I’ve been accused of bullying - ridiculous

[Jinjer]

At work on Friday we were holding a meeting and I asked how people would feel about a specific proposal …

Most people either said yay or nay so to speak but one woman went absolutely nuclear, ranting on and on about how it was a terrible proposal and she’d never support it, drawling parallels to other things in place that she disagrees with, raging on about how terrible it all is and how sick of it all she is etc! Everyone was a bit gobsmacked so to lighten the mood I said “so, can I put you down as a maybe?”

Everyone laughed. She didn’t. She got up and stormed out. I now hear she has complained to the manager about me humiliating her and wants it treated as bullying??!

WIBU?! Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

I’m curious to know what the proposal was to illicit such a response from her. (Though you’ll probably not say).

If someone ranted at me like that I would certainly take the piss - and much more harshly then the very mild thing the OP said

Bullying has to be intentional and sustained.
What you did was one off nasty. Belittling and embarrassing your colleague deliberately
Apologise. And be a proper manager and find out what's up.
It's not ridiculous. What you did was a poor choice.

This in spades.

She sounds like she’s got MH problems.

She clearly feels very passionately about this. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of her response (and that is hard to know as we only have your perception of it), your response to her difficulties with the proposal was to make a joke at her expense. This is not ok.

It may not have been your intention, but it is likely she felt humiliated and belittled. From her POV she has shared her concerns and been laughed at.

Two basic psychological needs are to be heard and to know where you stand. It's not surprising she is upset by your response.

Her rant was very OTT, all she had to say was “no”

And all you had to say was ‘Noted.’ Instead, regardless of intention, made matters worse.

On the face of it, your colleague can be hard work, and while I wouldn’t advocate pandering to prickly people, keeping things neutral and respectful would have been the professional thing to do.

Her going absolutely nuclear, really needs to be looked into by your HR.

Frankly she sounds scary and intimidating.

Lots of witnesses to this exchange so any investigation will be fairly straight forward

I actually think your response to such an OTT onslaught was ok……..what do people think you should have said?
She was acting very unprofessionally IMO and there was an element of bullying directed at you in the first place.

It depends. Some people have a lot to put up with in a workplace. They take it and take it until they explode. I work for myself but I bet this happens quite a lot these days where people are earning less in relative terms and doing more than is comfortable. For all we know other colleagues may have felt the same way but were too afraid to say anything.

It seems from what you have said and the reaction of suprise by your colleagues, that the woman has had a totally massive over reaction, especially if she has not said why she thinks your suggestion was a bad idea.

She is either dealing with a lot of stress in her personal life and venting at colleagues or she is unhinged.

Or both.

What ever the reason, she needs to be pulled up by someone senior to her because she could lower the morale of the work place.

Lots of people on this thread have given examples of what the OP could have said instead 😂

Ok, we don't know the proposal or her objections so we have no idea is she was being 'over dramatic'.

The OP also does not say she was shouting angrily. And even if she was, responding to an angry shouting person with a joke at their expense is unlikely diffuse a situation.

And what is this 'normal' person you speak of?

What is she normally like? Is this out of character for her? Does the course of action that you were proposing affect her disproportionately?

Is her complaint being taken forward?

It does seem like an overreaction to a joke that landed badly. If you are senior to her, she may have found your comment a bit humiliating but her accusation of bullying seems extreme.

There was nothing wrong with what you said in terms of the phrasing, neither is it bullying.

However, when you can see that someone is in a heightened state of emotion as your colleague was, it was ill judged to make a joke about it. You surely would have known that wouldnt have gone down well.

Its absolutely not bullying but to be honest, I think both of you need to look at how you relate to people at work and adjust your approaches accordingly.

Neither of you behaved particularly professionally here.

Just want to say that when women professionals disagree or contradict the prevailing mood, they are often called emotional, ranting, raging, hysterical and accused of 'going nuclear.'

I remember - casually and calmly - asking a peer for the 98th time about what he was spending the budget (I was accountable for) on and he said 'why are you so emotional about this?'

I actually think your response to such an OTT onslaught was ok……..what do people think you should have said?
I suggested earlier that the op could have said 'I can see you feel really strong about this, would it be ok to chat after the meeting, we can put the idea on hold for now. ' Other posters have made good suggestions as well.

Personaly, I don't think people sudden explode. I think there has been a massive build up, possibly either unseen or ignored by OP and this was the final straw for her.
I agree its not great or professional of her to react like that , but you never know whats going on. The woman has then been ( albeit unintentionally) mocked in front of her peers. It probably felt like a pile on.

Let's hope you're not a manager or any kind of leader then. You definitely don't have the right attributes.

So are you saying it was ok for HER to go nuclear?

I think OP diffused the situation extremely well and took the other poor members of staff who had to witness her unhinged behaviour, into consideration by thinking on her feet very quickly.

For me, there isn't enough context to reach an informed decision on it. I know there's only so much the OP can disclose on a public forum but it would be interesting to know:

• is this a one-off from the person who ranted, or is it part of a pattern of their behaviour in the workplace? Yes, it was unprofessional of that colleague to rant and leave in that way, but was it typical or uncharacteristic of how they usually conduct themselves?
• the status of the OP in relation to the colleague who ranted (i.e are they senior to them?) and whether or not there is any "history" between them in that workplace.

Very badly handled by you. You don't joke about someone when they are clearly distressed by something however much their distress seems like a complete over-reaction. (Which it did, and it's fine to have a laugh in private or when you are moaning to your husband or friend how high maintaince some of your team are!, but not in front of the person and their colleagues.)

The appropriate response would have been to acknowledge her concerns in neutral terms and set a time to discuss them in private, not to minimise those concerns in front of the whole team.

The rant sounds unreasonable- every behaviour has a function - there is something else being communicated here.

Bit I don’t think that gives you the right to humiliate her. An professional and emotionally intelligent response would not have added to someone’s distress - as unpleasant as she was in her rant.

You can be professional and empathetic towards others whilst not agreeing with them

100% agreed.

Id have said the same as you, i don't think deescalating a situation could be viewed as bullying!