Page 10 | I’ve been accused of bullying - ridiculous

Jinjer · 2025-10-26T08:32:18+00:00

At work on Friday we were holding a meeting and I asked how people would feel about a specific proposal … Most people either said yay or nay so to speak but one woman went absolutely nuclear, ranting on and on about how it was a terrible proposal and she’d never support it, drawling parallels to other things in place that she disagrees with, raging on about how terrible it all is and how sick of it all she is etc! Everyone was a bit gobsmacked so to lighten the mood I said “so, can I put you down as a maybe?” Everyone laughed. She didn’t. She got up and stormed out. I now hear she has complained to the manager about me humiliating her and wants it treated as bullying??! WIBU?! Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

catlover123456789 · 26/10/2025 20:45

Her reaction, which appears to be a pattern, is more a case of bullying imo. Next time she kicks off someone needs to tell her to calm down. Unless you work in a sector where decisions made put people's lives at risk, she really needs to get some perspective.

WhitePudding · 26/10/2025 20:46

She may be teetering on the edge in her personal life. When you are low anyway, feeling your thoughts are not being heard then being the butt of a joke (as they possibly saw it) then it can tip you. I’d seek her out, apologise and go from there.

ProudCat · 26/10/2025 21:00

DBD1975 · 26/10/2025 18:35

No matter what her issues are and were it does not excuse her behaviour which was totally unacceptable.
We all use humour to diffuse difficult and stressful situations and I think the OP handled it as well as possible in the heat of the moment.
This will not have been nice for the rest of the team and the OP did well not to react at the time.

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Hmmm. The OP tells us that on Friday, presumably after a busy week at work, they gathered their team and asked them directly how they felt about a proposal.

As a manager, you don't ask people how they feel about a proposal because, oddly, you run the risk of someone telling you exactly how they feel. This is what happened here. The person was invited to share how they felt and they shared how they felt. This wasn't unprofessional of them. They were following the instructions of management.

The manager should've asked the person what they thought - this would've garnered a rational response. But they didn't. This tells me something about the manager, i.e. that they don't understand how to manage people. Further evidence for this then emerges from the sarky side comment designed to humiliate (or at least they should've realised it was a put-down) and the response to someone believing they're being bullied, i.e. dismissing it as 'ridiculous'.

I've worked with enough crappy managers in my time to completely get the other person's perspective on this. And incidentally, the definition of workplace bullying is 'to undermine an otherwise competent member of staff'. I suppose it all depends on whether you believe trying to get the rest of your team onside by isolating and laughing at a clearly overwrought colleague is undermining.

FolkWays · 26/10/2025 21:35

It isn't bullying (unless there's a missing backstory). If she complains about this as a one-off, she wouldn't have any case.

It sounds as if you're her peer or junior, if so, you shouldn't get any kind of flak for this. She has form for kicking off about things and taking over meetings, other people will have been glad of the relief.

If a feeble manager tries to put you on the hook for 'bullying', you say you were so intimidated by her extreme reaction you made a joke to escape the situation. Don't apologise.

If you're senior but don't manage her and / or you were chairing the meeting, whatever is going on with her is way bigger than your joke, and you shouldn't be facing any formal sanction but accept it was a mis-fire joking about the rant.

If you were her manager, I assume you'd have known better than to be flippant with her / give her cause to complain and would know a lot more about how she's being managed than your OP suggests.

Northquit · 26/10/2025 22:25

If other people were ashen and upset then your attempt to lift the mood would have been welcomed.

It was a bit rude to her but she had just behaved appalling being belligerent and pushy.

Barryana · 26/10/2025 22:42

Sounds like she was upset about the issue. Maybe it had been tried before and caused problems? Were you not interested to find out?

Chinsupmeloves · 26/10/2025 22:43

Randomer75 · 26/10/2025 20:27

To whom though? And are you quite sure?
That nodding is assent that how she spoke is an acceptable way for her to speak to OP and to colleagues.

What about the others in the room who fear conflict and find it traumatizing. Are you being kind to them? What about a junior person who might want to speak up and knows it is going to put her in opposition to the drama llama so they make themselves smaller, and contribute less so that the woman in question can have more of the space and attention.

