I’ve been accused of bullying - ridiculous

[Jinjer]

At work on Friday we were holding a meeting and I asked how people would feel about a specific proposal …

Most people either said yay or nay so to speak but one woman went absolutely nuclear, ranting on and on about how it was a terrible proposal and she’d never support it, drawling parallels to other things in place that she disagrees with, raging on about how terrible it all is and how sick of it all she is etc! Everyone was a bit gobsmacked so to lighten the mood I said “so, can I put you down as a maybe?”

Everyone laughed. She didn’t. She got up and stormed out. I now hear she has complained to the manager about me humiliating her and wants it treated as bullying??!

WIBU?! Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

As a one off, I think you should apologise for misreading the situation.

However, unless she has been known for making accusations, then I'd wonder if she's been feeling bullied by you for some time.

I came forward after three years. That was three years of thinking "badly said" "they didn't mean it like that" "they obviously were having a bad day" "I'll keep my head down and they'll see I'm doing my best".
I came forward after a public situation that they couldn't deny happened - and even then, having it in writing, they denied it and claimed it was misreading of the situation. They said it was ridiculous too.

If someone accused me of bullying, after something like that, my first reaction would have been to examine myself, want to go and apologise and feel very guilty that they might have been feeling that way. Not to say that it is ridiculous.

I have PTSD from workplace bullying. Don't dismiss it.

Your response was unprofessional. If you are the chair of a meeting, you have to be able to handle contributions without belittling people publicly or making them the butt of jokes.

I'm afraid you are in the wrong. You should be contrite, offer to apologise and, and note that you will be more professional in future.

You embarassed her and made her feel like shit OP and you don't seem to have taken any accountability for that. It suggests this could be a toxic culture that she is sick of. I don't think its bullying based on this incident but the way you talk about her says alot.

OP obviously didn’t say what the proposal was but I can think of all kinds of situations where her rant might be understandable.

• you’re suggesting some kind of pay freeze/lack of overtime/change of working conditions or pay that’ll materially impact her
• you’re suggesting something that negatively impacts service users and she cares a lot about it eg less support for SEN kids in a school, cutting a service, cutting corners with clients
• the suggestion itself was fine but she’s under a lot of pressure and this change will add to that

Just a few examples where I can see why she’d feel really upset even outraged at “I’ll put you down as a maybe” being so flippant about something that obviously matters a lot to her.

The proposal wasn’t mine, I was simply the messenger and all it required was a “yay or nay” response which everyone else in the room managed.

Oh it's one of those authoritarian workplaces where proposals are top down and no-one's input or opinion is valued. No wonder she's raging - none of her opinions or perspectives are being listened to. She's in the wrong job and it's the wrong culture for her.

To the many of this thread who might disagree I recommend reflecting on the impact of chaotic emotional behaviour, particularly in professional settings.

If she did this in every meeting I would be inclined to agree with you. We have a drama llama at my place and I cant recall a work meeting where she hasnt moaned about something.

However, if this is not the woman's udual character I would be trying to unpick why she reacted to the suggestion ( if you are her manager) , if you are not her manager I would be passing on concerns that she doesn't normally respond in such away.

If that’s the case, then she sounds like a PITA and I would question why she remains in the business if she’s so unhappy.

Taking the situation completely at face value as you’ve described, it’s definitely not bullying, but you did humiliate her by making light of her strong reaction to the proposal. Others have suggested more diplomatic ways to respond along the lines of “ok thanks, I can see you feel strongly about this.”

That said, if she’s generally a trouble maker and prone to kicking off and behaving inappropriately, then somebody ought to be managing this with her as she will be creating an uncomfortable and toxic working environment for her colleagues. That’s assuming she doesn’t have a fair point - but without full context it’s impossible to say so I’m taking your word on this.

If she really is likely to fly off the handle at everything I wouldn’t worry as her claim won’t be taken very seriously. But I still think you should have a think about not going for the joke in future - it’s a lesson I’m still learning tbh.

Really shocked at the responses. Your colleague was totally unprofessional and knows it, she accused you of bullying to deflect away from her.

You must have known this staff member doesn’t have a sense of humour! Just tell her she was ranting and your comment was intended to lower the temperature with a bit of humour.

It sounds like OP could have felt a little upset and taken aback by her rant herself and that she did go OTT. I don't blame OP at all personally but it obviously wasn't well received. Maybe something like 'and how would you approach a problem like that or what would you like to see happen instead' could help her get her feelings out. It doesn't mean her suggestions have to happen but at least it gets them off her chest

This is 'Am I Being Unreasonable?' The idea is that you're asking people to say
'yes' or 'no' to what you propose.

