To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

I’ve got a few different friendship groups and we take it in turns to host the group. This way the cost of a get-together for the host is comparable to one share of a restaurant bill, often much less. Why don’t more people do this? It’s so relaxing and doesn’t strain anyone’s bank balance.

As a vegetarian non-drinker I hate group restaurant meals. I end up subbing the steak eaters and the boozers and no, I’m not going to go out on a limb and insist I only pay for my meal - that’s just embarrassing. I’ve been invited to a couple next month and I will not be going.

I'm 65 and old fashion. If you invite, you pay.

None of my friends would pay.
Except my richer family members.

I suppose it depends on your background, but as far as I know (which may not be very far😀) big parties at restaurants is a newish custom. I mean, well-off people might treat another couple to a restaurant dinner, or possibly a few family members, but anything more than that and you’d either cook at home for them or hire somewhere and get caterers in?

To me, big parties in restaurants are the stuff of glamorous films. I don’t think you can ‘host’ in a restaurant AND expect your guests to pay, personally. If people are paying individually then it’s not your party! If you can’t afford the Hollywood largesse, do something else you can afford.

I think it depends on what’s the norm among your friends/family. We always pay for ourselves but that’s always been the case so nobody expects otherwise

I’ve never been out for someone’s birthday meal at a restaurant and expected them to pay… where are pps getting this idea from?! Everyone has always just paid for themselves or we’ve split the bill and paid for the birthday girl’s meal. Other pps must move in much wealthier circles than I do!

Which is why we each pay for ourselves in bigger groups @CoffeeCantata
It really is the norm where I live to do this.

If DH and I just go out with another couple we split the bill in half because the difference might only be a pound or two, but if there was going to be a significant difference we would just pay for our own.

If you "invite" people to a meal to celebrate your birthday then you pay regardless of the venue; yours/pub/McDonald's/restaurant. So you chose something you can afford. I would be quite miffed showing up with a gift and still being expected to pay for someone's birthday celebration. Just keep it small and affordable.

Then again we have offered to take someone out for their birthday. In that case we pay.

No you don't.
No-one that I know does that.
There is no expectation to do that in my different circles - ever.

It really hasn't been an expectation. I worked in restaurants for about 5 years and it was unusual for one person to pay for a birthday table.
I don't know many people with the spare cash to pay a few hundred quid for a meal.

Normally in these situations you get the restaurant to do like a set meal for say £50 a head. Then ask the guests to pay you for in advance so no awkward splitting of bill at the end. Then buy a few bottles for the table as your “contribution” and then others can pay for drinks as they go on the night.

The main thing us to be clear:
. Join me for a meal, should be around £30 each plus drinks, here's the menu
. Join me for a meal, my treat, but buy your own drinks
. Join me for a meal, my treat, wine included.

It’s fine to ask people to pay as long as they know in advance. I would buy some wine for the table/cover the first round of drinks.
In order to avoid an unfair bill splitting scenario I would pick somewhere that offers a set menu or buffet.

in our friend group - and there’s about 13 of us - we have a meal but everyone pays themselves! Theres no way most people can pick up the tab for a group that big.

The alternative is have a party at your house and provide some nibbles and drinks. I did this and obvs everyone brought a load of booze too.

I have never been to a 30/40/50 where the host paid for a meal although Inhabe been to lots in venues where there was money behind the bar for a few drinks for the guests and some light food put on.
Also been to ones in venues where it’s strictly been alcohol only.
just make it clear to people know what to expect.

There's a difference in my opinion between agreeing with some friends to go to a restaurant to celebrate your birthday and sending your friends an invitation to a party or event.

At the former, costs are shared with possibly the birthday person picking up the tab for some fizz. At the latter, all expenses are paid for guests.

In our friendship group everyone pays for their own meals. I think it’s a lovely thing to do if you can afford it though. When you send the invite you can say, my treat!

I think if you invite people then you pay. I did this recently for a big birthday of mine for 12 people in a nice restaurant. I also paid for wine, beers and soft drinks. It was in a private dining room of a nice restaurant in London.
By comparison it was cheaper than hiring a venue, buffet, live music for a bigger group of frinends, which was the other option. I really enjoyed myself too as there was no work to be done!

If I was attending someone's birthday dinner I'd expect to pay my share of the bill and a portion (split between the other attendees (not birthday lady)) of the birthday lady's bill also.

Happy birthday.

I think it's lovely if you really want to - but no one I know would assume that was your intent, so do make it clear beforehand. Alternatively you could pay a lump sum off the bill or pay for one aspect - drinks, desert, main or whatever. 15 people will add up! Some might stint themselves to keep your costs down, others might take advantage?

On his 60th my husband invited and paid for lunch for around 30 friends and family. It was in a London ‘gastropub’. We paid as people had to travel. We don’t have children so have never had to pay for weddings or be Bank of Mum and Dad and felt we could afford it. I think it depends on your situation and you need to make it clear to guests what the arrangement is.

I'm always eating out and have never had the birthday person pay for everyone, not once. I'd find it bizarre if the birthday person paid, it's their birthday. They should be treated instead of being the one to fork out hundreds.

People have different expectations but wording is important. There is a huge difference between "inviting", meaning you pay the costs of the people attending, and "join us for a celebration" which means pay your own way.

The problem is that over the years the word "invite" lost their original meaning and these days is about attendance.

PS My DH and I paid for a meal at a hotel for our whole family to celebrate our 40th birthdays - we hired one of their function rooms to accommodate small children. And within our family my parents would pay for a family dinner, as we have done when taking our teens plus friends out.

Amongst friends - no. We only pay then if we host at one of our respective houses.

I asked the (quite spendy) restaurant to offer fixed price menu and then asked everyone to choose their meal choices in advance so they knew exactly what they were signing up for. I supplemented the cost by paying £20 a person deposit which helped keep the cost down but there’s no way I could afford a meal and drinks for 20 people. Worked well.