I’ve been accused of bullying - ridiculous

[Jinjer]

At work on Friday we were holding a meeting and I asked how people would feel about a specific proposal …

Most people either said yay or nay so to speak but one woman went absolutely nuclear, ranting on and on about how it was a terrible proposal and she’d never support it, drawling parallels to other things in place that she disagrees with, raging on about how terrible it all is and how sick of it all she is etc! Everyone was a bit gobsmacked so to lighten the mood I said “so, can I put you down as a maybe?”

Everyone laughed. She didn’t. She got up and stormed out. I now hear she has complained to the manager about me humiliating her and wants it treated as bullying??!

WIBU?! Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

Me too. 😆
Bit inappropriate for work.

And you were happy with a boiled sweet for a treat and you’d spend hours playing with sticks as a child.

You tried to diffuse an awkward and unprofessional response. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I am not sure what point you are trying to make. Yes working conditions can be appalling. There have been examples of surgeons behaving in a shockingly unprofessional manner which has created toxic work environments and endangered patients.

shocking and wrong.

are you suggesting that because this wholly unacceptable behaviour took place fifty years ago that we should all tolerate unprofessional behaviour in the work place now?

do you think you are a better person because you put up with it, didn’t speak up, didn’t advocate for patient safety? Do you think that makes you stronger?

I think we are talking about opposite ends of the scale here. I agree that bullying in the workplace is bad and wrong, and certainly thinks have changed (as the needed to) since the 70's/80's/90's.

But I feel the pendulum may have swung too far the other way. I've read on MN more than once about people's staff reporting them for such heinous crimes as asking them to turn up to (on line) meetings, or get their work done - because they classed any negative comments about performance as "bullying".

I completely agree that shouting, swearing (at staff), discriminatory comments or throwing things around has no place in today's offices, but it's got to the stage where you don't dare say anything just in case someone is standing round the corner and decides to interpret it in the wrong way, or assume it's about them whether it is or not, or take it completely out of context.

oh give over- there is a time and a place and a way of saying “What the fuck are management on about now?”. And if you can’t manage to pick the time/place/manner then eventually someone is going to Not give you free rein to opine at length.

OP didn’t encourage anyone to laugh at her, and that isn’t the claim. The claim is that OP belittled her (made light of her concerns). Her concerns may be genuinely and strongly felt, but that in itself doesn’t preclude her opinion being absolute nonsense/ unworkable.

Ultimately she is just someone who is happy to give it, shouting the odds at work, but super brittle when it comes to being spoken to in the same way. What a hypocrite.

I think we are saying, that speak as you would be spoken to.

If you go off ranting, then accept you are setting the tone for the meeting, and don’t pretend you think you’re being bullied, when someone disagrees with you. OP very gently gave a clue that she had overdone the outrage. She could have very easily just said “noted” in the meeting and then hauled in her for an improvement plan on conduct in meetings and behaving constructively/professionally.

OP hasn’t told us whether the matter is trivial or quite serious, but either way, my assumption is that this is a pre-emptive attack, so that OP can’t mention her unprofessional conduct.

It's a manager's job to manage their staff and their stresses. If one of my direct reports was so bent out of shape that they literally broke down in a meeting, then I'd be super concerned. Here's what I wouldn't do, belittle them by encouraging laughter at their expense. I wouldn't deliberately isolate them either by trying to insinuate they aren't a team player and everyone else is on the same page.

But you're right, she was 'super brittle' and this is an indication of a wellbeing concern, not an invitation to see if she can shatter.

There seems to be piece of information left out by OP that may be important.
Is this behaviour ‘in character’ or ‘out of character’ for the individual.

I had assumed it was in character, and typical for her but a bit worse than usual.
You obviously are reading it as out of character in which case my reaction would be closer to yours.

But I am certain that there is no course of action OP could have taken that would have avoided this.

OP's 3rd post at 10.05 details the typical behaviour for the person concerned.

While I am all for humour in difficult situations, you have to be 100% sure of your relationship with the person. When they are really upset and ranting is rarely going to be the right time to be funny. I think it was bad judgement on your part, but I would also be unhappy about being accused of bullying for one incident. Apologise but defend yourself.

Although I see from your POV that it didn’t feel like bullying, from what she said, it sounds like this proposal has already been spoken about. For example “sick of it all” feels like this has been going on a long time.
obviously it’s hard to comment without more background (your previous professional relationship, previous situation re proposal) but you definitely did make her look stupid which is never nice. If someone feels there’s been bullying, it’s not up to the “bully” to say it wasn’t bullying.

I'd make a complaint about her...

No matter what her issues are and were it does not excuse her behaviour which was totally unacceptable.
We all use humour to diffuse difficult and stressful situations and I think the OP handled it as well as possible in the heat of the moment.
This will not have been nice for the rest of the team and the OP did well not to react at the time.

Depends OP on your position to the woman. Are you her senior? Then your comment was inappropriate. You can’t stand there in a position of power over someone and mock them publicly.

Clearly her response and behaviour was unreasonable but as a manager, you totally missed the signs of someone who may be stressed, burnt out or simply be dealing with something wider than work issues. I don’t think your response to her was funny at all and I’m not surprised she complained. What happened to your compassion?

I think this too.

It wasn’t handled well, hence the bullying accusation. Whilst the team members behaviour was not professional at all (and needs addressing), making a joke was not appropriate, especially OP asking if she could put down the response as a maybe when it was quite clearly a no. It was a joke at her expense.

No one should be mocked in the workplace by a manager, a peer or a junior colleague, be it one to one, in a small group or more publicly.

She was clearly overwrought and, although your comment was funny, yes it was uncalled for. Far from bullying, more an inappropriate response to her emotions. At the basics it was mocking and making others laugh at her expense.

A nod of the head and confirmation that you're listening would be much kinder.

Yes & to be fair to us all, though her reaction seems over the top, we don't actually know, what your proposal was, so how can we truly & fairly, give an honest opinion, of whether any of this scenario, was or was not, reasonable? 💚

So if you’re asked what happened you stick to the facts. You made the proposal people could say yes or no. She reacted differently to others and you made a comment t try and lighten the mood. It backfired and she reacted more.

I think that response was brilliant. Exactly what I would have said.
Some people are just wet wipes that love to get attention by accusing people of bullying etc.

To whom though? And are you quite sure?
That nodding is assent that how she spoke is an acceptable way for her to speak to OP and to colleagues.

What about the others in the room who fear conflict and find it traumatizing. Are you being kind to them? What about a junior person who might want to speak up and knows it is going to put her in opposition to the drama llama so they make themselves smaller, and contribute less so that the woman in question can have more of the space and attention.

’kindly’ nodding, actually does no-one any favors in the long run. It destroys teamwork and team effectiveness because having to communicate with someone who might explode at you is frightening and people end up minimizing contact with her (which will inevitably be positioned as the team bullying her).
As someone who inherited a team with a few exploders, I would be fairly direct about how we communicate with people and how to constructively voice disagreement.

I would have acknowledged the emotion and the strong response. I would have offered to discuss it one to one. But I wouldn’t have made fun of her in front of her colleagues. No matter how difficult she was.