’kindly’ nodding, actually does no-one any favors in the long run. It destroys teamwork and team effectiveness because having to communicate with someone who might explode at you is frightening and people end up minimizing contact with her (which will inevitably be positioned as the team bullying her).
As someone who inherited a team with a few exploders, I would be fairly direct about how we communicate with people and how to constructively voice disagreement.

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I meant, along with the words I'm listening, to diffuse the situation. When someone is ranting the best way is to acknowledge and take it up later in a less public setting. The same in any line of work with all ages; Ok I hear you thank you, then move on. Their input is valid to them and she clearly felt very emotional so to make fun of her in front of everyone, some of whom will feel the same way but dare not voice it, is unprofessional also.

Chinsupmeloves · 26/10/2025 22:56

Randomer75 · 26/10/2025 20:27

To whom though? And are you quite sure?
That nodding is assent that how she spoke is an acceptable way for her to speak to OP and to colleagues.

What about the others in the room who fear conflict and find it traumatizing. Are you being kind to them? What about a junior person who might want to speak up and knows it is going to put her in opposition to the drama llama so they make themselves smaller, and contribute less so that the woman in question can have more of the space and attention.

’kindly’ nodding, actually does no-one any favors in the long run. It destroys teamwork and team effectiveness because having to communicate with someone who might explode at you is frightening and people end up minimizing contact with her (which will inevitably be positioned as the team bullying her).
As someone who inherited a team with a few exploders, I would be fairly direct about how we communicate with people and how to constructively voice disagreement.

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To add, hearing a colleague upset is traumatising, really? My word, is that an example of trauma now? A raised voice in a meeting not directed at them? My word...

jbm16 · 26/10/2025 23:03

5128gap · 26/10/2025 10:29

You handled it badly. There's a time and place when humour can lighten a mood. Using it to minimise another person's strong emotions (whether they are appropriate or not) is never going to be that time. How would you feel if you'd spoken passionately about something and it had been sarcastically minimised and everyone had laughed? It is humiliating.
While I think bullying is not the right word (unless you have a habit of getting laughs this way) if you were my staff I'd be speaking to you about how to respond appropriately in these situations. Because while some people will indeed weaponsise emotion, giving them justification to be upset is only going to make that worse.

The problem is we all know people like this, they have already humiliated themselves, they build reputation for being difficult, lose respect and people automatically switch off, roll eyes as they know what is coming.

I'm not sure I would have said it, but not sure it's as bad as some people are trying to make out either, seems it's not possible to have any humour in the office place anymore.

Barryana · 26/10/2025 23:22

jbm16 · 26/10/2025 23:03

The problem is we all know people like this, they have already humiliated themselves, they build reputation for being difficult, lose respect and people automatically switch off, roll eyes as they know what is coming.

I'm not sure I would have said it, but not sure it's as bad as some people are trying to make out either, seems it's not possible to have any humour in the office place anymore.

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Humour at someone's expense makes you lose respect, not just with that person, but others watching.

Barryana · 26/10/2025 23:25

If you wanted no opinions, just yes or no, why not do an outlook poll?

notthisagain2025 · 27/10/2025 00:32

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 10:39

Mumsnetters slaver and dribble with glee at the thought of calling OPs a bully, and fall all over one another to be more regressive, oops I mean progressive than each other, for any reason at all or none.

Obviously, you were berated by an ill tempered, unprofessional nutter, but instead of bursting into tears or letting her shit all over you as she had planned, you made a bit of a joke, and when her bullying didn't work she marched off in high dudgeon.

And mumsnetters really really hate it when anybody reacts in a way that is less than that of a sainted angel. You were subject to a deeply unprofessional rant, and reacted like a normal, decent human being to that.

It's abundantly clear you didn't bully her. In fact, well done for reacting lightheartedly, that's precisely the right tone to take with her horrible behaviour.

Edited

Again, well done OP. The best way to treat a bullying, hysterical nutbag at work is to be light hearted about her horrible behaviour.

Under no circumstances are you obliged to treat loonies with the seriousness they demand.

Your work mates would have been delighted and relieved that you broke the tension she caused and didn't kowtow to her nasty behaviour.

3luckystars · 27/10/2025 00:49

What about the other people in the room, her ranting outbursts may have upset them too, The loudest, most aggressive person shouldn’t take priority.

DressOrSkirt · 27/10/2025 04:24

What was the proposal?

If it was that trans women use the women's toilets I think most people would be voting differently than they have.

