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Original poster

To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

660 replies

tricerotopsrule · 25/10/2025 22:48

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

OP posts:
dimension2025 · 26/10/2025 02:16

So so many greedy people on here expecting to be paid for

ButtonMushrooms · 26/10/2025 02:21

It's lovely if you can and want to pay, but I wouldn't expect you to.

notatinydancer · 26/10/2025 03:01

@tricerotopsrulecan you afford it ? For 15 with drinks at £50 a head , you’re looking at £750. If you can it would be a nice gesture.

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 03:06

There is indeed a hard and fast expectation and that is that YOU pay. Yes, this is the expectation.

It is ok not to pay but you MUST MAKE IT CLEAR.

You write and say you'd love to do dinner for your 50th, can't afford to pay for everyone and that their gift will be them coming to dinner, no further gift wanted.

Pay no attention to anyone who pretends this is blurry, its not and you wil cause friction if you try to ignore that rule.

You pay or you make it very very clear from the start that they will be paying and that this is the gift.

Starconundrum · 26/10/2025 03:16

AgentPidge · 25/10/2025 22:52

A party at your home or a hall, you pay. But at a restaurant, everyone pays for themselves, in fact IMO it would be normal for everyone to cover the birthday girls' meal. I would certainly not expect someone to pay for 15 people in a restaurant. That's ridiculous. You could put some wine on the table though.

Edited

This is my experience too.

LillyPJ · 26/10/2025 03:22

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 03:06

There is indeed a hard and fast expectation and that is that YOU pay. Yes, this is the expectation.

It is ok not to pay but you MUST MAKE IT CLEAR.

You write and say you'd love to do dinner for your 50th, can't afford to pay for everyone and that their gift will be them coming to dinner, no further gift wanted.

Pay no attention to anyone who pretends this is blurry, its not and you wil cause friction if you try to ignore that rule.

You pay or you make it very very clear from the start that they will be paying and that this is the gift.

It's not a 'rule' nor is it a 'hard and fast expectation', as you would know if you had read the comments. Thinking that everyone does the same as your own social circle is very narrow-minded.

daisychain01 · 26/10/2025 03:43

There is no norm, so it's probably a bit pointless declaring that there is.

when I had a family lunch in the summer, we paid for 15 ppl, as we had been to various functions etc and wanted to return the hospitality.

I sent out the invitations to everyone a month before with a list of menu options, in the email I said it was our treat, and I gave the list of everyone's choice by email a week before our event, and on the day we settled food and drink on one bill behind the scenes.

the list of options gave everyone ample choice but it gave us a reasonable idea of the most it was likely to be which was helpful. Drinks were mainly soft drinks as our family are not big drinkers, especially not in the day and having to drive home.

the main thing for me was making it a memorable occasion and no awkwardness about who was paying. If I hadn't been able to pay for it all I wouldn't have had the event in a restaurant.

Stopsnowing · 26/10/2025 03:44

For my 40th everyone paid for themselves but I organised a set menu inclusive of wine so it was the same price for everyone and let everyone know in advance so they were aware and also so no one felt they were paying for someone else’s extravagant order.

Donotgogentle · 26/10/2025 03:45

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 03:06

There is indeed a hard and fast expectation and that is that YOU pay. Yes, this is the expectation.

It is ok not to pay but you MUST MAKE IT CLEAR.

You write and say you'd love to do dinner for your 50th, can't afford to pay for everyone and that their gift will be them coming to dinner, no further gift wanted.

Pay no attention to anyone who pretends this is blurry, its not and you wil cause friction if you try to ignore that rule.

You pay or you make it very very clear from the start that they will be paying and that this is the gift.

IME the posher you are the more likely this is to be the expectation, it’s not a universal rule.

The word “invite” seems to do a lot of heavy lifting in these circumstances.

Another class marker for MN to obsess about, should freshen things up.

Ijwwm · 26/10/2025 03:48

I’m really surprised by some of the responses, maybe I’ve been living under a rock!

Firstly, if I was th birthday person, I’d never expect the rest of the group to pay for my meal.

In my various groups of friends it’s an unwritten rule. We don’t do presents, we make time for each other. So we’ll arrange a lunch for each other’s birthdays and we go Dutch on the bill. It spreads the cost evenly through the year. I’d be bloody mortified to think that a friend had to pay for everyone in order for them to show up. There have been a few occasions where someone is going through a really rough time and others have shared their cost between them, But the main ethos is that we all make time for our birthdays, no presents, just sharing the cost of each of our birthdays.

FancyCatSlave · 26/10/2025 03:49

In my circles if you invite everyone out for your birthday in the same way you’d invite to a party - you pay.

If friends suggest a meal to celebrate your birthday then usually everyone pays for themselves and covers the birthday persons meal. There’s a subtle difference in the set up.

I agree with others that you can invite and have people pay if it’s explicit at the start.

Mind you in my circles there is also no bill paying angst, no picking over bills. If anything people fight over wanting to pay for everyone -no CF’s.

DarkForces · 26/10/2025 04:01

In my experience if you're ordering a meal from a menu you pay, if it's a buffet or set meal with only dietary preferences as option that the host has chosen they pay. Usually you buy your own drinks. We hosted a big birthday recently and covered buffet and a decent amount of booze that we'd preordered and had available. Once the drinks ran out or if people fancied something else they paid. It made the costs predictable and was a fab night.

My friend has invited me to a fancy restaurant for her birthday soon but we'll choose what we have. No way I'd expect her to pay for me and I'll probably buy a bottle of nice wine for the table.

