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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

923 replies

MySef · 26/10/2025 12:02

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 26/10/2025 13:38

I think it can be a big jump to go from being involved in everything your child does to letting go and letting them do their own thing. One thing I do sometimes do is leave some crafts out so they can choose to do them together if they wish. They haven’t needed adult intervention for a while though.

Bearybasket · 26/10/2025 13:38

It doesn’t sound d like you gave them any input on what they were doing beforehand?

When my girls were younger I always asked if they were having friends over and I was thinking of planning activities for them I always asked if they wanted to do anything specific.

I generally just set any activities they did want to do up and let them get on with it on their own too, except when they were very small

Coffeeishot · 26/10/2025 13:38

LouiseTopaz · 26/10/2025 13:21

I think some people are being a bit harsh it's hard being a mum and suddenly them being independent and not needing you as much. Children are growing up so much quicker compared to when we were younger, my 10 year old niece is the same.

My Dd is early 30s and she honestly just wanted to hang out with her friends on sleepovers at 10. we had dinner and maybe watch some Tv but generally they would dissappear into the bedroom or the garden

I appreciate today's 10 year olds are exposed to a bit more but I don't think today's 10 year olds will be that much different.

Toddlertiredp · 26/10/2025 13:39

It’s a bit rude of them but I’d probably just have asked them if they wanted to do pumpkin carving first. I’d also have let them choose a film and if I’d heard them whispering about going todo their own thing I’d have just said of you go.

At ten I definitely would want more space with my friends (most of my play dates as a child were usually just us left to it from about the aged of five). It’s nice to offer activities but I wouldn’t get that involved.

user1492809438 · 26/10/2025 13:40

Thirteen year olds, you would have been out of touch, ten year olds, just plain rude.

BunnyLake · 26/10/2025 13:40

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 26/10/2025 12:07

Forced fun isn't great at any age. It sounds like the activities were for you

Forced fun was my first thought. I never did anything other than provide food and drink at my kids sleepovers.

ELMhouse · 26/10/2025 13:41

I’m not sure @MySef will be back, but incase she is can I just ask, when you heard the whispering why didn’t you let them just get on with it? Why did you continue the regimented activities?

please dont chastise your DD, I think you actually owe her and apology.

TheBlueHotel · 26/10/2025 13:43

MySef · 26/10/2025 12:10

They’re 10

You're out of touch, and a bit embarrassing. Let them entertain themselves.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 26/10/2025 13:46

Why are you forcing activities on 10yo? Surely they can get on with it and chill out on their own?
Why could they not have chosen the film, this does feel as if it was all about you??

I would imagine your DD is embarrassed by your over involvement and maybe worried about how this will be seen at school on Monday!!

We learn as parents all the time so chalk this one up as experience and be happy next time she stays you don’t have to think up entertainment!

I think an explanation of this is what you did as a child (if it was) and a willingness to say I recognise I didn’t involve you in activity planning - I have never done this before etc… would not go a miss.

LBFseBrom · 26/10/2025 13:46

MySef · 26/10/2025 12:10

They’re 10

Old enough to organise their own entertainment, you provide food, that's all.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 26/10/2025 13:47

Sounds like you were incredibly overbearing OP. Leave them alone to do what they want to do.

Crunchienuts · 26/10/2025 13:47

Yes, you should have left them to it. One of the joys of having older children is not having to get involved in their play dates surely!

TonTonMacoute · 26/10/2025 13:48

I think you were right to have arranged the activities in case they got bored, but you should have just let them get on with it

user1476613140 · 26/10/2025 13:48

This definitely "it's not all about you!" territory.

HPFA · 26/10/2025 13:48

ScutchS · 26/10/2025 12:36

I've already responded with my thoughts on the overbearing nature of OP's involvement. But I'm really surprised at how many people have said that the friend wouldn't be allowed back, or DD shouldn't be allowed another sleepover. They weren't given a chance to talk on private or voice any argument to what was going on. Of course they're going to respond like children lol. Plus...The Twits, for 10 year olds....My DD stopped watching stuff like that when she was about 5.

Exactly. People seem to be expecting an astonishing level of social maturity from a couple of ten year olds.

