To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

I think, like others, this is anger at your abusive mum generally, and the forced friendship with Anna is probably one of many things you are very justly still upset about.

Yes, it was highly unreasonable of your mum to force this friendship on you. I wonder if she was trying to compensate for her failings by introducing you to what she saw as a ''good" family?

Maybe, if you haven't already, you could benefit from joining a support group for people affected by a family member's alcoholism.

I hope you can find a way to process these feelings and find peace

Maybe your parents thought she was a positive role model for you. Maybe there was stuff going on in her life that you didn’t know about and your parents thought the friendship was a kind thing to do.

Best to let it go

Sometimes I do feel a bit pissed off about things my parents did that were either ridiculously harsh or just ridiculous.

I have become more understanding since becoming a parent myself and realising how we do get things wrong. I have a friend who I like but her DD is awful. I don’t want to not see my friend so have to grit my teeth a bit but I do feel guilty my own children have to put up with her child!

I hope you're never truly violated if this is your definition. Get some therapy to deal with your actual feelings about your mother.

Your example about ignorning the other girl in the passing car sounds odd. Are you autistic? I need to remind one of my autistic children to say hello to friends, and help encourage their friendships - they really struggle to know how to make friends so it needs modelled.

I'm sorry to hear your mum was an alcoholic. It is understandable to be angry about that, but it doesn't mean everything she did was automatically wrong.

It sounds like you’re aiming your (rightful) anger at the wrong situation.

You’re angry at your shitty parents and for the childhood they put you through not because you had a friendship with someone you weren’t overly fussed on.

You have a very disproportionate reaction to this and you sound very aggressive. You don’t even mention anywhere that Anna was ever unkind or nasty to you, just that you couldn’t be bothered to be around her.

And surely 95%+ of the time as a teenager you wouldn’t be around her? You didn’t have to hang out with her at school if you didn’t want to and you must have liked her enough for her not to get any vibes that you hated her. And you could still be friends with anyone else you wanted to additionally? Just sounds like Anna was a family friend that your parents wanted you to keep in touch with and go to the cinema with every now and again.

This isn’t even close to abusive or appalling. Loads of kids have to spend time with family friends, cousins, neighbours etc. that they may find boring every now and again. You might have a point if she was horrible to you or a bully but from your OP she sounds nice and that she liked your company. Poor girl.

I’m 53

Half term.

Sorry but it's bizarre you're dwelling on it all these years later. Unless you're 12 now?

So what that the cinema was shit. So what that you didn't want to be friends with Anna Taylor. I mean it doesn't sound like she actually did anything wrong.

Maybe you need to talk to a therapist as to still be focussing on this isn't really helpful.

I kind of get it. Your mum was abusive and clearly ruined any chance of a nice home life and then by forcing a friendship with someone she wanted you to be friends with (rather than someone you actually wanted to see and liked due to similar interests and personality) she was getting her claws into the part of your life that could be independent from her.

Did your dad ever say why it was important you and Anna kept in touch?

My mum was also abusive and controlling and very critical of my friends, she would try and push me away from people I cared about and towards people who she perceived to be "better" but we're pretty much universally snobs and knobheads. It's just another way to control and isolate you.

I think your anger is misdirected the "abusive alcoholic" and "agrressive moods" seem to be where you should actually direct your fury

So did you have to spend a lot of time with Anna Taylor?

I mean, it is really weird your parents forced the friendship. And unfair. Your parents sound like weirdos though.

Have you had counselling about it all?

How come you’re still not friends with Anna Taylor? After secondary school were you allowed to choose your own friends?

Em ok 😳 you seem dramatic! Maybe get some therapy

OP, this is so awful and I’m shocked at the responses you’ve had so far.

I thought I had it bad with being forced to be friendly with a cousin nearby but for you to have to put up with this forced friendship for 6 years is terrible.

You are absolutely right to feel angry. Ignore all the people on this thread who seem to have had an empathy bypass today. They likely don’t have any friends.

I would post in Relationships next time, people in AIBU take a delight in kicking someone when they’re down.

My mother also had a habit of dictating my friendships and it led to a lot of resent on my part and frankly at some point in my teen years I became a bad friend. Finally when I managed to move away to study I started from scratch with friendships chosen by me, it felt very freeing.

Looking back now, I can see my friends were actually (mostly) very decent kids, but I think the aspect of being forced on me made me resent everything and everyone.

I don’t think you’re wrong, but (just imo) YABU in being angry now? I would seek counselling to put it to bed, just because it’s not worth carrying it into adulthood.

This is absurd. Truly.

I would guess either she was very lonely and your parents were trying to help her form friendships (because they were friendly with her parents), or you were very lonely and they were trying to help you, or both. Did you have lots of other friends, if so Anna tagging along wouldn't have been much hardship and would have been a nice thing to do if she didn't have other friends. Was she also forced into the friendship or did she really like you? Children's play dates are often arranged between parents first and the friendships develop from there so there is really nothing unusual about how things started.

I assume there is no dark family secret involved.😈

“Violated”

It was FORTY YEARS AGO.

Sounds like a fairly standard old school childhood to me, ie being told what to do at all times! Yabu to be dwelling on this.

Parents often try and support their dc with new skills, including social skills. It may be they thought you needed more friends, or to be out and about away from the house more.

Perhaps when they thought you were dropping her age 15, they thought they were encouraging you to work at keeping relationships rather than letting them go through laziness or in a moment of irritation.

Neither of those things are bad in themselves.

Being insensitive to what you needed was a pity, but given your mother’s alcoholism pretty much inevitable.

So it could have been well intentioned and a good thing, it could have been well intentioned but a bad thing, or they could have been attempting to social climb through you. Hard to know, 40 years later.

I would suggest professional counselling to explore why this is still an issue for you at 53 op. Good luck 💐

I think it's quite disturbing that you have held onto this and are still furious about it.
Have you considered therapy to discuss your childhood at all? Might be worth looking into as I can't help but think you are focusing on this but it's perhaps something else that has left you somewhat damaged.

My mum wouldn’t let me get a Poly perm OR white stills when I was 14 and consequently I am livid. And she made me carry on at girl guides for way longer than I wanted because Maureen who ran it, was her friend’s sister. Same with Mass. “shift that face or I’ll give you something to moan about” every Sunday morning. Fecking cow.