To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

In my normal circle it would be normal for everyone to pay for themselves.

Among a few more comfortable friends, they might pay for everyone, but if that was the intention they'd say so at the invitation stage

Why are you assuming we don’t have manners? We just feel that there is a time and place for formality and a casual birthday meal isn’t it.

Sorry @YouMightLikeCats . I thought you were on a wind-up.

For me, personally:

If I invite people for brunch or dinner or for a party or whatever at my house, I'm hosting.

If it's my birthday or another occasion and we invite people to celebrate with us somewhere else, to my mind that is our event and we will therefore pay for the guests invited, We would decide how many we can feasibly pay for and that will determine what we do, how and where! The same has always applied - whether it be a kids party at home, at a soft play or pottery place etc etc; an adult birthday party in a restaurant, bar, river boat; a graduation; a wedding or anniversary or whatever the case may be.

Some people on here take the view that you only 'host' if something is in your house, mainly on the basis that people don't expect them to pay in restaurants as it's too expensive and not the done thing in their social circle. I understand this, although I don't see the rigid distinction. Especially as it can actually be more expensive to have a dinner party at home than to host people in a restaurant.

In general, if you just say to friends, "let's go for a pizza on Saturday," you are not hosting because there is no occasion and you're all there just to socialise / fir a catch up. Nobody brings gifts. Nobody sings 'Happy Birthday' or makes a speech. It's just a normal meet-up.

If you want to buy a round of drinks or some sausage rolls or what-have-you in the course of a normal day, then you are doing just that. But if you were to say you are inviting people to a drinks party (or even a sausage-roll tasting party, for the sake of argument) then you are hosting - with the drinks and / or sausage rolls! You wouldn't ask people to a drinks party and then provide no drinks.

Thanks, so it's more the occasion making it an "event".

In my 30 years as an adult I've only ever had one event where the birthday person has paid and that was, possibly a bit weirdly!, in the same chain place we (family) go for most birthdays out of habit. Just this one time it was a "big" birthday and they said at the end they'd get the bill because of it! So to me the distinctions have always been extremely unclear!

In general, if you just say to friends, "let's go for a pizza on Saturday," you are not hosting because there is no occasion and you're all there just to socialise / fir a catch up.

How about "let's go for a pizza on Saturday because it is my birthday"?

And I don’t expect a gift, have never given a speech on my birthday and haven’t had ‘happy birthday’ sung to me in public since I was a child 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s evident here , i think we can all agree , Minvee has a snooty attitude, & believes if friends are to attend one another’s birthdays it is crass if they have to pay for themselves ( when it really isn’t ) ..
As she has said above , the one time she had to do it , 15 years ago , the woman was strange , that was 💯 a dig ..
Had to pay for dinner , the woman was strange , do you see the connection I’m making ..
Your attitude stinks I’m afraid to say Minvee..
Your ‘circle’ as you call it sounds painful, & I’m so glad to have the real friends that I do in my life ☺️

The woman was really odd @Missj25 . You sound a bit odd yourself, to be fair.

As odd an all as she was you were still at her dinner 😂 😂

Tricked I was.

The woman was literally a stalker and she eventually went off grid.

Paying for a dinner if you're inviting it to honor yourself certainly is the norm in my experience.

Otherwise, to put it crudely, it's rather like: Come and fork over some money to do me homage.

Lol. You think I'm going to read 25 page of responses for something that's basically just a trivial etiquette question?
Just because people don't agree doesn't mean there's no traditional norm. People wear black to weddings now, but that doesn't mean it's the norm. If you expect people to pay, you should announce it upfront - but I still think it's tacky.

Exactly! So you don't do it! You throw a party at your own house, where you control the budget and the menu. Or you find a restaurant that does a cheap brunch.
What one friend of mine did once was to have a party at a bar where, if memory serves, there was a clear implication that people would buy their own drinks. (It was a very disappointing party, by the way.)

From your username you’re in the US.

This could well be something where cultural norms differ.

I‘m sorry your friends don’t adore you. Mine love me and vice versa so I’m always happy to spend money to celebrate them on their birthday.

Not everyone has a house big enough … this has already been addressed dozens of times 🙄

Then one invites fewer people.

Or one meets up in a restaurant where everyone chips in, if that is the norm for one’s social group.

I did type a sarcastic reply but decided to not take the piss, however tempting it was.

It might surprise you to hear that some people live in houses that are so small that a party of any size is impossible.

The clue is in your words "in my experience"

In my experience the person whose birthday it is doesn't pay for everyone else, and their friends have no expectation that they would.

Otherwise, to put it crudely, it's rather like: Come and fork over some money to do me homage.

No it isn't. It really isn't.

I see the tone deaf wealthy posters who live in big houses still don't understand that other people's friendship groups have different social norms that are acceptable to them.

I’m interested to know why you think it’s ghastly to want to celebrate a birthday and treat people close to you because you’ve invited them?🤪 Is it ghastly because it isn’t what you do?

Do the people who have to have birthdays in restaurants but just pay for themselves, ever provide anything like wine, a round of drinks, birthday cake?

Birthday cake is the norm in my circle. No wine or rounds of drinks.

No it's not up to the birthday person to 'provide' anything. You really don't get it do you? You're not 'hosting' anything, not every celebration needs a host. It's 2025. The group go out together to celebrate someone's birthday, and usually people buy drinks for the person who's birthday it is and sometimes, if someone suggests it beforehand, they cover the birthday persons meal. It's about making a friend feel special on their birthday, going along to celebrate with them and making sure they have a nice time.