To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

Ok. So what did you do that made her describe you as selfish? It’s a fairly descriptive word to describe behaviour that would benefit you but negatively impact her.

She called me selfish cos generally speaking she didn’t think I socialised enough

Ok. So how did that impact her?

I take it that by your not socialising it meant she never got any peace/space at all from you and craved it?

No that’s the thing - it didn’t impact her

i was the type of kid who loved just watching TV and reading and could easily amuse myself

Then it seems a strange choice of word.

what I was trying to get at in this detail in to minutiae, is I think the way for you out of this is not cast 100% of the blame in your mothers direction, but rather think through your own part too.

Yes I agree it seems a strange choice of word

Your mother was trying to teach you a valuable life lesson here. It’s weird to keep phoning someone when they’ve already said no. That’s like stalking someone. It sounds like you have difficulties reading the room. And it sounds like your mum was trying to help you see that. It didn’t develop as a result of your mum. Your mum was trying to help you. It could very well be that she was not great at parenting and didn’t give the amount of attention she should have to help you, but she was 100% right to tell you to stop ringing this girl.

Yes I TOTALLY agree it was wrong of me to keep ringing this girl. BUT the issue here is my mum wouldn’t let me say no and forced me with other kids. So I learned from my mum that friendships were something done out of obligation and not cos you actively wanted to do them. So I phoned this girl 4 times simply because if I’m forced into friendships and not allowed to say no - then other people are exactly the same!

Op, a few people have asked you whether you have therapy to help you work through this. You havn’t answered but I’m guessing the answer is no, as you are clearly consumed by details of things that happened more than 40 years ago and you are not reflecting upon the situation, just laying all the blame on your mum. You really should get therapy, just to help you move on and not let this consume your life. The way you’re focussing on all the details of how your mum was a bad mum is not doing you any good. You need to find find a way of accepting that this is something that happened and it was in the past. As horrible as the experience was for you. You still have another 30 or more years to live. Do you really want to continue being consumed by something that happened more than 40 years ago? You need to shift your focus towards what you have now. You have 2 children. Hopefully you managed to raise them differently. Hopefully you have a good relationship with them. Hopefully you have a loving partner and a healthy marriage (or are a happy single). Hopefully you have a few friends who are dead to you. If you don’t have all of that, work on achieving that. That isn’t going to happen by being consumed by your horrible childhood.

Yes fair enough .. and

no, I haven’t had therapy

I’ve asked you twice if you’ve had therapy and you’ve finally answered someone else who asked.

You need to get yourself in to therapy asap.

You are holding onto a lot of negative and u healthy feelings.

You deserve to free yourself of those and live your life.

Op lots of posters have taken time to explain the reasons why your mum might have acted the way she did but every time you reply you accept the response then say BUT, until you accept you are now 53 and to still be going over conversations more than 40 years ago is not normal your life will never change.
You’ve said your DP’s are now dead so you are not going to get the answers for their behaviour from them.
To still have this much hatred towards Anna Taylor is beyond bizarre

It sounds like the issues wasn't so much about Anna as a difference of opinion about the importance of socialising. I actually think it is good that she pushed you to do some socialising as otherwise you would have missed out on a lot of social skills if you were just at home reading and watching tv.

This has nothing to do with Anna and has everything to do with your chaotic upbringing. You have held onto some unhealthy thoughts for 40 odd years, time for therapy OP, what do you think? The use of the word “ violated” has been massively overused OP, you need to look up the meaning and some who have experienced severe trauma of varying types, might find your use of this term, offensive.

Anna had a nice life in your eyes. She was a doctors daughter and her mum was a SAHP. She didn’t have to sort her alcoholic mother’s crap out , but you did. Maybe you were jealous? Maybe your dad wanted his w/c daughter to mix with the more “ middle classes “ because it “ looked good” on them?

My parents were both university educated lawyers

I think you’re partially right when you say the issue is the importance of socialising. HOWEVER, I think that socialising should’ve be forced otherwise what the kid learns is that socialising is something you do out of obligation

Before the forcing with Anna I was really enjoying going down the park with my school friends

OP you clearly have unresolved issues, but your parents are no longer here, so you just need to move on with your life. In your 50s with two grown up children? Focus on your life and theirs? I can’t understand why this matters so much to you.
Also why the constant mentions of class? Why does that matter?
Do you have a job? Good friends? Enough going on with your life that this fades into insignificance?
How is your relationship with your own kids?

When I was 16, I had my 13 year old cousin stay with me and we were both a big mean to Anna. She came down to call in on me - it was the school holidays - and instead of being welcoming to Anna, we froze her out to the extent that she felt so uncomfortable and had to leave.

My mum was in the other room but clearly wanted to know what happened because she said

“Anna was only here for 2 minutes”

she said this twice obviously thinking I’d follow up with an explanation

Although we ‘made up’ later, Anna said she was offended and called my cousin “evil”

OP, genuine question, what is the actual point of this thread? You are 53 years old. What are you hoping to achieve?

Jeez is this nonsense still running? OP, you’re either not a genuine poster or you’re mentally unwell, given the disproportionate impact this has had on your life. Step away from your phone and get some fresh air.

This is genuinely the most insane OP I have ever come across on mumsnet.

Ditto!

Why on earth have you never had therspy
to unpick your childhood and the real relationship issues at play your mother?

what is the relationship like with your children

Some people, and I include the OP in this, choose not to have therapy so they can remain in 'victim mode'. The OP sees herself as the victim, violated by Anna Taylor, thus minimising people who have been truly violated/traumatised/abused.

A later update (in this 'drip feed' thread) from the OP places the blame on Anna Taylor for having less time to read and watch TV, which demonstrates what utter bullshit this thread is. Less time to read and watch TV does not equal violation.

Claiming to be angry and violated by being friends with someone when you're 11 years old, some 40 odd years later, is minimising of others who have experienced real violation. People have given examples of their experiences of true violation in this thread, which have mostly been ignored by the OP.

IMO, Anna Taylor drew the short straw with this 'friendship'.

What was the point of sharing this? What feedback do you want on this story?

There are people on here who lived through horrific emotional, physical, and/or psychological abuse, every single day of their childhoods. We’re unlikely to use something like “I had to socialise with someone when I didn’t want to” as the key example of that abuse, because there are so many examples which would make it entirely insignificant by comparison. Most of us have had a lot of therapy and worked to move on with our lives, and you need to do the same.