To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

My parents forced me to to go out with our fucking creep of a neighbour when I was 14 and he was 38! You think you were violated?

Has something happened to you recently op for you to feel like this now?
On the face of it your parents sound like they were trying to make sure you weren’t lonely being an only child. Your reaction does seem extreme for your situation you have described.
You’ve said your DM was an abusive alcoholic, how has this shaped your adult life?
When I was a child yes I had to spend time with children who were children of my DP’s friends. We weren’t friends as such but doing things with them wasn’t traumatic and I certainly don’t feel violated 40 years later which makes me think there is something bigger at play here

Sounds like it was an excuse to get you out of the house because they were aware of how awful your home life situation with your alcoholic mother was.

You probably associate the friendship with the time in your life where you were realising that your parents were letting you down and that is why you have the misplaced upset about it. It’s easier to put your feelings on an outside force than on your parents.

Sounds like they thought you both needed a friend. Perhaps your parents thought she'd be a good influence and ease you into doing more common activities for a teenager like going to the cinema with friends.
Maybe her mum knew about the issues you had at home with your mum and was encouraging the friendship for that reason.

You weren't being unreasonable then
But now you're an adult, get over it

No I get it. Different but I was forced to babysit for people at 13,14 for friends of my
mum and I couldn’t stand the kids, absolute brats. Plus one of them was married to an Indian man, the house literally stank of cooking oil and spices and it turned my stomach and would
leave me stinking of it, and baths weren’t a daily normal thing yet, that was a Sunday thing back in the day so I was always scared I was stinking too. Then one of the pervy dads tried it on with me age 15 and I managed to get him away but I’ve grudged my mum putting me in this position ever since just so they can go to the bingo.

Hmm, I feel a bit sorry for poor old Anna Taylor, op. She probably wasn’t happy either. Don’t know why you didn’t say I don’t like her, or just ditched her as soon as the two of you were out at the cinema or whatever? You do seem disproportionately angry about this, is it more about loss of control, unhappiness as a child in general, etc. Either way, I would look to discuss this with a third party who would help you unpick things a bit.

Your mum was alcoholic. She pushed you having a secure friend and go to a nicer richer home.

Have you had other friends too or

I think Anna could have done with hanging out with someone much nicer than you OP.
The fact you're still raging about having to hang out with this poor girl all these years on says you're not very pleasant.

You're actually moaning about being told to wave at a friend nearly 40 years ago? You sound like Danielle Muscato!

How is Anna now?

Sounds like you have some unresolved trauma OP…but not caused by Anna Taylor. Honestly…this is very bizarre. Have you sought help over the years…had therapy? If not, then maybe now is the time.

@Overlenders if this is a genuine post, can I suggest you take yourself off to the Stately Homes thread in relationships. You'll find support there from people with experiences of childhoods like yours, who can help you to unpick what's going on. The AIBU board really isn't somewhere you will get support for issues like this.

For what it's worth, I have seen a lot of social climbing mums engineering their children's friendships, and I have rarely seen it result in a happy child. I think you are focussing in on Anna, but don't forget she was just a child too, being told what do do by her parents. You grew up with an alcoholic, and so your childhood was probably chaotic, scary, insecure, with poor boundaries and feelings of not being loved or your needs as a child met. It's highly likely that the helplessness and lack of love you felt because of your parents' behaviour is making you angry about the one of the few things we, as children, did (usually) have some control over - who our friends were. But there's an overall picture of an abusive situation you experienced because of your parents that needs addressing. Honing in on this one issue with Anna might be the key to unlocking a lot of past hurt, but it isn't going to be the only - or even the real - issue that's causing you distress.

Being an adult and still feeling the helplessness of a child is truly shit. I hope you get some help and (eventually) some closure.

This is a good point - if Anna’s mum knew about the situation with your mum, she may have been pushing the friendship to try to help you - get you out of the house, have you over for dinner etc, especially if they felt there was no point reporting to social services (a common attitude at the time).

From their side would it be ‘we had family friends with a dd the same age as ours and she doesn’t have many friends so we’re trying to encourage it?’ Absolutely standard, and lovely and considerate, parenting. The fact that you’re calling it ‘violating’ gives an indication of what it might have been like to parent you.

the alcoholic mother is far more of a valid reason to be hurt.

Are you in a difficult situation now OP? Although I do think it's important to go over past events to some degree, I think that when we're not in an ideal situation we try to find a reason for it and focus on the wrong thing.

I imagine your parents had good intentions with this friendship although there could have been some snobbery involved. My mum certainly thought that doctors were some sort of gods. Or perhaps they thought the family could offer some sort of security for you if anything happened to them.

It can take years to even recall what happened in childhood and the feelings around it take you back to being a child. and emotions that surface can be confusing, painful, shaming. It does sound like some support from other people who had an. abusive alcoholic parent would be helpful to you. On first reading I missed the info about your alcoholic parent so a quick read left me wondering why you felt violated.

Your dad and doctor probably thought it would be healthy for you to have a “good role model”. That doesn’t change the shock and feelings you are experiencing now years late as an adult. Please think about getting some confidential professional support.

Aye. Move on.

You are 53.
You need therapy.
You are furious about the wrong thing.
And in fairness, even in your post you come across slightly…off…ignoring her when she’s waving at you?
Maybe you’ve got issues with people/interpersonal behaviour and your parents were trying to help you form relationships? Maybe they were desperate for you to be what they perceive as normal? Just a punt…

Is anyone else feeling sorry for poor Anna?

Yes. I can just imagine what her side of the story is…

I think’ violated’ is out of context. Your Mum probably wanted you to have someone your age to share that stage of life with and have some normality while she was battling her demons.

YES. I actually think it was Anna that was forced to be in a friendship with an angry, problematic girl from an abusive family. They probably felt that she would be a good influence or a calm friend to give the girl some respite from a terrible childhood.

The fact her father was a church-going doctor makes a lot of sense. Lots of doctors who want their children to "experience" all facets of society. By the nature of their work, they tend to be more altruistic and empathetic than other high-earning jobs. Many doctors are open to the idea of their children being friends with disadvantaged kids and may go out of their way to arrange this.

Assuming that Anna and her parents are totally normal people and not part of a human trafficking or pedo ring, then it she was clearly the one who was told to be friends with OP

Like pp, I think you are focussing excessively on a fairly trivial problem, when the really serious problem was that your mother was alcoholic and abusive.

It may be possible for parents to force a friendship on 11-year-olds; but not iater in secondary school; you could have distanced yourself from her. Many people are 'forced' more into long-term contact with toxic relatives, from whom they cannot so easily distance themselves.

I have OCD and do have stop myself from ruminating over this kind of thing. A bit of me is still annoyed that my mum ruined a holiday for me by inviting the girl who used to be my friend when we were primary school age.

I'd planned a solo holiday. Like an idiot I acquiesced and agreed that my mum could accompany the friend to the travel agent to hand over my money for me.

When I got home from work, the destination that had been booked wasn't my first choice or my second choice - it was precisely the one that I'd said I didn't want.

However...I'm 65 now. Mum's been gone for 10 yrs. There's no point in getting my proverbial in a twist about it now. In actual fact, it did me some good - it taught me to have more of a backbone and the experience of being on holiday with the 'friend' confirmed for me that we were simply too unlike one another to gel.

It all sounds a bit weird.