To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

If you're inviting people to celebrate your birthday, then you pay. If someone else is arranging it and inviting you, you don't pay for other people. If you're just going out with your friends for your birthday, then everyone pays.

I'd pay. But we'd all be sharing two bags of chips 😂

I think people are giving different opinions about very different situations. If someone sends a casual message to a WhatsApp group of friends asking the lines of, “Does anyone fancy coming out for a curry on my birthday (Sat 25th)? Tandoori Palace does great good and the set menu is only £20 a head” - then that makes it fairly clear that everyone will be paying for themselves.

However, if you are sent a formal invitation, “Please join me at Fancy Pants bar & grill on Sat 25th to help me celebrate my birthday.” - that to me is a formal invitation and the invitee will be paying. I recently received a formal invite to a very fancy restaurant for a male friend’s 50th in a few months, requesting a RSVP. There is no doubt in my mind that means he is paying.

Tbh, I get pissed off at the number of fully grown adults who still want people to make a big fuss about their birthdays, but expect those friends to fork out for it. If you can’t afford to pay for your guests, you shouldn’t expect them to mark your birthday. OR scale it down and just invite the 4 closest friends and pay for them. OR invite everyone round to yours and give them a home-made cottage pie/lasagne and cava (about £8 a btl). Cheap and cheerful. If you want more booze, just ask everyone to bring a bottle of whatever.

It was my 50th birthday recently and I invited 17 friends out for dinner and paid for everyone. It was quite expensive but I always knew I'd want to go somewhere really nice for my 50th and that I'd want to pay. I'd have felt a bit cheeky if I'd invited them all to such a pricey restaurant then expected them to pay. Some my friends would have had no problems affording it but for others it would have been a bit of a stretch. So it was easier to just pay for everyone and I was happy to. It was a fab evening.

If I invite people to my home I provide the food. Usually I cook it, but I would also pay if we got a takeaway. If we go out as a group of friends everyone pays for themselves, or, as with others on the thread, the person with the birthday is paid for by the others. If we go out with our adult children and their partners we always pay though.

I’m confused. How do you ask anyone to go out for a meal with you without inviting them? (And seemingly paying according to everyone on here)

Surely 15 people wouldn’t expect you to buy all their meals? That’s bonkers!

Among my friends, we would always pay for ourselves. At my mother's recent big birthday, we invited her siblings, godchildren, surviving in laws, my sister and I paid. My aunts and uncles said thank you, the godchildren tried to pay for themselves and cover my mother. So it can be a generational thing too

When I was 17 I invited my workmates (8 of them) to a restaurant. I told them I could not afford to pay for everything but I would cover the drinks. Everyone bought their own food with no problem and there was a separate bill for the drinks. No one would expect a 17 year old girl in a junior position to have the money to pay for everything for 8 people.

So I dont think there is anything wrong with making it clear at the onset that people pay for themselves. Perhaps like me you could cover the drinks bill or provide x bottles of wine.

I think if you can afford to pay it's nice to treat everyone to celebrate your birthday with you. If you can't afford to pay then make it clear on invite they will have to pay for themselves.

I have attended dozens of birthday meals and always paid for myself, I would never expect the birthday girl/boy to pay! If anything, I would expect to be covering their meal.

If anything, I'd feel extremely uncomforable having my meal paid for, as I would feel there is an expectation of having the gesture returned. 15 guests at £40 ahead (average for dinner and soft drinks) would cost £600 - I could have a lovely spa weekend for that!

Exactly. My toes curl with horror at inviting people to “celebrate meeee!” without at least offering them a meal and a few drinks. So sponging!

can’t afford it? Do takeaway and Netflix alone with dignity.

Exactly! Who are these people who are able to pay for a meal for 15 people?

For me it has always been once you reach tween/teen years and it’s no longer a house party, everyone pays for their own and usually for the birthday person as well, since it will be next to nothing divided by everyone, but I’m not from the UK.

Expecting one person to foot everyone’s bill sounds ridiculous.

Would you be paying for everything, food and drinks, or just food and maybe include a couple of bottles of wine at the table?

In my experience (and opinion) you should pay. I'm in my 30s and have been to a lot of 30ths and 40ths lately and they've all (bar one) been payed for by the hosts.

If it's a dinner there are generally fewer people, or it could be a bigger party with more people but only finger food. Sometimes limited drinks have been paid for too. It's normally pretty clear from the invite what kind of food will be provided so you can eat beforehand if needed.

There was only one where we were expected to pay. It was an expensive location, but they have a bar and restaurant, and it wasn't clear if we were going for drinks or dinner. When we got there we found out it was dinner and there was a 3 course set menu with a few options, and no mention of price. At the end of the meal the birthday girls' husband said he'd put it on his CC and let us know how much it is so we can send it back later.
I wasn't very impressed but it was my husband's family so didn't say anything, and he paid them back. I think if you want to do it that way you need to at least make it clear on the invite.

If you invite people then you should pay. If you can't afford to, then think of an alternative you can afford.

This.
Took the words outta my mouth.

What have others done for big birthdays in your group?

If for normal birthdays everyone pays their own, then I'd expect the same for big birthdays but perhaps the host pays for a cocktail or couple of drinks for everyone.

Drinks are expensive so it's a nice way to show appreciation to your guests without having to foot the entire bill.

I've never paid for everyone's meal for my birthday, it's not affordable for me. For anyone's birthday, we all pay for our own and usually someone pays for the birthday person as well.

I always thought the norm was that people attending pay for themselves... but often people chipped in and bought the birthday person their meal for them. Or at least made sure they didn't buy their own drinks for the night.

Saying that, my ex had a birthday meal, and when it came to pay it turned out one attendee didn't. No one owned up to it, so we had to pay for an extra meal.

I paid for my 40th, but it was little private party, not a meal.

I took 8 friends for afternoon tea on my big birthday . I was happy to pay as I had invited them . Cheaper than a full on meal where people want 3 courses . It’s a girl thing though , not many if any male friends go for AT

I did this recently. I paid for meals, everyone contributed for drinks.

In my circles the host pays. Always. In my younger days we paid for ourselves. From 30 years old onwards the hosts always pay. I hosted dinner for twenty and paid.

What a lot of shite

My goodness you sound really rather ghastly and unpleasant