To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

No. If it’s a big birthday then their husband/wife/partner might bring a cake but not always.
A regular birthday might result in someone telling the restaurant and they often bring out a small cake for the birthday girl/boy.
The custom is also that people buy drinks for the birthday girl/boy, not the other way around.

Would you people ever buy a round of drinks on any other day of the year?

What do you mean by ‘you people’? Jesus Christ at least try and hide your disdain 🙄
Me and my friends are very generous with each other but in the opposite way to you. If it’s my friend’s birthday then I want to treat them. And they do the same.
We also treat each other throughout the year. I’m currently away working and I’ve bought my friend and her kids presents. I’ve actually gone out of my way to buy her son a local product i know he’d like.

You people? As in people who don't have a lot of money?

No. Not in my circle. Again, no one would be able to afford it.

"You people"

Good grief!

You’re 50, not 25. Of course you have to cover your guests’ meals! Anything else would be unthinkably rude in my book. But it’s your birthday, so the nice thing would be for your partner to cover it. And not just part of it, everything that people order while sitting at the table. My DH will be 50 next year and I imagine we’ll do something similar — with me paying.

So, in YOUR experience I'm wrong.

But that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

It's a matter of basic courtesy. You don't put friends in situations where they're obliged to pay to please you. It seems to me that it's the "tone deaf wealthy posters" who would pull that stunt.

No. I'm not wrong either.
What you do might be the done thing in your friendship group, but it isn't the done thing in mine and that of many people who have responded to this thread.

So, neither of us are wrong. If you had asked me to join you in a restaurant for a meal for your birthday I wouldn't expect you to pay for me.

Most of us can't afford to pay for 15 people's meals and drinks, which it is why it is not considered rude for people to pay for their own meals, and in some cases cover the birthday person's meal because that is customary amongst us. It is an extremely usual practice among the different friendship groups I'm in, so it isn't being tone deaf at all.

@hopsalong Great. You can afford it. Good for you. If you had bothered to read some of the posts on here you will realise that this doesn't happen in most friendship groups and there is no expectation that everyone should get their meals paid for.

She doesn’t HAVE to cover the cost at all. If you read the whole thread you will see that for many people this isn’t the norm.
The age is Irrelevant. Not all 50 year olds are wealthy enough to be able to cover the cost of a meal for all of their friends. Also, not all 50 year olds have a partner. I have a friend who was widowed by the time she was 50. She had very little disposable income as she’d been raising her children as a single parent.

The assumptions being made on this thread are becoming quite grating.

You aren’t wrong. But neither are we.

In MY social circle there has never been an expectation that the birthday girl/boy pays for everyone’s meal. It’s just not the done thing.
If you do it differently then good for you.

What is wrong is telling people they lack basic courtesy or calling them rude, entitled or crass.

Not everyone is wealthy enough to be able to cover the cost of a meal for 15 of their friends. In fact, I have friends who would struggle to cover the cost of a meal for 3 or 4 people. These are not young people either (another ridiculous assumption) they are people who are struggling with the cost of living, have been made redundant or have been dealt a truly terrible hand in life and have lost family members in very tragic circumstances or have suffered illnesses or injuries which limits their ability to work.

Some people on this thread would benefit from looking outside of their own bubble.

What is wrong is telling people they lack basic courtesy or calling them rude, entitled or crass. Not everyone is wealthy enough to be able to cover the cost of a meal for 15 of their friends.

It's frustrating that this message just isn't getting across.

These people don't understand that what is normal for their friendship group is different to what is normal for our friendship groups.

Yes there are clearly different norms in different groups. Of course there are. And if you can't afford something, you can't afford it. This applies to everyone.

However, I think some people on here are talking about a specific dynamic in their quite intimate friendship groups that have their particular understandings.

I'm talking about the issue more generally - eg. if you are having a party inviting people beyond your immediate 'closed' group with your mutual understandings. Like the actual question posed by the OP who was not sure what to do because her situation is not as clear-cut as "I always out with 6 friends and we always go locally and we always pay for ourselves..."

Obviously we can all only do what we can afford. But some of the attitudes expressed in this thread do come across as a bit clueless - like some people haven't grown out of the mindset of "it's my birthday and is all about meeee," coupled with this cop out phrase "they don't have to come after all," or "why should I pay for what they eat?"

Beyond very close-knit groups with particular understandings, if you, as an adult in your 40s, 50s, 60s decide to arrange a birthday dinner for a slightly more mixed group (eg. friend with partners or husbands you may not know as well; people who have had to travel or get babysitters; people who may not all be local best mates around the table) - then, I'm sorry but in this scenario, you host, you pay. Or don't do it at all.

Why are you insistent that you are right? And so bloody patronising? I’m in my 40’s and my friends are a real mix of ages (30’s to 60’s) as well as being a mix of professions and backgrounds. The understanding amongst all of us is that you pay for your own meal. That’s the understanding amongst my close knit group AND my wider social circle.

It’s obviously not what you do and I can understand that. Why are you having so much trouble understanding that people have a different perspective?

And if your birthday can’t be about you then what’s the point? Why do people on MN deride people for celebrating their birthday and act like it’s a bad thing?

my friends are a real mix of ages (30’s to 60’s) as well as being a mix of professions and backgrounds. The understanding amongst all of us is that you pay for your own meal. That’s the understanding amongst my close knit group AND my wider social circle.

Same here. Basically it is culturally acceptable.

I don't invite people I barely know out for a meal. It's always with close friends.

