I’ve been accused of bullying - ridiculous

[Jinjer]

At work on Friday we were holding a meeting and I asked how people would feel about a specific proposal …

Most people either said yay or nay so to speak but one woman went absolutely nuclear, ranting on and on about how it was a terrible proposal and she’d never support it, drawling parallels to other things in place that she disagrees with, raging on about how terrible it all is and how sick of it all she is etc! Everyone was a bit gobsmacked so to lighten the mood I said “so, can I put you down as a maybe?”

Everyone laughed. She didn’t. She got up and stormed out. I now hear she has complained to the manager about me humiliating her and wants it treated as bullying??!

WIBU?! Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

Well if anyone was trying to bully anyone I'd say it was her.

From her POV there is more to this than you have said.

She sounds over the top, but your response was taking the piss out of her in front of others. So not nice.

You were obviously aware that the staff member was highly emotional about this issue. I think your comment, though probably just an attempt to diffuse the situation, was poorly judged and you should apologise for it. It would have been very shaming for the staff member to have everyone laugh at her. This does not amount to bullying though, which involves an ongoing/recurring pattern of behaviour.

I can’t really imaging what else she would add to it given the chance. Most people in the room were fine with the proposal, those that weren’t simply said so - she was the only one that went off on one about it.

I’d make sure you write down everything that occurred in the meeting and maybe even before if relevant. before you forget so that you have notes for HR. Including her reactions, which sound unprofessional.

I would have responded the same as you OP. It’s called diffusing the situation with humour. No you weren’t taking the piss out of her and it isnt bullying. You have all the witnesses in the meeting to back you up with HR. The real issue is her unprofessional response to your proposal and whatever the underlying issues are as there is obviously something going on.

What’s the history of your relationship with her?

If she was going to go on a ride and unprofessional rant in the middle of a meeting, and then be childish enough to walk out, she should expect that she won’t always get a response she likes.

She sounds like a nob. There will be some people who no doubt come on here and say you were bullying/taking the piss etc, but the vast majority of well adjusted individuals would have taken that how it was intended- a light hearted joke to break the tension following a boring ass work meeting!

Unless there is more to it, YANBU.

Also ironically it sounds like if anything she was bullying- going nuclear about a proposal you mad in front of everyone rather than politely saying no- isn't that humiliating? 🤷

Also bullying is a pattern of behaviour. Not a one off joke that doesn't land well, FFS.

When someone reacts with a 8/9/10 response when the general reaction has been a 3/4/5 - it’s safe to assume something else is going on for that person.

when you said “I’ll put you down for a maybe” they felt unheard and belittled

It isn’t bullying (overused in the main). But it was clumsy.

The response should have been “you clearly feel strongly about this as a no, id like to understand more about the issues you’ve raised, can we discuss this in more detail later.”

Objectively speaking, you made fun of her in front of a group of her peers. Whether you consider that bullying or not is immaterial, you just need to own it and make an apology to her and hope that’s the end of it. Of course whether it is or not will depend on how your manager perceives it.

It’s the kind of quip that would work on a sitcom but maybe not in real life if someone is genuinely angry/upset. I say that as someone who would say that kind of thing and not really get why it was inappropriate until much later (I’m autistic). I’d probably email her and just very briefly acknowledge that it wasn’t the right moment and apologise.

You defused the situation by making her the butt of a joke. That’s not bullying, as a one off.

There were other ways to handle it.
‘OK, Jane, that’s obviously something you feel very strongly about. I’ve made a note of your concerns and will give it some thought.’

Bullying is insidious and nasty. It is prolonged over time and takes advantage of individuals or groups perceived as weaker or inferior. This is not the case here.

tbh both of you were being unprofessional to differing extents. She was ineffective and inappropiate in her communication methods and you made her feel like an idiot, which is why she walked out. Lack of soft skills all round.

She was obviously out of order with her rant but you also responded in an inappropriate way.

A professional response would have been in the line of ''I understand that you feel strongly about this and your opposition to this proposal is noted. Now let's move this meeting along''.

Jokes and a sense of humour are often subjective and you need to be careful when using that at work. Your response made fun of her and suggested you were simply ignoring anything she had just said.

Not the most elegant handling but not bullying if it's a one off. Is she generally prone to drama a outbursts? If not I'd have been a bit concerned.

She made a fool of her herself and was very unprofessional ranting in the meeting but you took the p*ss out of her with your response, albeit you were trying to diffuse the awkward situation.

You both need to apologise.

I think you should also speak to HR about this person's unprofessional behaviour in the meeting. Let HR hear both sides.

I think it was badly timed. I'm assuming you're in a management/supervisory role?

Unreasonable or not, she was obviously super upset & your task in that moment was to calm her down, not make everyone laugh at her.

It's not bullying - assuming this kind of thing is a one off -but it wasnt professional.

You asked for people’s opinions. Just because others weren’t as vociferous as her doesnt mean you should have embarrassed her in front of everyone. You handled it very badly I’m afraid. She’s clearly got a reason for her outburst, your response could have been more sensitive - eg ‘I can see you’re not happy about this, we’ll have a look again at it when we’ve all had time to consider the proposal.’
Theres nothing worse for some people than to be presented with a new initiative in a staff meeting that takes you completely by surprise. Some people react by being silently seething but outwardly compliant, some people will enthusiastically agree because they don’t understand fully the implications, some will be cross because it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.
If I were you, I’d try to sit down with this person, listen to her concerns about your proposal and also apologise for your behaviour when embarrassing her in the meeting.

You made her the butt of your joke which was intended to lighten the mood. In the absence of this being a pattern between you both, it’s not bullying. But while her response was OTT, yours was immature and clumsy, whatever your intention. You both could have handled it more professionally.

She sounds very stressed. Are you senior to her? Maybe she needs some support rather than to be laughed at?

I guess she was hurt by the response as she didn't find it a laughing matter. But I still can't see where the 'bullying' comes in. I'd say just explain what was said and that it won't happen again and hopefully that will be the end of it.

You lightened the mood at her expense. Whether or not she was justified in her opinions (I don't know as you haven't given detail) it's not nice to feel you are the butt of a joke when in a group like that.

You lightened the mood at her expense. Whether or not she was justified in her opinions (I don't know as you haven't given detail) it's not nice to feel you are the butt of a joke when in a group like that.