Starconundrum · 26/10/2025 04:12

Donotgogentle · 26/10/2025 03:45

IME the posher you are the more likely this is to be the expectation, it’s not a universal rule.

The word “invite” seems to do a lot of heavy lifting in these circumstances.

Another class marker for MN to obsess about, should freshen things up.

Show quote history

Ime, the posher you THINK you are, the more expectation there is for the host to pay.

Genuinely wealthy people don't give a shit and go with flow on the night.

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 04:56

Donotgogentle · 26/10/2025 03:45

IME the posher you are the more likely this is to be the expectation, it’s not a universal rule.

The word “invite” seems to do a lot of heavy lifting in these circumstances.

Another class marker for MN to obsess about, should freshen things up.

Show quote history

Working class people, the ones I was born and raised by, would indeed NEVER be so cheapskate and rude to expect their guests to pay to an invitation to dinner.

Posher people do often try to take the piss though, though they are also well aware it's a rule.

My original comment is absolutely accurate.

Disturbia81 · 26/10/2025 05:01

NerrSnerr · 25/10/2025 22:55

I think it depends on your group. In my group of friends I don’t think anyone could afford to pay for 15 people to have a decent meal, especially with drinks.

This.. I don’t know anyone who could so it would be normal to pay for yourself.

CoffeeCantata · 26/10/2025 05:17

OP - I would personally have them round to my house for food if money is tight rather than go out and ask them to pay for themselves, but if you do go for a restaurant meal you could say ‘No presents, please - your presence is all I want’ if they’ll be paying for their own meal.

CoffeeCantata · 26/10/2025 05:20

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 04:56

Working class people, the ones I was born and raised by, would indeed NEVER be so cheapskate and rude to expect their guests to pay to an invitation to dinner.

Posher people do often try to take the piss though, though they are also well aware it's a rule.

My original comment is absolutely accurate.

Edited
Show quote history

I think you’re right. My family were wc and the attitude was ‘Have the party you can afford!’

I think people (if they’re good friends) just enjoy getting together and frankly the poshness or otherwise of the catering is not the point.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 26/10/2025 05:20

Nsky62 · 25/10/2025 22:49

You invite you pay

This isn’t a concrete rule in all circles. I’ve never experienced this at all. Wouldn’t expect it either. If anything i’d be buying the birthday woman or man a drink or two.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 26/10/2025 05:21

PaddlingSwan · 25/10/2025 22:58

You invite, you pay, in the UK.

im 46 and in the UK and this has NEVER happened in my friendship and family groups 🙄. It’s not a U.K. rule at all.

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 05:24

CoffeeCantata · 26/10/2025 05:20

I think you’re right. My family were wc and the attitude was ‘Have the party you can afford!’

I think people (if they’re good friends) just enjoy getting together and frankly the poshness or otherwise of the catering is not the point.

Show quote history

Thanks. I must admit the attempted class shaming of the previous reply was amusing to me, considering I am from a background of poverty and I've never met a poor person who would ask their invited guest to pay for a thing :)

It's always been a UK expectation that you pay for your guests.

People who have always had money are often tight fisted and oblivious to the fact that everyone can see it, in my experience.

Yes, have the party you can afford is a great motto. But as I originally said, if OP doesn't want to, or can't afford to pay, she just has to make that crystal clear and make sure they understand that paying for their own dinner is her gift.

Baconking · 26/10/2025 05:27

MsAmerica · 25/10/2025 23:56

The norm is that if you invite, you pick up the tab yourself. Can't believe you're even asking that.
If you don't have a lot of money to spend, choose a cheap place that doesn't serve alcohol.

Show quote history

It's clearly not the norm though.

MotherofDogs3 · 26/10/2025 05:35

Only on mumsnet would you have to pay for everyone's food if you invite people to a birthday dinner 🙄

I have a mix of well off and not well off family and friends. All different circles. When we go for dinner and invite each other out for birthdays/get togethers we know we are all paying for ourselves. It's never been assumed because we been invited that they have to pay? Actually if its a friends birthday we would all split the bill and pay the birthday persons meal! If we all have to pay for everyone's meal everytime we went for dinner, no one would meet up 🤦‍♀️

Lonemumallthetime · 26/10/2025 05:59

Id pay if I was doing a big group thing. This is different to just a group of friends where we pay our way then cover the birthday person.

We haven't done this in a while if im honest. A friend did something last year but picked out dishes for the group (chinese). Im pretty sure the bill was around 1k. Would have been tons more had we all ordered separately.

RampantIvy · 26/10/2025 06:10

Nsky62 · 25/10/2025 22:49

You invite you pay

That's not the norm in my circle. A load of us went out to a local Indian restaurant for DH's 40th many years ago and everyone expected to pay for themselves.

RampantIvy · 26/10/2025 06:15

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 03:06

There is indeed a hard and fast expectation and that is that YOU pay. Yes, this is the expectation.

It is ok not to pay but you MUST MAKE IT CLEAR.

You write and say you'd love to do dinner for your 50th, can't afford to pay for everyone and that their gift will be them coming to dinner, no further gift wanted.

Pay no attention to anyone who pretends this is blurry, its not and you wil cause friction if you try to ignore that rule.

You pay or you make it very very clear from the start that they will be paying and that this is the gift.

No there isn't. There really isn't. It is very much the exception to do this.
You must move in wealthy circles.

I agree with a pp that expecting to pick up the tab for everyone's meals is a mumsnet thing, but there are many mumsnetters on 6 figure salaries.