A party at home is different because I would be the host and I would buy and prepare all the food and provide drinks.

I don't invite people I barely know out for a meal. It's always with close friends.

Same here. And if someone asks to bring a partner / random friend along that’s fine - because they’d be paying for themselves. If I was going to a meal as a plus-one, I’d be really embarrassed to have someone I don’t know or barely know paying for my meal.

What you don’t want to do though is invite people who might assume or hope you’re hosting, and then have them split the bill with someone who has ordered steak and loads of wine even though they just had soup and a soft drink. I hate when that happens!

If you can afford it, it would be lovely to pay.
Personally I wouldn't be able to afford it but I would make that clear. I don't think I've ever expected to be paid for when I've gone out for someone else's birthday. But then, it's not the kind of thing my friends really do - we'd be more likely to have a bbq or party at home.

I did t say anything about inviting people you barely know. People on here have been talking about always going out locally and I had the impression it's always the same group or thereabouts - sorry I can't remember exactly who said what, but that's the impression I've been getting, eg. everyone is local and on a WhatsApp group and so it's just "who wants to come out on Sat because it's so-and-sos birthday?" That type of thing?

Op I would pay if you can afford to, perhaps do a set menu and wine for the table and if they want to order cocktails etc they can order for selves at the bar. I would make it clear in advance you’re taking them out for dinner so they know (and also so they will get you a decent present! - my friend invited us out for her 40th recently and I thought it was a split the bill situation and I brought quite a token present as I thought I was about to spend a fortune, it I knew she was treating us I’d have been much more generous!)

if you don’t want to or can’t afford to pay, then I strongly recommend booking an area in a pub - perhaps you get a couple of bottles of Prosecco to start everyone off - and then people can order their own food at the bar if they want to eat pub food or they can eat first, but there is no bill splitting awkwardness!

It was me.
We tend to visit local restaurants because we like to support local businesses. We live quite rural so it works best for us that way.
If we do go into our nearest big city that ‘s more of an event and will be to attend a concert, play or do a particular activity. Or to go for drinks/bar crawl. Again, people pay for themselves.

If I’m organising a meal (or any other type of activity) with close friends or a slightly wider social circle the invite will always be WhatsApp or Facebook if I don’t have their number. The people invited will always be people I know well and they will all know that the expectation is that you pay for yourself.

It’s what is culturally acceptable in the circles I socialise in.

Same here. We tend to eat out locally because we are rural. We also like to support local businesses. We don't have Ubers at the drop of a hat so taxis have to be booked in advance as public transport isn't great, and going into the city would add £££££ to the evening, even when sharing.

To be honest, I think the reason I've engaged with this thread is I recently spent a day with a relative who, despite being to all intents and purposes perfectly lovely, is absolutely clueless when it comes to taking her turn paying for anything. For me, it's not about the money - it's the attitude, like a kind of inane entitlement. You'll be out and about, she'll suggest going in a coffee shop and she just wafts in and sits down. Every single time. It literally never occurs to her to offer to get the coffees. She is 50, but like a child in this respect. If you have lunch, she will usually go to the loo or be suddenly taking an urgent call when the bill comes. Time and time again, it's the same. I've had decades of this. If she comes to your home for dinner, she never brings anything. Her DH was the one I mentioned earlier in the thread who tried to organise a party in some random bar in Reading, and they thought they were being amazingly magnanimous by offering people a free glass of Chardonnay on entry. Ffs. Of course, she herself once had a dinner and everyone had to pay to the penny / and civet her as well. And she had a wedding abroad, years ago, and never even bought her guests si much as a round of drinks. I keep thinking this person will change, because they are a relative and, as I say, are generally quite nice otherwise. But I find the entitlement really, really awful and I can see it rubbing off in her kids now as well who will basically take anything they can get from anyone with no qualms. And she is exactly the type if person who will justify never paying for people with "Oh well, they didn't have to come if they didn't want to." In fact, she has said this over the years and it's why this phrase winds me up so much. So apologies, as I am probably projecting a lot on this thread, due to a very recent and depressing experience with this relative.

For me, it's not about the money - it's the attitude, like a kind of inane entitlement. You'll be out and about, she'll suggest going in a coffee shop and she just wafts in and sits down. Every single time. It literally never occurs to her to offer to get the coffees.

Oh, that annoys me as well. I have an ex-friend who used to do that all the time.

Coffee shops with friends we either get our own, whoever gets there first will order for everyone, or we take turns. Depends a bit on the number of people and how frequently we get coffee together, but definitely no taking advantage. Well, except for the 6 year old but we put him to work collecting stirrers and napkins.

In most of my circles I think it would be seen as unpleasantly ostentatious to pick up the whole bill for the table, but in one group, where the money is generally flowing more easily, there are people who would do this for (usually) their wives' birthdays.

But I find the entitlement really, really awful and I can see it rubbing off in her kids now as well who will basically take anything they can get from anyone with no qualms

@minvee I had a now former childhood friend like this, I don’t know if she was like this with everyone but she always expected me to pick up the bill.

When she was on benefits for several years I did, but then when she started working she still seemed to expect me to pay. Maybe because she had kids and I didn’t? Not sure.

But it was one of the many one-sided aspects of our friendships. I stopped doing it eventually and would just announce to the waiter we were splitting the bill.

Not once after that did she think to cover my share in return for all the many times I did for her. She was probably, if anything, annoyed and feeling hard done by that I didn’t pay for her anymore.