I’ve been accused of bullying - ridiculous

[Jinjer]

At work on Friday we were holding a meeting and I asked how people would feel about a specific proposal …

Most people either said yay or nay so to speak but one woman went absolutely nuclear, ranting on and on about how it was a terrible proposal and she’d never support it, drawling parallels to other things in place that she disagrees with, raging on about how terrible it all is and how sick of it all she is etc! Everyone was a bit gobsmacked so to lighten the mood I said “so, can I put you down as a maybe?”

Everyone laughed. She didn’t. She got up and stormed out. I now hear she has complained to the manager about me humiliating her and wants it treated as bullying??!

WIBU?! Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

you didn’t react in a professional way. You humiliated her in a roomful of people - that wasn’t a place for sarcasm.

How can you put her down as a "maybe" when she was clearly against it?! I get that you were trying to be be lighthearted, but it was a professional environment and people were being asked "yay" or "nay" , she clearly said "nay" but you thought you would override her " nay" and make that a "maybe"? And in doing so you humiliated her by making everyone laugh at her. I suspect this might not have been the first time that you've done similar. If you have a track record of this then it needs to be addressed by your manager. You could have just said " that's a firm 'no' from you then", why did you try and change her 'no' to a 'maybe'? It doesn't sound funny at all.

Yes you bullied her. Your behaviour is separate to hers. She was not professional but that does give you a pass to be that way back. Being belittled then laughed at by a room full of colleagues would be awful. You should have remained composed after her rant, that would be the professional thing to have done. Accept that you did get it wrong, provide you reason (things felt tense and you misjudged how to lighten the mood) and take the outcome they give you with grace. Assuming this reallt is a one off and you aren't normally like this, it will be seen as an isolated incident. Dig your heals in and you will come across as a bully.

It’s definitely not bullying but she must have felt humiliated and potentially sensitive about whatever the proposal was to have got so upset.

The thing is bullying is about impact not intent.

She clearly behaved in an OOT, maybe even unprofessional, way but saying "can i put you down as a maybe?" Was sarcastisic and publically embarassing her. You know what you were doing, you were trying to make her reaction a joke.

She might have responded badly but she was clearly emotional. And you could have spoken to her privately later. You could have moved the conversation but instead you made a joke at her expense.

Im not saying i dont understand that in your head you probably thought some variation of "OMG overreaction" im sure i would have. But i can see why your "joke" went down like a lead balloon with someone clearly feeling emotionally volitile. And she has a right to put in a complaint.

And as someone who acts a decision maker in these types of cases, id say there was grounds for a case to answer to.

Honestly, id go with honesty. You misread the room, tried to lighten the tone after she was behaving in a OOT and displaying a negative attitude thinking it would make things better. But in hindsight you recognise how that may have been percieved as upsetting to her and are sorry.

Its better for you to quietly and quickly apologise

Colleague shouldn't be bringing that kind of over-emotional energy into the workplace or dominated the meeting with it. It's absolutely draining to work with people like this, and everyone panders them to avoid this kind of situation.

OP made a light comment trying to dial it down a notch - imagine how everyone else in the meeting felt.

This.

Sound like she was OTT but you went for the laugh rather than take it seriously.

She obviously feels v strongly about it so probably found it no laughing matter.

She obviously takes this issue very seriously.

for me it’s not bullying as it’s not repeated but it was a very risky thing to do to someone so clearly worked up.

I can see why she has complained.

(I’m disabled and I’ve had stuff sprung on me in staff meetings. I’ve learnt to keep my mouth shut and raise it politely afterwards - eg I know you said the toilets are shut for refurb but actually I can’t access the alternatives, it isn’t acceptable for me not to have a loo so can you sort this please?)

This. She's clearly upset about the proposal and your response was to make light of her concerns rather than acknowledging them and suggesting a separate conversation. That's poor management.

Both of you are in the wrong.

She expressed her feelings in a way that wasn't professional and she should have moderated herself.

But you belittled and made fun of her over something she clearly feels very strongly about. And the last line of your post above "all she had to say was no" - I think you know that's disingenuous, you put her in a position where saying that would have made her look silly.

You don't say if you're senior to her, if you are then you were very unprofessional. If not then you were merely rude.

That does not make her response invalid though, does it?

I'd apologise to her if I were you. Then get into why she feels so strongly. This is unlikely to be solely work related. Listen fairly to what she says. You marginalised her views she has a right to be angry with how you treated her so it is bullying.

It’s definitely not bullying but it sounds like she has something going on, was extremely upset at your suggestion and is overreacting to whatever you suggested.

Is she normally like this ?

does “dignity at work” still apply? If this has happened before she might have some kind of case but it won’t have any serious consequences. Not yet. It all depends on your history with her.

I would be very careful with a volatile character like this. An apology could give her ammunition.

You are hardly the most objective on this scenario OP

I thought your response was funny and an attempt to lighten the mood.
You didn’t embarrass her, she did that all by herself! Jeez, why are people so uptight these days.

I don't know why the latter posters are accusing OP of bullying. "Is that a maybe/no/yes" is a very well-known, rather gentle and diffusive reaction to someone being overdramatic about something that doesn't warrant it and a normal person would laugh sheepishly and agree that they were a bit over the top.

Being the overdramatic one by shouting angrily in a meeting, flouncing AND trying to get the person who said it in trouble is malicious - and bullying ironically.

You asked for opinions and someone vehemently disagreed with you. Instead of trying to diffuse the situation with a suggestion to consider her opinions and maybe continue the conversation outside of the meeting, you went for a cheap laugh. Imagine you were very cross about something OP and the person you were trying to explain this to kept saying no one else agrees with you and then made a joke at your expense. You are hardly going to go quietly are you. She behaved unprofessionally but so did you. If you are senior to her then this is not a great look for you as a manager.

Your response indicates you can be lacking in self awareness. Which leads me to believe there’s other things that have happened.

Whilst I would’ve found what you said funny, it seems you’re in a position of authority & therefore your role isn’t to provide a laugh at someone’s expense. (Everyone laughed, she felt humiliated - Intention doesn’t always = outcome).

A more appropriate response would’ve been to acknowledge this persons concerns & offer some time on the side to go through them.

If it's a one-off, it's not bullying imo, but it was a very inappropriate way to address her concerns. As is the use of "ranting", "raging" and "absolutely nuclear" imo.

And your flippant comment about putting her down as "a maybe" was snarky and unpleasant and quite probably made her feel that you had no intention of taking her concerns seriously.

When someone expresses genuine and strongly held concerns about something and their manager takes the piss out of them, that manager is basically saying "I don't give a fuck what you think". It's especially bad when it's done in front of colleagues and humiliating for the person on the receiving end.

I'm retired now, but this would not have been acceptable in any working environment I've been in since the early 1980s.

I wouldn’t class this a bullying unless there’s history there you haven’t mentioned. You did take the piss out of her with your response, but I understand why you did it. It doesn’t sound like you meant it in the way she has interpreted. I suspect she realised she had overdone it, felt embarrassed and decided to try and make you pay. I would just work with HR to find a resolution.

I am going to make a guess that this proposal impacts her workload the most. I have been in millions of meetings where someone brings in a new process or idea that they think is great from their perspective but impacts the work and outcomes of others in ways they haven't thought about.

You weren't bullying. You and your colleague both need training on Difficult Conversations or Handling Workplace Conflict. You need to be more collaborative and inclusive when coming up with new proposal.

I think years ago I would have had the same response as you. However over time, with training etc I can see how its backfired and would have said something along the lines of ' I can see you feel really strong about this, would it be ok to chat after the meeting, we can put the idea on hold for now. '