The girls are expecting a fun night which they've probably been looking forward to for a while and find a Mum treating them both like five year olds and spoiling everything. Of course they're not going to react well!

wordler · 26/10/2025 13:48

Did you discuss all the activities and choice of movie before hand with your DD?

The walk bit was very odd - don't you normally let your DD do things on her own? I'd have thought it was obvious that they wanted to do the walk on their own.

phoenixrosehere · 26/10/2025 13:49

All I read is that you planned xyz, but nowhere does it say you actually asked or talked to your DD when making such plans.

Did you ask what she desired for the sleepover? Did you get her input of what she wanted to do with her friend?

ruethewhirl · 26/10/2025 13:51

Surely they just wanted to play on their own? You didn't need to think up activities for them, and couldn't they have chosen a DVD for themselves? That's not meant to sound harsh, I just think it's glaringly obvious personally.

My mum was like this, on the rare occasions I was allowed friends to stay over - she seemed to think it was on her to entertain us, but I vividly remember just wanting to play with my friends without my parents being involved at all (except where supplying food, drink and sweets was concerned, obvs. 😄)

Wrenjay · 26/10/2025 13:53

Does DD need your permission to grow up? I'll bet she hasn't even been allowed to go to a shop on her own yet. Do you track her every movement outside the home? She is not a baby any more. You need to step back.

applesss · 26/10/2025 13:53

You were OTT and it’s likely to have embarrassed your daughter. At 10 they can entertain themselves, put their own suitable movie on, get their own snacks and go for a small local walk/the park themselves. No kid wants to hang out with their friend’s mum. All I do is cook their tea and sort breakfast. They will sit at the table for tea, but not with me. I don’t think you will need to worry about any more sleep overs in future. Sadly, it’s likely to get round the friendship group and no one will want to come.

When I was 10, my friends and I were going to the local park, doing make overs on each other, a bit of karaoke/pretending to be the Spice Girls and making our own potions with my mums body shop collection! No supervision needed.

Wildgoat · 26/10/2025 13:54

Oh op.why were you gate crashing their play date, how embarrassing for your daughter, the sleepover was with her, not you. Why when you heard them say first time to be alone did you persevere and try to make them be with you and make it your play date and your sleepover? Surely at ten you didn’t want to hang with your mum when your friends were over/

apologise to your daughter , tell her next time you won’t try to make it about you and what you want, and let her have time with her friends,,

UnderstoodBetsy · 26/10/2025 13:55

Oh, dear. Did you really try to micromanage the girls’ time to this extent? Did you declare that now everyone must play a board game together or now everyone will watch the film that you chose? Yikes. At the age of ten, they should be more than capable of interacting independently with minimal supervision. Give your DD and her friends the freedom to choose how they want to spend time together. They may not want to engage in organised activities. Back off and let them decide what they want to do. There is great value and enjoyment in just chatting and laughing together.

It does sound as though both girls were a bit rude in their response to the situation, but I think you might have taken the hint when they reacted to the first activity as they did. I know your intentions were good and you just wanted them to have a wonderful sleepover. It can also be difficult sometimes to recognise that your child has reached a new stage of development and is no longer interested in things they would have loved a year or two ago.

Hankunamatata · 26/10/2025 13:55

You seem to be very involved in their sleep over. Perhaps they just wanted to hang out together and not with you

TheatricalLife · 26/10/2025 14:00

It was OTT but obviously came from a good place.
I don't think my mum ever entertained us at sleepovers when I was a kid (80s/90s). We asked for food and drink and aside from that, we just did what we wanted. I wouldn't say she saw us for more than 10 minutes at a time if we were home at all and not at the park or out on our bikes.
They just wanted to hang out together and do what they wanted. It would have been fine to ask 'do you want to do....' and then go with their choice, but making them sit down to do pumpkins etc is too much. Forced fun is boring.

MyCheekyEagle · 26/10/2025 14:01

I'd have just left them to do their own thing to be honest & enjoyed the time to myself. She's your dd friend, not yours. You doing everything with them would have changed the dynamic. As they get older you've got to learn to let go & let them chill out together without parental intrusion.