The title you've given this thread rather implies that you've already made up your mind that you're not being unreasonable. Does that kind of mindset come across when you're asking your colleagues for a yes or no?

I’m always a bit wary when a third party, particularly a woman, is described using words like “rant” and “rage”and “nuclear”. It quite often seems to me, to mean “disagreed with me vehemently”…….

Your response was not necessarily the most appropriate and certainly not the most sensitive but it doesn’t sound like her behaviour was appropriate either.

It sounds like she’s struggling a lot and is now taking it out on you. If this is her old “evidence” of bullying from you then hopefully they’ll see it for what it is and give her the support she needs.

I worked with someone like this, remember being in a couple of meetings with her where she kicked off at our manager and it was so uncomfortable! She got managed out in the end. I wouldn’t worry, you have plenty of witnesses to back you up

You handled it badly. There's a time and place when humour can lighten a mood. Using it to minimise another person's strong emotions (whether they are appropriate or not) is never going to be that time. How would you feel if you'd spoken passionately about something and it had been sarcastically minimised and everyone had laughed? It is humiliating.
While I think bullying is not the right word (unless you have a habit of getting laughs this way) if you were my staff I'd be speaking to you about how to respond appropriately in these situations. Because while some people will indeed weaponsise emotion, giving them justification to be upset is only going to make that worse.

@Jinjer Unfortunately OP, your joke (which is what you believe you were making to "lighten the mood") was at your colleague's expense - she felt humiliated by everyone in the room laughing at her and that situation was created by you. I do understand that her reaction to the proposal was OTT and you weren't the only one in the room who was astonished by it, but her "rant" was an indicator of how strongly she felt about the proposal (and maybe work generally) and you belittled her feelings immediately after she'd finished venting and with an audience.
Unless this is a pattern of behaviour by you, I wouldn't personally view it as "bullying". However, ACAS' definition of bullying is "offensive, intimidating, malicious or insulting behaviour, an abuse or misuse of power through means that undermine, humiliate, denigrate or injure the recipient" and your response to your colleague's forcefully expressed view does seem to fit this definition.
Given that she's formally complained I would expect your employer to run the grievance process, but if they find in her favour (and assuming this is the only complaint ever made against you at work), I would expect your manager to give you 'words of advice' on how you might have handled her outburst better, maybe giving you a verbal warning at worst.

Workplace bullies always think the accusations against them are ridiculous. Always.

Think about that OP

Yes it can make for a really hostile work environment where colleagues are afraid to raise issues or ideas in case they get ranted at like that.

If I presented an idea and had a public reaction like that in response I’d feel quite humiliated.

This would be normal in my workplace. Someone feels very strongly about something and someone else will say something along the lines of 'stop sitting on the fence!' as a joke. I don't think this is banter or bullying and I don't think workplaces should be completely sanitised with no gentle teasing or jokes whatsoever as everyone questioning things before they speak is not a nice atmosphere.

I don't think you did anything 'wrong' but I think it was mis judged to make a jokey comment to a colleague who seems a bit unhinged in general and very high conflict. If theyre known for making conflict out of nothing I'd think it was better to keep all interactions as brief and as bland as possible.

And sometimes the accusations really are ridiculous.

I’m sure I’ve not been the only person who has been subject to a vexatious complaint of bullying (although in my case it was a counter grievance).

What a position to be put in .

If she has form for this, going off on one, and then formal complaints if anyone says anything then actually she is the cry-bully. If you had said “You seem very exercised by this, shall we take it off line?” You would be bullying through patronizing, if you had said “I’ll mark you as No then.” that wouldn’t have been good enough either.

She has had her say, at length, and apparently at some volume. And additionally wants to control the narrative about how it is received. That will be a no, if she wants to use clear and direct language, that’s fine, but other people are then allowed to use it straight back to her, and that’s not bullying.
I’m assuming the matter is innocuous, so that ultimately you and your managers aren’t actually required to bend the knee the her rant.

OP you asked how people would feel about a proposal. She told you how she felt. Then you took the piss out of her. You absolutely deserve to be reprimanded for this. Can you really not see how unprofessional you were? Even if she has form for ranting about everything, in a group meeting setting she has to be treated respectfully.

For something to be bullying it needs to be repeated behaviour. If this is the first such comment you've made then it can't be bullying.

Yes that’s fine but you need existing trust to do this and for it to land. You need to read the room and OP has not.