To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

YABU. Get over it.

A friendship that lasted from age 11 to the end of secondary school doesn't sound that bad. You must have kept it going independent of your parents?

I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing. The bit that needs your attention is that your mum was alcoholic and abusive. The forced friendship is annoying and I don't blame you for questioning your parents' choices, but your response to that one thing seems disproportionate. Also, is there a reason why has this come up for you now? How old are you, OP?

Did you have loads of other close friendships that spending time with Anna pushed out? It sounds like your parents were being helpful in helping you make friends and learn to socialise.

I suspect you may be furious, hurt and sad about having an abusive alcoholic for a mother, rather than a 'forced friendship' betwixt you and Anna Taylor.

Did you have other friends?
Do you have difficulties with social interaction in general?

I cant put my finger on it but the tone of your posts is... odd?

Did your parents do this to help you have friends because you were struggling.socially.

Your response to "Anna" is also extreme/ unusual imo.... but Having those feelings about an abusive alcoholic mother.... totally understandable / normal. Perhaps theres some misdirection there....

Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

I have to say well done if this was the only person in your life that you didn't want or need. Have you not ever had colleagues?! It's pretty normal to mix with people with differing interests?

And yes, this: "The bit that needs your attention is that your mum was alcoholic and abusive. The forced friendship is annoying and I don't blame you for questioning your parents' choices, but your response to that one thing seems disproportionate."

Jesus how old are you? Let it go and move on.
Also you sound like you have ADHD or something else going on. Have you been diagnosed with anything?

How old you now OP?

You need to work on your definition of being violated.

I thought you were going to say Anna or her brother did something terrible to you. The fact that you’re furious about a childhood friendship all this time later is a bit weird. And I don’t think using the term ‘violated’ in this scenario is appropriate either.

If this is one of the worst things that happened in your childhood then you’re very lucky. Seriously, move on!

I agree with this.

Agree with pp, you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. You must have got on well enough with Anna for her to want to pursue the friendship for so long. Seems a weird thing to be so angry about years later though.

"Violated"? Come on now! Huge over-dramatisation.

Presumably you didn’t have to be friendly with her at school if you didn’t want to.

Did you ever say "No, I’m not very keen on Anna and I’ve arranged to meet my friend Jane on Saturday"?

Did you have other friends? Is it possible that either you or Anna had difficulty making friends and both sets of parents were trying to stop one or both of you being isolated?

If your mother was an alcoholic it seems likely that that was the real problem.

@Overlenders
Feeling “furious” is an extreme reaction to something the majority of people would consider almost run of the mill.
If you are quite a young adult, and are coming to terms with being raised by an alcoholic parent, then I can understand you expressing the anger, but this particular situation is not what you should be working through.

And to be honest with you, fixating on this issue makes you sound like someone who might say they feel violated because they didn’t consent to having their nappy changed, and you lose credibility.

Your childhood doesn't sound the best but "violated"????

I don’t know what to make of this at all. Your level of vitriol at this poor girl sounds wildly disproportionate. Have to agree with PP that this anger seems misplaced. Unless there’s going to be an enormous dripfeed that she did something terrible to you, YABU.

Eh? So because she asked you to the cinema and another day your mum said to go to her house… you were now forced to be friends with her forever? Wtf are you talking about? Why are you describing the initial meeting like it was an arranged marriage?

You sound like a bit of a spoilt princess, to be honest.

Well no - we didn’t keep it going ‘independent’ of my parents because there was one time - I was 15 and she was 14 - and our cars passed each other. Anna waved to me and I ignored her cis I’d had enough of her tbh .. my Dad then said

“it’s important that you and Anna keep in touch”

FFS WHY!! I think trying to force a 15 year old into a friendship with someone they’ve shown signs they CLEARLY don’t like is nothing short of appalling !

Yes it was sort of - after the first couple of meetings it was expected to be an ongoing thing

Have you had any help with tje fact thatbyour childhood was difficult, with an abusive mother op? Xx

I wonder if the anger is misplaced due to your mums alcoholism. Did you have other friends? Were they trying to help as they thought you needed a friend?

🤷🏻‍♀️

You didn’t need to keep hanging out with her