Page 27 | To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

tricerotopsrule · 2025-10-25T21:48:29+00:00

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves. What’s the norm?? WWYD?

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 01/11/2025 12:12

minvee · 01/11/2025 11:28

To be honest, I think the reason I've engaged with this thread is I recently spent a day with a relative who, despite being to all intents and purposes perfectly lovely, is absolutely clueless when it comes to taking her turn paying for anything. For me, it's not about the money - it's the attitude, like a kind of inane entitlement. You'll be out and about, she'll suggest going in a coffee shop and she just wafts in and sits down. Every single time. It literally never occurs to her to offer to get the coffees. She is 50, but like a child in this respect. If you have lunch, she will usually go to the loo or be suddenly taking an urgent call when the bill comes. Time and time again, it's the same. I've had decades of this. If she comes to your home for dinner, she never brings anything. Her DH was the one I mentioned earlier in the thread who tried to organise a party in some random bar in Reading, and they thought they were being amazingly magnanimous by offering people a free glass of Chardonnay on entry. Ffs. Of course, she herself once had a dinner and everyone had to pay to the penny / and civet her as well. And she had a wedding abroad, years ago, and never even bought her guests si much as a round of drinks. I keep thinking this person will change, because they are a relative and, as I say, are generally quite nice otherwise. But I find the entitlement really, really awful and I can see it rubbing off in her kids now as well who will basically take anything they can get from anyone with no qualms. And she is exactly the type if person who will justify never paying for people with "Oh well, they didn't have to come if they didn't want to." In fact, she has said this over the years and it's why this phrase winds me up so much. So apologies, as I am probably projecting a lot on this thread, due to a very recent and depressing experience with this relative.

I think you need to understand that not everyone is like this and this situation is very different to you paying for your own food and drink at a restaurant when celebrating the birthday birthday of a person you actually like.

Thelankyone · 01/11/2025 12:15

I find a lot of these answers very grabby and the aggression quite dismaying.

for me there is no hard and fast rule, but I’d expect to pay my way and would in no way shape nor form want any friend to buy me a meal on their birthday, if anything I’d buy theirs and am always delighted to join and celebrate a friends birthday.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 01/11/2025 12:16

RampantIvy · 01/11/2025 10:54

Same here. We tend to eat out locally because we are rural. We also like to support local businesses. We don't have Ubers at the drop of a hat so taxis have to be booked in advance as public transport isn't great, and going into the city would add £££££ to the evening, even when sharing.

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Uber arrived in our village about 18 months ago which, in principle, is great. Until you try to get home from the city. Drivers are reluctant to take the job as they don’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without a return fare.

RobustPastry · 01/11/2025 12:18

I think it’s a bit different when there’s a set friendship group who are each others main friends or as is more normal for me, friends who have friends from lots of different places and at a milestone birthday want to celebrate with all of those people. Lots of people at a gathering for the latter type of group will never have met each other before.
Being sat next to at a dinner with people you don’t know is expensive and formal and most people don’t enjoy it that much so it’s basically reserved for weddings. Meaning unless you have all known each other for years then most people host a party, provide a base level of drinks and food and other people BYOB and may even bring food to contribute as well if they are good guests.

Arran2024 · 01/11/2025 13:17

It is perfectly reasonable to say to your bunch of friends "it's my birthday next month, fancy getting together?" then discussing venue, date etc and everyone paying for their meal.

But we are talking about a different scenario, where the birthday girl sets an event up and issues invitations to attend.

And that's where some of us think you pay.

Original poster

tricerotopsrule · 01/11/2025 21:24

My scenario is your first scenario @Arran2024 as I’m inviting a few friends to a relaxing dinner in favourite local eateries over WhatsApp (3 separate friend group dinners amounting to about 15 in total) and I’m not setting up a formal event with invitations

OP posts:

Greensquarecold · 01/11/2025 21:45

tricerotopsrule · 01/11/2025 21:24

My scenario is your first scenario @Arran2024 as I’m inviting a few friends to a relaxing dinner in favourite local eateries over WhatsApp (3 separate friend group dinners amounting to about 15 in total) and I’m not setting up a formal event with invitations

I don’t know why but that makes it different for me. I think “a let’s get together to celebrate your birthday” between friends equals pay for yourself. An invite from you to 15 friends to celebrate your birthday equals you pay, especially if it’s a milestone birthday.

MsAmerica · 10/11/2025 22:31

RampantIvy · 31/10/2025 23:59

No. I'm not wrong either.
What you do might be the done thing in your friendship group, but it isn't the done thing in mine and that of many people who have responded to this thread.

So, neither of us are wrong. If you had asked me to join you in a restaurant for a meal for your birthday I wouldn't expect you to pay for me.

Most of us can't afford to pay for 15 people's meals and drinks, which it is why it is not considered rude for people to pay for their own meals, and in some cases cover the birthday person's meal because that is customary amongst us. It is an extremely usual practice among the different friendship groups I'm in, so it isn't being tone deaf at all.

@hopsalong Great. You can afford it. Good for you. If you had bothered to read some of the posts on here you will realise that this doesn't happen in most friendship groups and there is no expectation that everyone should get their meals paid for.

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It's not so much a matter of what YOU expect, but what is expected from the person inviting.
Just like, the good-natured person giving a gift may not expect a thank-you, but that's still what we expect from the recipient.

Missj25 · 11/11/2025 07:02

MsAmerica · 10/11/2025 22:31

It's not so much a matter of what YOU expect, but what is expected from the person inviting.
Just like, the good-natured person giving a gift may not expect a thank-you, but that's still what we expect from the recipient.

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And in most circles it isn’t expected of the person inviting to pay ..
Thankfully none of my circle have such high expectations, nor do I ..
Also senseless comparison, kind person gifting present to someone, it’s basic manners to thank somebody, nothing to do with expectations

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 11/11/2025 07:30

MsAmerica · 10/11/2025 22:31

It's not so much a matter of what YOU expect, but what is expected from the person inviting.
Just like, the good-natured person giving a gift may not expect a thank-you, but that's still what we expect from the recipient.

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In all my social circles if you’re invited out for a birthday meal the expectation is you pay for your own food and drinks 🤷🏼‍♀️