To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

I don’t think it matters as long as you are clear
DF and DM hosted an 80th party and picked up the bill for everyone
I’m in the 60th birthday group at moment and some friends each pay their own, others we split the bill and cover the person whose birthday it is!
I couldn’t afford to pay for 15+ people anyway and for my 60th DC took me on a surprise destination holiday ❤️

Perfect manners, to me, are manners that make other people feel comfortable. So to me it is important that people know where they stand when they are invited out for a meal. And to me there are three alternatives, one of which hasn't been suggested yet.

1. You pay for everyone
2. Everyone pays for themself
3. You say something like 'I've invited 15 people, and will pay the first £30/£40/whatever of everyone's dinner bill'

I think if the birthday person chooses the date and venue, plus it’s very close family and friends, they should at least offer to pay for everyone. Otherwise, people are paying to eat at a place that they might not ordinarily choose / afford. If it’s a more extended invitation or there’s more input from other guests, I’d probably expect them to split it equally and cover the birthday person’s share. Not sure there’s a black and white rule for it, so I’d be clear about what’s expected.

If you can afford to it would be nice to pay, but if you can’t I would just invite and say sorry I can’t afford to pay for everyone but would love it if you could join me for a meal

I wouldn't pay for everyone. No way!
They pay their own way.

Absolutely not a right or wrong way. I have very wealthy friends who pick ridiculously expensive venues where not reasonable to expect people to pay ie BIL hired the Royal Yacht 😳for big birthday.Fabulous evening .
I had Big birthday and we went to local pub .Absolutely no rules necessary.
Edited to say that my lovely Mum book grand Hotel for her 80th and insisted that she paid .Its all about the budget.

No, I would not expect the birthday girl to pay for her own celebration. I would actually insist on her not! I certainly wouldn't like her to pay for 15 of her friends. Ouch. All birthday celebrations I ever had and ever went to, we paid our own way and chipped in to cover the person who's b'day it was.

But.. I also wouldn't not chose a stupidly expensive venue to celebrate in because I'd not want to inflict a huge bill on each of my friends.

I would never expect my friends to pay for my meal. In fact if we go out for friend’s birthdays we would always pay for her. Really surprised by first few responses.

Agree with this. It’ll cost a fortune !

If it's your birthday, you should be getting treated!
Rather than pay for all of them, why not treat yourself to something … like a spa pamper or weekend away ?

I wouldn't expect the birthday person to pay.

I do not agree with this. I would never expect a friend to pay just because she has invited me to a meal to celebrate her birthday! If anything, in my experience, we would all pitch in so that the birthday girl didn’t have to pay anything!

To me an invite means the person inviting pays, a organised event where everyone knows people pay for their own is another thing to me

I have no issues with either but a generic message to everyone explaining is needed

Exactly this. We always chip in a bit extra to pay for the birthday person and often a cake too.

I would never ever expect the birthday person to pay for everyone, and nor would any of my friends.
At my local naice pub the mains are £15/£20, that plus a couple of drinks and service charge for 15 people would easily end up being £500++. Who can afford that?!

If you are well off pay but it's not abnormal for everyone to pay for themselves.

If you are paying choose some kind of set menu, maybe tapas where they bring a selection. It's annoying if everyone orders the steak because its on you. The drinks bill will be huge.

Haven't read the thread, but I paid for the meal (and one drink each) at mine. It was in lieu of a 'proper' party.

I paid when I had mine. We all used to pitch in quite a bit and get a pretty nice gift for each other’s milestone birthdays.

Of course you have to pay.

I would expect to pay for my meal, and often chip in for the birthday person's meal too. I don't think I've ever been for a birthday meal where that's not been the case and I am in my fiftiea.

I agree, really surprised so many people saying you invite you pay. Not my experience and would never expect it to be paid for if invited for a meal for a birthday!

I personally think that if you invite guests to celebrate a milestone with you, you should pay.

That said - my adult children and I were invited to a 60th birthday meal for one of their uncles (father’s family).

The celebrant and his wife chose the date, restaurant, time and menu.

At the end of the meal the bill arrived and was placed on the table in front of the celebrants wife who ignored it for several minutes, then opened it scrutinised it closely for several more minutes and said nothing. I felt uncomfortable so said ‘I can pay for us if you like’. Thinking she’d say ‘oh no, of course not, we invited you, we’ll pay’…….but no, she accepted, summonsed the waiter over and asked him to split the bill in 2. Fact is there were 4 of them 3 of us, but I ended up paying over £400 (half the bill).

I was pretty disgusted.

Pay for the wine

Inviting people and not paying is really cheap!
If you invite someone to a wedding or wake or christening, you pay. If you invite someone to a party in your honour, you pay.
If you are a group of friends who meet up once a month for a meal, you pay for yourselves. But if you ask people to come to a venue you choose, to celebrate you, on a day and time of your choice, you pay.

in your friendship group maybe. It's really not a hard and fast rule, if anything I'd consider it quite outdated now. I don't think I've ever attended any meal with friends where the host has paid - if anything it's more likely attendees would cover the birthday person, although usually everyone just pays for themselves.

Apart from everything else it's illogical - what if someone suggests after work drinks to their colleagues? does that mean they're obligated to cover everyone else's rounds?

When does the hosting = paying obligation switch from a child's parent to the child themselves? 13? 16? 18? None of which most people have much money at. What if people want to do a joint event?

What if it's not a meal/drinks but going to the cinema or a gig - is the host still supposed to buy everyone's tickets like a teacher taking a group on an outing?

What if one friend in a group is in a different financial situation to the others - are they never allowed to celebrate their birthday if they can't cover everyone?

Whereas if the expectation is just everyone pays for themselves you always know where you are. You don't have to stress about whether your age/reason for celebration/type of event makes any difference.

I'd say either is fine OP as long as you make it clear up front.

It's her birthday! Why would she pay? Surely people treat the birthday girl?