to hang out with the parents at a sleepover! At that age, I can understand perhaps one adult-led activity. Either the pumpkin carving or the boardgame. But all of that, plus choosing the film for them, then the pre-bed hot chocolate, then the breakfast, then the walk.
Did your DD have a hand in choosing any of that? Or did you just decide?

Yes, you are out of touch, overly involved and intrusive. Your daughter must have been so embarrassed!

I get it, I do. I've done that with mine and had to get told to pull back. It's easy to forget how independent they are becoming.

Your help and your company was neither needed nor wanted. You treated your 10yo and her friend like they were 5. Board games and The Twits? That is not fun; chatting in your room with your mate is fun.

Around 10 the yuck factor of gutting a pumpkin often outweighs the interest in doing it.

Apologise to your daughter for forgetting that she's growing up. And in future, stuck to providing food and drink for sleepovers.

Your husband is right, you’re out of touch and should have left them to get on with it.

For those saying the other little girl was rude, I’d say it sounds like she was making an attempt to be discreet (whispering to ask if they could spend time on their own). I imagine it was quite an intense experience for a child to not have any time away from an unfamiliar adult and feel she couldn’t just relax and enjoy the company of her friend… it probably felt like the equivalent of attending a work social, where you have to be “on” all the time and can’t fully relax.

Next time just give them their hot chocolate and leave them to it, same for brekkie. The poor kid doesn’t need you mithering them every two minutes, you sound intense!

Same

Bit confused why you kept pushing these activities when by your own description it was clear they weren’t enjoying them? It’s supposed to be fun, if they’re “huffing and puffing” at pumpkin carving, just send them off to play! Same for the Twits, once they moaned it was babyish did you let them choose something else or insist on watching it anyway? They were a bit rude but honestly it sounds like you can’t take a hint at all and I probably would have ended up snapping at you too

You can get off the hooks. The OP posted the age.

Op says she is 10. You can filter to see posts by Op.

The OP has posted the ages.

Ok, they were rude.

Far too much involvement for children that age. My 10 year old would have either been out in the park /on their bike or up on their room chatting, playing Xbox etc.
At that age they don’t need the constant supervision or stimulation.

Why did you put the twits on for them? Why not ask.what film they wanted to watch? Did you sit down to watch it with them too?!

You were way to involved. When mine have friends over I offer drinks and snacks regularly but otherwise I just leave them to it and try and stay out of the way.

I think you did not fully grasp that you weren't actually invited to their sleepover. :-/
The whispering girl probably thinks that you were being quite rude pushing in and trying to make them do babyish things, and was trying to be polite by whispering directly to your DD rather than speaking out loud or challenging you.

No, the OP was rude to push herself in and take over during her daughter’s evening with her friend and to continue pushing in when it’s clear she wasn’t wanted or needed.

I feel sorry for your dd. You pitched this totally wrong and now you're saying she should 'know better'. Why would 10 year olds want to hang out with a parent on a sleepover?
To be honest forcing a board game on any age child is strange, I might suggest a game if kids are looking bored but would never expect them to play a game of my choice! Even my 5 year old goes upstairs with his friend and I don't see him for most of the play date. You have to back off, this will have been hugely embarrassing for her and she doesn't need a guilt trip too.

But it's a sleepover for them, not you.
Lovely that you planned some activities, if they don't want to do it, surely that's fine?
Why would they want you to accompany them on a walk?! It's your child's friend, not yours.

Op is never coming back. And this (probably) never happened.

Yeah you’re out of touch. At 10 they don’t want to hang out with you and their friends. You kinda should know that already.

You embarrassed your daughter. What you did is suitable for a 5-6 year old.

What happened op to make you behave like this and be unable to take the hint, you even picked their movie for them, wanted to be with them all the time, wouldn’t even let them go for a walk. did no part of you think this is about my daughter not me?

I don’t agree with your husband, I don’t think you’re out of touch, I think this was never acceptable, I’m in my fifties and it wasn’t ok when I was young. They are ten, not 4.

is it you struggle to accept your role is to enable your daughter to have independence, are you lonely and got excited and thought the sleepover was for you, this little girl was coming to see you?
id examine why you behaved like this, and ruined it for your child, and fix the root cause. Just apologise, profusely to your daughter and promise it won’t happen again, as no one will want to come to her house if they think it means they have to have a play date with you.

Yep, probably made up by a mod for clicks, fair play to them, it works 🥴

Are these activities your daughter would normally enjoy? Did you discuss the plans with her beforehand?

I find it a bit odd that you’re sat ‘seething’ because your daughter wants to hang out with her friend without you.

Yeah, at 10 I think you were probably a bit much and should have left them to get on with it.

That's not to say they weren't rude though - I would be horrified if my daughter had acted like this to a hosting parent at the age of 10, whatever her secret thoughts.

And your ds is certainly old enough to show you some empathy and not hurt your feelings like this.

However, I guess you also need to show her some, and realise that at this age she and her friend wants privacy and to do their own thing.

I suggest an honest sit down chat with your daughter. Explain that her rudeness was unkind, and that her friend's rudeness has also given you second thoughts about having the child over again (if it has). But apologise for being full on and ask her what she would like from you on sleepovers when you decide to let her have one again.

It's not worth falling out over. You have just both misunderstood each other a bit, I think.

Sorry OP, I would have just left them to it if that's what they wanted.
It is hard but all they wanted was a bit of space, maybe next time just leave them to it.
I don't think the friend was rude just a bit frustrated but I can see why.
They just wanted some girly chats not as if they wanted to go out on their own in the evening.
The activities you planned sounded a bit young for them and it sounds as if you wanted to be heavily involved in the weekend.
Next time maybe ask your daughter and her friend what they would like to do.

Your DH is right, you should’ve left them to it. I can’t understand why you would try so hard to organise activities. They are well able to entertain themselves. YABU.

Read your thread OP. It’s all “ you you you” Why didn’t you ask DD and her friend, what THEY would like to do??