Sevenamcoffee · 27/10/2025 07:25

OP has not said whether they are peer, junior or senior to the woman. It does make a difference on how this should be viewed. If OP is a manager, I’d assume not a very experienced one as this was not handled with particular skill. But that’s ok because people learn. Whatever way you look at this the joke was intended to diffuse by making the ranting person the butt. This was never going to land with someone who was upset in this way.

If someone is inappropriately ranting in a meeting the chair needs to try to contain it by saying it’s not for the meeting but can be discussed afterwards, or something along those lines. If you anticipate this happening it’s good to set ground rules for the meeting in the first place.

Randomer75 · 27/10/2025 08:35

Chinsupmeloves · 26/10/2025 22:43

I meant, along with the words I'm listening, to diffuse the situation. When someone is ranting the best way is to acknowledge and take it up later in a less public setting. The same in any line of work with all ages; Ok I hear you thank you, then move on. Their input is valid to them and she clearly felt very emotional so to make fun of her in front of everyone, some of whom will feel the same way but dare not voice it, is unprofessional also.

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mmm [nodding head slowly with a little bit of a head tilt]. That's a very interesting perspective, I wonder if you think it might be possible that some brittle/upset/angry people could perceive that as mocking and belittling them, perhaps using the words "patronising" and "bullying"? You may have come across those who find the method you are proposing as "fake" and "untrustworthy", did you find any clues in the OPs posts that this individual may be one of them?

Of course it is always easy to know after the fact what someone else should have done in the moment, particularly if you get to assign the intent of their actions.

Oldwmn · 27/10/2025 09:48

Barryana · 26/10/2025 22:42

Sounds like she was upset about the issue. Maybe it had been tried before and caused problems? Were you not interested to find out?

In that case, she ought to have said 'We've tried this before & it didn't work' + given example. Just throwing your toys out the pram & then whining when you get your leg pulled never works. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to be serious.

HevenlyMeS · 27/10/2025 11:00

Yes immensely true 💚

katepilar · 27/10/2025 11:21

Namechangerage · 26/10/2025 09:55

It’s understated sarcasm. It’s funny.

It’d be like you telling your friend how much your neighbour annoys you and they reply “So you’re a big fan then?”

It’s very common in British humour - sort of a self-deprecating sarcasm. If you’re British I’d be quite surprised if you haven’t come across that!!

The only issue here was that the colleague is obviously going through some kind of issues so it was a bit ill-timed.

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Thanks for explaining. No, I am not British and didnt think of that.
I dont find many jokes funny in my own language/culture but at least get that it was ment to be funny.

DBD1975 · 27/10/2025 15:41

ProudCat · 26/10/2025 21:00

Hmmm. The OP tells us that on Friday, presumably after a busy week at work, they gathered their team and asked them directly how they felt about a proposal.

As a manager, you don't ask people how they feel about a proposal because, oddly, you run the risk of someone telling you exactly how they feel. This is what happened here. The person was invited to share how they felt and they shared how they felt. This wasn't unprofessional of them. They were following the instructions of management.

The manager should've asked the person what they thought - this would've garnered a rational response. But they didn't. This tells me something about the manager, i.e. that they don't understand how to manage people. Further evidence for this then emerges from the sarky side comment designed to humiliate (or at least they should've realised it was a put-down) and the response to someone believing they're being bullied, i.e. dismissing it as 'ridiculous'.

I've worked with enough crappy managers in my time to completely get the other person's perspective on this. And incidentally, the definition of workplace bullying is 'to undermine an otherwise competent member of staff'. I suppose it all depends on whether you believe trying to get the rest of your team onside by isolating and laughing at a clearly overwrought colleague is undermining.

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Being asked her you feel about something by management is excellent and shows collaborative working and a flat structure.
Responding in a manner which is rude and confrontational is unacceptable and
shows poor and disrespectful behaviour (in my opinion).
I have worked with enough poor managers and managed enough people (who don't know how to behave) to also know the situation from both sides.

MumChp · 27/10/2025 16:04

Her reaction wasn't great but yours was aimed at her to make people laugh. It's mean.

Barryana · 27/10/2025 18:27

Oldwmn · 27/10/2025 09:48

In that case, she ought to have said 'We've tried this before & it didn't work' + given example. Just throwing your toys out the pram & then whining when you get your leg pulled never works. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to be serious.

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How do we know she didn't?