To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

In the words of Elsa, let it go.

I find myself curious about Anna. Sounds like it was arranged for her as well. Are you in touch at all now?
I am in my late 50s. As a child I occasionally stayed with my Granny and she used to be concerned that I needed 'young' company. I didn't! Myself and a fellow victim Jane forced together. We didn't dislike each other but interactions a bit awkward. We both knew what was happening but played nice! Different to ops situation as happened only a handful of times.

Maybe your parents thought you cant make friends or that your friends are not very nice, and tried to help you by finding a "nice" girl for you to be friends with?

Do you have many friends now? TBH it sounds like you detest your childhood friend for some reason (is she more successful than you?) and now try to rewrite history to justify hating her/ not wanting to be friends anymore.

I thought you were going to say your 20s not 53.

your mums behaviour was the issue but you really need to dig deeper and stop clinging ont o making this friend

I guess the meaning of "violated" has been diluted a tad.

I agree with @FigAboutTheRules.

The issue is your mum’s alcoholism and abuse. And that you felt you had to do something you didn’t want to do (e.g. go to the cinema and develop a friendship with someone) because your parents and grandparents expected/told you to.

It sounds like you’re were too unconfident or afraid to exercise autonomy and say you didn’t want to. At 10 (and certainly as teenagers) most kids will be assertive when they don’t want to do something. Unless brought up in an authoritarian, controlling family where there’s an atmosphere (or even threat) you have to do as you’re told, without question or discussion.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you seek therapy. The ‘forced’ friendship has clearly affected you. Has it affected your approach to friendships and relationships as an adult?

Surely this still can’t bother you all these years later? Many of us have a cousin or neighbour we were almost forced to play with. For me it was my cousin - an only child who was a bully and a liar who was downright horrible to me. We had to include her in our games and it was so annoying but it was years ago. I think you have issues from your childhood you have t resolved. I don’t think you are focusing on the right thing for healing.

Most of us were encouraged/forced to socialise with children because our parents were friends or had a car pool arrangement or did childcare for one another, etc.
It was mildly annoying at times but not the end of the world. Most of our socialising happened at school anyway, where parents could not interfere.

Your story is not unique but it is odd that years later you still feel so strongly about it.

And you were up before 8am writing all that out because your parents committed the crime of.. checks notes wanting you to be friends with Anna, several decades ago?
Fucking hell. Even the part how you repeatedly went over how you don’t like films is like you’re obsessed with this nothingness/pretend ‘violation’.
Honestly, you need to get over this.

I think you need to get over this. It was 40yrs ago and to be fuming now is not a healthy reaction.

Must admit I started reading this thread fully prepared to empathise as I have controlling and manipulative parents… however I was waiting for the part where Anna was anything other than nice to you??
I mean, my mother (who I’m practically NC with at this point) tried to arrange some friendships for me back in the day, but I don’t hold it against her because nothing bad ever came of it!
Did you have other friends? It’s coming off like you didn’t want any friends at all and your mother was trying to solve that for you.
Believe me when I say I’m super sensitive to how parents treat their kids due to my own experiences with mine, but I’m struggling to see any wrongdoing here?
I think as PP have said your anger towards your mother’s alcohol abuse is being misdirected somewhat.
I think it’s fairly reasonable to want to help your own child have a friend if they don’t have any.

Has something triggered this op?
Hope you can get out and about today and change focus.

Anyone else feel slightly sorry for Anna Taylor? I always try to think “beyond repair, beyond care”, but suspect Anna Taylor isn’t the only issue. Have you had counselling?

You are entitled to the feelings you feel about the relationship you believe was forced by your parents.

Is counselling an option to help you explore why you feel angry and violated? Is it possible to open up a conversation with your parents about the friendship? (Assuming they are still around).

I think you can't have much going on if you're obsessing about this (absolutely not major or damaging situation) over 40 years later. Have you got some kind of mental health problem/learning difficulty/addiction that means you amplify these sorts of things?

From reading your posts this is what I’ve understood and the questions it brings up for me.

1. your childhood was marked by an abusive alcoholic mother and you had no siblings to share or make sense of the experience with

• What was your relationship with your father/grandparents like?

2) your family arranged a ‘friendship’ for you which they worked to get you to continue despite you not enjoying the person’s company and you judged them negatively.

• Did you have other friends? What did they think of this other friendship?
• Why do you think your family were so keen for you to have this friendship? Was it for you or her?

You need some counselling as it's 40 years ago .

We can’t control our feelings, so of course you are not unreasonable for feeling angry. Well done for naming it and being honest and I’m so sorry that so many people are telling you different

it sounds like there is probably a lot more underneath that anger than this as an isolated incident, with themes of lack of autonomy, intrusion, subservience and lack of respect for you. I wonder if you have kids the same age now and that has set you off

therapy could really help you unpack this if you wanted to but keep naming and exploring it if you need to

Wasn't this just of it's time?

The world wasn't child centric in the 80s and we did as we were told more.

My parent were/are lovely people but DBro and I had to be friends with their mates kids against our will at times. They weren't our cup of tea but everyone rubbed along okay and it's important to be able to get in with all different people in life, which Dbro and I now can.

Have you ever talked to therapist or counsellor about this? It's clearly still affecting you but the only person that's being hurt is you. If you find you can't let it go then seek some help.

I think you would benefit from some therapy to unpack these feelings.

I wonder if this is more indicative of you feeling powerless as a child generally.

Also was there a more sinister reason you needed to stay friends with this girl. It's very strange. Could your parents have been blackmailed into it?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think it's part of a much wider context of neglectful/controlling parenting by parents who were very focused on themselves.

My mum could be a bit like this with friendships, and I think people saying "but you didn't have to be friends with her at school" don't really appreciate the broader picture of parents who have been very controlling from birth onwards and how it just isn't possible to imagine that there might be bits of your life that they can't actually direct.

Violated?

I think maybe your anger is not really about this girl.

I wonder how Anna felt. Do you think she was "violated" by being forced to meet you?

Give yourself a shake and sign up for therapy.